Thanks so much for your continued support, Tom. I cannot tell you how much it means to me.
Yeah, the grief stages. My greatest fear is that I'm still stuck in #1 - denial.
Thank you very much for your advice. I know that I need to make him miss me. It's just so hard to know how to do that. He's the kind of person that will repress or hide from an issue if he can, so I feel like by being dark, I'm reinforcing that.
Ah, don't know what to do. It's so easy to see how to deal with outher people's sitches. I could use some clarity in mine. Darned muddy waters.....
It's so hard to think about what I want for ME. I'm in this fog where it feels like the only thing I want for ME is to save my M. I know that's not good, and that I have to find my way back to myself, but it really seems daunting. I suppose if I was to break down the things I want for myself that have nothing to do with my R, they would be:
1. I want to be skinny again. Smoking-hot skinny. I have dropped a pant size since this began, so onward with that one....
2. I want to publish my poetry.
3. I want to write the great American novel - many of them, actually. I want to make my living writing books.
4. I want to get an MFA and a Ph.d. - but I don't feel ready to go there yet.
5. I want to pay off my debt.
6. I want to finish furnishing my house.
7. I want to travel more.
8. I want to continue to get promotions at my job until I decide it's time to leave.
9. I'd like to learn self-defense, and maybe take some bellydancing classes to get some classical training (I already know how, but never had formal training). Someday, I'd like to do yoga.
10. I'd like to join/start a writer's club and a book club.
11. I'd like to become an even better shot with my handguns.
12. I'd like to study psychology and theology a bit more.
13. I'd like to continue my walk with Christ and figure out exactly what it means.
14. And then yeah, I want all the other stuff - my H, my M, kids, family holidays, camping trips, every dream I feel I cannot let go. I want to do all of those things WITH him. I never thought I had to leave him to do them - I guess that's the difference between us. He thinks he's holding me back. I think he grounds me.
Thanks again, Tom. I appreciate all of your support so much.
