Hi, FamMan! Thanks so much for following my sitch and offering support. It means so much. I'm sorry I didn't make it back by your thread yesterday. I will pop in today.
I think perhaps he is testing if I'll go along with the D willingly. I think it's alot of things - he's running, pushing himself to do it to prove that he can leave without looking back. He thinks it's for the best - because of the A, because we just "don't work", because he needs to figure out how to be by himself, because he doesn't want to draw out the time he's hurting me. I think he's afraid that if he waits too long that my compassion will dissipate and that I will literally try to destroy him. I think he wants the D so he can feel less guilty about the A. He's testing to see if I will respect his wishes.
I think it's a million different tests, and honestly, this is one test that I'm not sure I can pass. If someone has the study guide....
I am trying to give him the indication that I'm ok with it. Honestly, I think it's pretty much on the table in that he knows that I want to try. I've only said it about a hundred times. He's the one that's running, so I don't think that my telling him I'm not ready for a D will help. It will probably be more pressure, and he's been frustrated in the past - telling me I have to let him go, asking if I respect his need to do this.
I am stalling becuase of finances and my emotions - and I definitely feel rushed. Perhaps I should turn the tables and start pushing for the D myself.
Can't be sure, though, so I'm not taking any action.
And yes, you are right. It's not that the conversations truly revolve around the D. I keep getting the feeling that when he gets comfortable or starts to doubt things, he throws the D-preparation stuff out there. Or mentions something to make it seem final, i.e. "I'm seeing someone."
I keep feeling like he's trying to convince himself, but then again, maybe that's wishful thinking.
Thank you so much for the prayers and support. I will be praying for you as well. *hugs*
