Just stopping in really quickly after reading your post on my thread.
If you can (and I know it's difficult) reaching out and get busy on the social front might make some of the difficult times easier. Once I got past crying uncontrollably at the drop of a hat, I started going out... anywhere and everywhere. It's still difficult but it does help. Recently following a mountain biking accident and consequent surgery, I've had to be at home more which has also been good. But basically I find that having options to go out, whether or not I choose them, is important to my PMA.
We should chat sometime about how our legal training and mindset gets in the way of all of this... I have a few thoughts about that!
Interesting that you mention that. I am going to school right now for Legal studies and I often wonder if the analytical mindset and constantly being in solution thinking makes us approach things differently. I would be interested to hear Beth's response on this, as well.
SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
Techguy - thanks for stopping by, good to have you back.
WIT/SMW - I think it would be very interesting to discuss how our legal training affects our approach to things. My H is also an attorney and I believe it has a very negative effect on how he handles depression and MLC.
WIT - thanks for coming by after my post. I seem to struggle quite a bit with making myself develop a social life. I am trying to work on it.
I don't want to pretend to you or others here that socializing is always easy. I had my first post-separation social gathering at my home last Friday evening. There were some couples there and it was tough. Some of them knew my h and me as a couple, and it felt kind of empty. I cried after everyone left. Even getting ready for the party, there were small things... like having only half of the serving dishes (we've divided all of the joint property). So, it's not easy, but it can be helpful. It's also one of my 180s. Somehow in the past few years I think my h developed this idea of me as not being social enough. That's not really true but certainly the "lack" in our marriage for a few years made me react by withdrawing somewhat, even from friends. So I'm trying to fix that.
To SMW as well as Beth - the legal training is both an advantage and disadvantage, as far as I can see. It does help me to be very solution-oriented and focused, but it doesn't leave much room for emotion. I'm working on that since I think my career-focus got in the way of having the depth and breadth of emotional connection in my m that I want and am capable of having(another 180 in progress!).
At the same time, being solution-oriented can tip over into control issues so it's an interesting balance. As I learn the importance of detachment in all my relationships, my control issues seem to be evaporating, truly. And there's a freedom that I wish I had discovered and trusted years ago. It's rocking a few of my close relationships and I guess I'll just have to watch to see what effects it may have in my m.
{{{Beth}}} Good morning my friend!! If I remember correctly, you have horseback riding this weekend?? I hope it will be good weather for you..I'm so thankful it's sunny after 2 days of dreary rain..aren't you?
Hugs my friend and hope your day is as wonderful as you are!
Tawnya
Me:39 H:40 D18/S12 M20/T21 Bomb 10/11/08 One Two Three Four
WIT - Wow! You are lightyears ahead of me, entertaining in your home, couples who know you and your H, I am impressed. I am still trying to force myself out into the world to actually meet people.
As for the legal training, I agree that it makes solution-oriented thinking easier. I have not had it affect my emotional capacity. If anything, I have always been over-emotional. That has been a big 180 for me, having to react calmly in the face of H saying he no longer loves me and does not want to reconcile. I have done it and it helps me feel better.
Tawnya - Thanks for checking in on me. I have a riding lesson on Sunday.
Journaling
Just took a scary step for me. My DB coach (last session) told me to reach out to H for practical things. I thought of his garden and she said that was the idea. She said send an email, make it humorous and tellhim you need advice for the garden. But leave it open so he could invite himself to help. So, I wrote this morning saying that I plan to winterize his garden this weekend and any advice or input would be appreciated. As I was typing this, he replied.
Apparently, he has to work in NY early next week so he is traveling there this weekend to see some shows first and have some fun. Wants to "reach out to me next week" whatever that means. So, I will do my best with the garden this weekend. I will not change my plans or wait for him. If and when he reaches out, I will simply reply that I have done my best and that as I said in my email, I was planning to do the work this weekend.
I am angry, sad and worried all at the same time. Right now, mostly angry that I am worried and sad and he is off to NY for fun. Clearly not detached enough because man does this hurt.
My mom is in town now, so I will not be alone until after the holidays. I am grateful for that.
Nothing I am doing is working. Of course, it is making me stronger and that is great, it really is, I just really wanted these techniques to work on H and they are not. I do not know how to let him go, but I am going to have to figure it out because I do not think he is ever coming back. Hell, I don't think he is even looking back. To him, it seems, I am not much more than someone he sends money once a month. Guess that means I am like any other creditor of his. Wow, that feels good.
