I've been following your thread. I can tell you are going through lots of highs and lows. I am with you, this is a rollercoaster.
Hang in there.
He said:
Quote:
He responded: ---"I know. Take your time. Sorry to rush. Let me know when ready."
That sounds like a good sign. This is better than if he was demanding it get done right away. Maybe he is testing to see if you will go along with the D willingly...
Quote:
I responded: ---"Just let me know what works for you. I can figure something out, ..."
Are you giving him the indication that you are ok with it? Perhaps you could take him up on his offer to "let him know when you are ready"... Let him know that you are not ready???
Ask yourself this... Did the conversation really revolve around the D? Or is that the part of the conversation that really hit you hard?
Believe me Nasmat. I am right there with you (I am not bold enough to attempt fasting- you are amazing). But sometimes I over analyze every little move my W makes.
Stick with the positive Keep up that great PMA you had earlier today. I am praying for you still.
You are going through the stages of grieving. It is COMPLETELY normal. You need to understand what those stages are, and DO NOT CONTACT your H.
I know you are getting advice from your Coach, but I think you need to make him feel the end of the relationship with you. Right now he knows you will be there if things don't work out with OW. You need to not contact him and try your best to keep YOUR life on track. When he sees you moving on, I think he will reconsider giving up on a M with a great woman such as yourself.
p.s. I did the exact same things w/ my W. I didn't listen to the advice I was given (even though I wanted to) and my W is still going strong w/ the OM.
I even did a lot of the same things when we separated... pretended that she needed to get out, split everything, etc... but then I started backsliding when I wanted her back and she was caught up w/ OM (and I didn't know it yet). I would get frustrated about many of the same things you are... but you need to recognize right now that OW is clouding his judgement. Don't believe anything he says and only half of what he does. Remember that when he says or does something completely out of character... it is not him!
I had nightmares last night. Woke up at 3:30 and then 4:30, and I took those opportunities to pray. I still feel really down, but I am trying to pick myself up again.
I dreamt that we went on a vacation to Hawaii with some friends. I was so excited, but when we got there, he ditched me. I found out that he'd met another woman and that he was planning on staying. I remember waiting for a helicopter with my friends and family; they were all waiting for me to get in, but I kept stalling. I kept trying to find him, trying to talk him into coming back with us. The sense of betrayal was overwhelming, and eventually the chopper left without me. I was stranded, and in trying to cope and find him, I got into a serious car accident. I felt as though I was dying - and he was somewhere in the distance, feeling remorse with the OW - and it was then that I woke up.
Go figure.
I did contact him again last night. I know, I know. I got really scared being alone at the house, and I had this overwhelming need to find out where the extra ammo for my guns was stashed. I texted him. Here's how the convo went:
Me: ---"Is there extra ammo for the ruger?"
Him: ---"Extra ammo in the drawer and in the closet in the computer room."
Me: ---"Thanx."
Him: ---"What's up?"
Me: ---"Just got scared. Sorry to bug you."
Him: ---"What's up with the bullets?"
Me: ---"Just got silly and thought I might need more. Zombies - haha."
Him: ---"There's plenty in there for zombies and oil vamps [inside joke about our neighbor]. Take care and tell Growl hello."
Me: ---"Growlin has a tude but says she loves you. Goodnight."
Him: ---"Goodnight."
Him, a few minutes later: ---"Turn the alarm on, lock the doors, put on the security lights, u got Cow, cell phone, and the safety goes up [on the gun]. You'll be ok ____ [my full name]. Goodnight."
Me: ---"Thanks, ____. I will. Have a good night."
*sigh*
I'm tyring to keep faithful. I am soooo on the rollercoaster, it's sick. I fluctuate between thinking, "How dare he ruin my life like this; how could he do this to me; he must be evil," to thinking, "I miss him so much; this isn't right; I would do anything to make this work," to, "God is with us; this had to happen, and I am thankful; everythign will be ok."
Hee haw. I hate real rollercoasters - forget the emotional ones.
He's meeting with a mutual friend for drinks tonight - if he doesn't bail out. May God be with them.
Hi, FamMan! Thanks so much for following my sitch and offering support. It means so much. I'm sorry I didn't make it back by your thread yesterday. I will pop in today.
I think perhaps he is testing if I'll go along with the D willingly. I think it's alot of things - he's running, pushing himself to do it to prove that he can leave without looking back. He thinks it's for the best - because of the A, because we just "don't work", because he needs to figure out how to be by himself, because he doesn't want to draw out the time he's hurting me. I think he's afraid that if he waits too long that my compassion will dissipate and that I will literally try to destroy him. I think he wants the D so he can feel less guilty about the A. He's testing to see if I will respect his wishes.
I think it's a million different tests, and honestly, this is one test that I'm not sure I can pass. If someone has the study guide....
I am trying to give him the indication that I'm ok with it. Honestly, I think it's pretty much on the table in that he knows that I want to try. I've only said it about a hundred times. He's the one that's running, so I don't think that my telling him I'm not ready for a D will help. It will probably be more pressure, and he's been frustrated in the past - telling me I have to let him go, asking if I respect his need to do this.
I am stalling becuase of finances and my emotions - and I definitely feel rushed. Perhaps I should turn the tables and start pushing for the D myself.
Can't be sure, though, so I'm not taking any action.
And yes, you are right. It's not that the conversations truly revolve around the D. I keep getting the feeling that when he gets comfortable or starts to doubt things, he throws the D-preparation stuff out there. Or mentions something to make it seem final, i.e. "I'm seeing someone."
I keep feeling like he's trying to convince himself, but then again, maybe that's wishful thinking.
Thank you so much for the prayers and support. I will be praying for you as well. *hugs*
Thanks so much for your continued support, Tom. I cannot tell you how much it means to me.
Yeah, the grief stages. My greatest fear is that I'm still stuck in #1 - denial.
Thank you very much for your advice. I know that I need to make him miss me. It's just so hard to know how to do that. He's the kind of person that will repress or hide from an issue if he can, so I feel like by being dark, I'm reinforcing that.
Ah, don't know what to do. It's so easy to see how to deal with outher people's sitches. I could use some clarity in mine. Darned muddy waters.....
It's so hard to think about what I want for ME. I'm in this fog where it feels like the only thing I want for ME is to save my M. I know that's not good, and that I have to find my way back to myself, but it really seems daunting. I suppose if I was to break down the things I want for myself that have nothing to do with my R, they would be:
1. I want to be skinny again. Smoking-hot skinny. I have dropped a pant size since this began, so onward with that one....
2. I want to publish my poetry.
3. I want to write the great American novel - many of them, actually. I want to make my living writing books.
4. I want to get an MFA and a Ph.d. - but I don't feel ready to go there yet.
5. I want to pay off my debt.
6. I want to finish furnishing my house.
7. I want to travel more.
8. I want to continue to get promotions at my job until I decide it's time to leave.
9. I'd like to learn self-defense, and maybe take some bellydancing classes to get some classical training (I already know how, but never had formal training). Someday, I'd like to do yoga.
10. I'd like to join/start a writer's club and a book club.
11. I'd like to become an even better shot with my handguns.
12. I'd like to study psychology and theology a bit more.
13. I'd like to continue my walk with Christ and figure out exactly what it means.
14. And then yeah, I want all the other stuff - my H, my M, kids, family holidays, camping trips, every dream I feel I cannot let go. I want to do all of those things WITH him. I never thought I had to leave him to do them - I guess that's the difference between us. He thinks he's holding me back. I think he grounds me.
Thanks again, Tom. I appreciate all of your support so much.
If you do not want the D, then don't act like you are a willing participant. Let him know that you are against the D; but if HE files you will not stop him. He needs to know that you are standing for your M; if indeed you are.
Your vacillations are normal for the early stages of your sitch; don't give up now. I understand that patience can be hard to come by; believe me, I rushed back into reconcilitaion in April and that rush is one of the things that helped doom my marriage. continue to give him space, set boundaries as needed, validate, be friendly (but not a friend, he's with OW); and most of all, go out and GAL.
Like they say around here, this is a marathon; not a sprint.
I would get frustrated about many of the same things you are... but you need to recognize right now that OW is clouding his judgement. Don't believe anything he says and only half of what he does. Remember that when he says or does something completely out of character... it is not him!
Thank you, Tom. It really does help.
Can't help but get a little annoyed and prideful sometimes, when I think about that stupid OW - some 21 yr old waitress - blinding him to me. Not to be completely conceited, but I am a catch. That's what bothers me so much.
Why would you not want to be with a beautiful, successful, intelligent, spirited, kind, forgiving woman that loves you, would do anything for you, has a super-active libido, and has been your best friend and touchstone for 11 years? Makes me want to tell him he's stupid.
