I had nightmares last night. Woke up at 3:30 and then 4:30, and I took those opportunities to pray. I still feel really down, but I am trying to pick myself up again.
I dreamt that we went on a vacation to Hawaii with some friends. I was so excited, but when we got there, he ditched me. I found out that he'd met another woman and that he was planning on staying. I remember waiting for a helicopter with my friends and family; they were all waiting for me to get in, but I kept stalling. I kept trying to find him, trying to talk him into coming back with us. The sense of betrayal was overwhelming, and eventually the chopper left without me. I was stranded, and in trying to cope and find him, I got into a serious car accident. I felt as though I was dying - and he was somewhere in the distance, feeling remorse with the OW - and it was then that I woke up.
Go figure.
I did contact him again last night. I know, I know. I got really scared being alone at the house, and I had this overwhelming need to find out where the extra ammo for my guns was stashed. I texted him. Here's how the convo went:
Me: ---"Is there extra ammo for the ruger?"
Him: ---"Extra ammo in the drawer and in the closet in the computer room."
Me: ---"Thanx."
Him: ---"What's up?"
Me: ---"Just got scared. Sorry to bug you."
Him: ---"What's up with the bullets?"
Me: ---"Just got silly and thought I might need more. Zombies - haha."
Him: ---"There's plenty in there for zombies and oil vamps [inside joke about our neighbor]. Take care and tell Growl hello."
Me: ---"Growlin has a tude but says she loves you. Goodnight."
Him: ---"Goodnight."
Him, a few minutes later: ---"Turn the alarm on, lock the doors, put on the security lights, u got Cow, cell phone, and the safety goes up [on the gun]. You'll be ok ____ [my full name]. Goodnight."
Me: ---"Thanks, ____. I will. Have a good night."
*sigh*
I'm tyring to keep faithful. I am soooo on the rollercoaster, it's sick. I fluctuate between thinking, "How dare he ruin my life like this; how could he do this to me; he must be evil," to thinking, "I miss him so much; this isn't right; I would do anything to make this work," to, "God is with us; this had to happen, and I am thankful; everythign will be ok."
Hee haw. I hate real rollercoasters - forget the emotional ones.
He's meeting with a mutual friend for drinks tonight - if he doesn't bail out. May God be with them.
