PS. I think it's hard to tell if he is drawing back or not because contact is already so infrequent and in the past few months there are times when it took him weeks to return a phone call...?? We talked last mon, then again this monday, I emailed him tues to follow up with schools for his brother, no response, texted him tues, he responded by emailing me.
Does that mean... he is stepping back because he responded to only 1 of my 2 contacts? Or, is he returning in kind because his email was as long as the 2 contacts combined? So... if I called him tonight to leave a quick message and he got freaked out ("why is T contacting me for the... third time this week?") he might just... disappear???
Good news!! I had an awesome yoga class and felt so happy and silly afterwards that I decided I should just call him. so I did, praying "voicemail, voicemail", and left a really short message that was something like, "B, this is transformer! I found out today that I am graduating next week! I just took my last final today. I am all finished with everything and ready to go!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" and hung up.
Not expecting a response... he called me less than an hour later! He sounded so excited and happy that I'm going to graduate. I briefly explained how it all happened (no gory details). He was totally supportive and excited sounding!!
Then there was a little pause and I asked if he had just gotten out of rehearsal for the "magic of christmas" concerts he is doing with the orchestra he plays with in Maine. I jokingly asked if he was feeling "totally magical" and he jokingly (but seriously) said that he would soon go to his friend J's place to party (J is a guy friend of B's that I met a couple years ago. nothing threatening. also, playing christmas music for hours on end can be really... tiring. sometimes you really need to let off some steam afterwards).
and then there was a little pause and he said, "I have some good news to share with you too!!" And he went on to tell me that his string quartet had FINALLY found a new permanent first violinist to replace the one who resigned suddenly last winter/spring. I think they have been looking for like 8 months. Then we talked for a while (much longer than my news) about how they found the replacement, I asked some questions like, "how did you decide to choose her?" etc.
The new violinist, a woman named A is an established freelancer in NYC who is willing to give up some of her freelance stuff to work with the group. I was secretly excited to hear that because it sounds like she would not be gung-ho about moving to the middle of nowhere (like the "north dakota" plan B referred to during the bomb, a place where I seriously would have nothing to do). He also said that there was a chance they could try for the string quartet residency in Juilliard since the deadline is in April. (Awesome for him because it's an amazing opportunity--a stipend and rehearsal space at Juilliard, coaching with the Juilliard String Quartet--and also secretly exciting because that would be yet another reason for his group not to move to the middle of f'in nowhere.)
Then he told me a little bit about the quartet's plans, how they were using their substitute violinist to go to Iowa in January, but the new permanent violinist would be going with them to California in February. I asked if he was doing a concert in CA with his quartet instead of with his violin-playing brother, and he said yes.
There was a weird pause and i thought maybe he wanted to get off the phone but he said, "that reminds me... did I send that guy an email?" And then I think he was going through his email while we were on the phone trying to figure out if he had. But he was talking most of the time, so he wasn't multitasking instead of listening to me. He also told me about the awkward phone call he made to the new permanent violinist when he offered her the job.
I asked about the substitute violinist, if it was the same one they had offered the job to in the spring/summer but who didn't want to take it. Same person but she agreed to play with them in the interim. He said something a little strange, very jokingly, "oh, we were SO excited and we thought she would be perfect" [maybe he even said something like, "we thought we could twist her arm," but it was a little garbled] "but she didn't want to join the group. ah!! We were so young! We didn't know about love!" I wasn't sure if he said that because he felt so comfortable with me he could talk about love, or if subconsciously he was expressing some desire to talk to me about love or ... something? No way to know, it just sort of jumped out.
And another thing jumped out... he said that the new violinist is maybe older than he is--he doesn't know for sure--and how he was sort of surprised she was willing to go for something with a group that "isn't really established" or something to that effect. I was really surprised to hear him describe his group like that, because I am so impressed by what they have done!
I listened A LOT, and repeatedly said things like, "congratulations! that is so great, now the group can blossom and grow and evolve! It must be so good to be out of limbo!" I really meant it from my heart.
We had been on the phone for about 20 minutes when I asked him if he needed to go party with his friend at the same time he told me he should probably go. Then he said when he heard my message he really wanted to call me BEFORE he partied with his friend, because he was so glad to hear the news! that was the nicest part, to me
I feel good! It had a warm and fuzzy, happy supportive not-awkward open feeling! Also I did a good job of listening more and also having it be light and fun. HOOORAY!!!!!!!!!!
sorry this is so long, just trying to get it all down! ((((((everyone))))))) love, T
Your posts are so gorgeous! You are such a beautiful person! Wish I was there to give you a huge hug and celebrate life! Congrats on the great contact with B. Congrats on graduating. Congrats on being in such a great place and having so much love to share!
((((T))))
P.S I'm going to Indonesia - you can come with me!
WOW! Lots of great contact with B- I'm so excited for you, and happy! I love that he was asking you for advice and joking about not taking notes.
Did you call him on Thursday? I know it's hard but try not to analyse his patterns of behaviour too much. He may have just found it easier to respond at one time than another and forgotten about the other contact. I do that often myself (I know it's inefficient). IMHO a little more contact won't hurt, but keep it light and friendly, and don't expect responses. You need to show that your friendship isn't dependent on how he behaves. Give him a little unconditional Transformer love!
L. xx
PS. Lick your frenulum?!! ROTFLMAO!!! I can't imagine ever saying that in a million years. Frenulum- my goodness!
I think for so long I was really focused on changing myself and figuring out how I had contributed to the crisis. But more recently, part of me has been like, "Sh!t, girl! What he did to you was really, really terrible, immature, controlling, disrespectful. Why are you working so hard for someone who treated you like garbage?" T
I was so happy to read this T. Very healthy I think, to keep that view in balance, with the view that everyone has issues and that you have somehow committed to being there for him in spite of B's issues.
Can I tell you again how jealous I am that you and B connect so deeply about your passion for music. H and I connect physically but so far we havent had much emotional connection, or sharing deeply about our thoughts.
I was just looking at my last post and thinking I must have been on another planet because of course you called him and there's that post about it. Sorry!! I was losing it yesterday!
I'm so pleased that he called you and did it before going out- he must have really wanted to congratulate you and that's so fantastic and positive. Did you discuss anything to do with meeting up, or contacting each other again? Not that it matters- spontaneity seems to work pretty well in any case!
I'm not sure about the love reference- I know it's hard but try not to analyse it. I find myself doing that with some things CEO says to me sometimes, but the trick is to not try an attribute any hidden meaning to it. I would say it probably means he was comfortable with talking to you, although I couldn't really get the context of the comment (sorry).
I hope you're having a transformer-tastic weekend, and HUUUUUUURRRRRAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYY on graduating next week. That's such FANTABULOUS news!!
Yay!!! Thank you so much for your sweet and thoughtful and funny posts!!! I feel so loved!!!! I'm sorry I haven't been posting much, I have been a lil busy catching up on everything I didn't do during the semester, but I promise to post on your threads and write personalized responses to your posts soon!
I just finished hanging out with a friend in real life, and gave her an update on what's happened with B this past week. She said, "if you're going to be in boston and he'll be in maine on tuesday and wednesday, and it's only 2 hours away, WHY DON'T YOU TRY TO SEE HIM IN MAINE? If it was *me* and you only got to see *me* 6 times a year, wouldn't you get on a bus to come see *me*?" She suggested that I just call him up and say, "Hey! I just realized that I'm going to be in Boston when you'll be in Maine! Do you want to do lunch in Maine on Wednesday?" Or something like that. She also told me I need to be more flirtatious with him and I sighed and said, "That's what all the divorcebusters are telling me... "
Hi T You are so lovely! What are you waiting for! Its a great idea. Call him and do exactly what your friend suggests.
You just need a line for the 3 possible outcomes: 1. He says great - love to. (T is suitably excited and has a specific plan that she is asking him if he can join her in) 2. He umms and ahhs and isnt sure if he can fit it in (T is calm and tells him to call her if he can work out a way for it to fit in) 3. He says he cant, he's too busy (T expresses disappointment but manages to make B feel like he's missed out on seeing her, all said in a fun happy way!)
And yes if you get there and see him, you must step up the flirting. Just look into his eyes a little longer than normal, or more friendly / lingering physical contact. I'm sure you can do the cute, giggly thing too if necessary, flirting should be fun - dont be scared!
You can so do this T!
I cant read the magical chair thing - says I'm in the wrong country to view it?!?! Weird?!
I agree with your RL friend, and Essie- you should definitely do it, and I love Essie's suggestions for how to handle the different outcomes.
I can't see the magical chair either
When will you call him, or would you prefer to e-mail? I always think you guys both connect so well on the phone, so I'd just give him a ring. There's nothing to lose even if he says he can't make it- you can always meet another time. So exciting!!
"