I read and reread your post. I am hearing that out of all the emotions that you are feeling, and correct me if I am wrong, your first emotion is a profound sadness for the loss of the life that you have enjoyed up till now. All the anger, frustration and depression, I think, stems from this profound sadness. I am no counsellor by any means.
PM, you hit it right on the head!
Quote:
I imagine, because I don't know for sure, that when you become ill and have to face a great loss of your own lifestyle and activities which gave you your identity, you feel that you have lost part of yourself. That part which made you special and different from other people. The part which is the Essential YOU. I am so sorry if you feel this way. I don't know how to console you but just believe that you are you no matter what.
I feel it is more of losing a huge hunk of my life b/c as I said, working in the church at various jobs has been the biggest part of my life b/c I was raised by my parents from the time I became a Christian to do this, but then it was like a natural love for me. My sister, on the other hand, is nothing like that, so I think it was not just b/c my parents instilled it in me....but that I truly felt it in my heart. I suppose I never thought of it making me different of "special" from other people.....but I will certainly think upon that idea. As being a big part of my "identity"........never thought of it as my identity, I guess, just that that was what I did in life apart from working in the public and being a mother, etc. That was my love. It does seem that you have hit the right key and I am going to think a lot about this. I'm not sure what to do with it once I realize that this is correct.
The fact that the disease has taken so much away from me causing so much sadness, anger, and frustration......maybe not in that order, but the fact that I just cannot do what I use to do for my family or anyone......I feel that I have no quality of life. I suppose I am the type of person that has to have a "purpose". Maybe that is why I spend so much time here on the board, is b/c that is all I can do worthwhile when I get home from work. I can't clean my house or cook or do anything for my family. There are so many people outside of my family that I could help do things for (which I don't know that was ever my "gift")....but what I felt like God did give me as a "gift" (if you want to call it that) has now been taken away due to this disease and I just am having a very difficult time accepting that. I don't want to give it up! I fought it as long as I could and now I am so afraid I will go down very fast and I don't want to do that.
My family has been so understanding. I could not ask for better than they have been. It is all me! I am the one that is struggling with the fact that my life is different now and I don't like it and I get so depressed and right now I am bawling my eyes out writing this to you. Guess it is like a cleansing.
You have helped me by showing your concern and anything you want to say to me or can help me.....I will welcome it. It seems so ironic that both my children are disabled and now I am so limited to what I can do. It is a "depressing" fact that our family has to live with day to day. When you have three people in your family that have chronic pain every day of their life and it "robs" them of quality of life.......that takes a toll on marriages, relationships with their children, any activities that other can do that they can't partake in, and just about everything that you could think of. It was hard enough to see my two grown children have to endure this with their S and children and try to "carry on" with their lives as best as they could, but then when mine hit.......it just seemed about too much for everyone. Maybe I am too self centered. I pray that I'm not. I don't mean to be. I just don't know how to coop and we do not have any type of support group here. I wanted to start one, but have not had any success.
I have to get ready for work. Thank you soooo much! It helps to talk to somebody that truly cares.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
