Going to Retrouvaille, any Advice?

[techguy]

Sorry for the delay, had to get on a plane and travel for business. Time for a recap of my personal results.

Wife had been cordial in the days before the event. She had been insisting on driving in separate cars (a four hour drive in winter weather) and staying in separate rooms only a week ago. She agreed to carpool down together right before we left. We had a pleasant drive and stopped to allow her a bit of shopping. On arrival at the hotel, they had reserved two rooms. She asked if they could cancel one room. Told me she was feeling frugal.

Note that this is an ongoing pattern... she performs actions which are positive, but refuses to verbally acknowledge them. For example, when she paused the D legalities the last time, she said it was because she was busy with the holidays and was ill (new ulcer). She would not acknowledge any motive around reconciliation.

The first evening only has a couple of dialog sessions (the notebook swapping process). One of the questions pertained to our feelings about our current relationship. Wife used the word 'refreshed' to describe her feeling.

It's my job to restate her feelings to show I understand. So I said: 'So the separation has given you a break from me, so you feel refreshed'. She said that was wrong. She said instead: "I've been shocked at how many radical changes you have made. You are a totally different person and that makes me feel like our relationship has been refreshed". (The quote is paraphrased, but she did use the specific terms "refreshed", "shocked" and "radical").

As a Divorce Buster, that answer was obviously gratifying. It was like a one sentence proof that our DB strategies do work! Pretty soon it was lights out for the night. As we lay in our separate beds, I just voiced a simple "good night". I received back a "good night" response in a caring tone.

The next morning it quickly became apparent that many of the couples had become closer. There was more touching and hand holding... but nothing from wife. She wasn't cold... She just wouldn't initiate things.

I'm still trying to understand the forces at work here. Some days I think she wants me to 'chase' her in some attempt to feel better about herself. But it doesn't really come off that way. It's hard to describe, but it feels more like she is suffering from emotional trauma similar to how a rape victim might feel... it's like she wants to restore intimacy, but doesn't quite know how and is perhaps afraid to initiate herself.

So at one point I touched her shoulder when I brushed by her in the room. She didn't bristle. We were talking a few minutes later and I said something about not knowing what she was comfortable with. She said: "Well, you just touched me and I didn't complain" in a fairly neutral but slightly caring voice.

The second half of the day stayed positive, but there wasn't much further improvement. Things were hampered by wife's health. It was apparent that intense R stuff was causing her a great deal of emotional turmoil. Her ulcer started acting up and she got a bad headache as well. She needed to skip the last session of the day and stay in the room... just too much emotional overload for her.

However, when I returned to the room she did want to have one last conversation. She asked me if I understood that she didn't know the new techguy. He's radically different; what if she didn't like the new him? I asked her if any of my changes were negative. She said not, except that I'm sometimes annoyingly positive. But she needed to get to know me. Of course, I let her know I had all the time in the world.

So it's lights-out. We're lying in our separate beds and we exchange 'good nights'. Again cordial. Then after about two minutes, she asks if I would be willing to lay with her in a very hesitant voice.

Now, the bed thing was very one sided. She put her back to me and I gently spooned her. Caressed her back, etc... She did nothing in return and asked me if that was OK. I reassured her that she had done more than enough by having the courage to invite me over.

Honestly, Sunday was a bit of backsliding. It disappointed me at the time, as Friday and Saturday were so incredibly productive. But in hindsight, I've decided that it was probably just a case of WAS having some retreating after positive developments.

Things didn't go really badly. I tried to hold her hand at one point on Sunday and it just ended up being kind of awkward. It was subtly clear that she wasn't emotionally up for any more progress.

The last question at Retrouvaille is an open-ended question about your dreams for the future. This presented a bit of a conundrum for me. We aren't supposed to pursue... but heck, we aren't even supposed to initiate R-talks at all and that's all we did the whole weekend! So I decided to go ahead and write about my dreams for a new relationship with wife and a happy family.

Wife read my text and weeped uncontrollably. But there was an aspect of the tears which were sad. Kind of came off like "that's a beautiful vision, but it's impossible'.

Wife's letter back to me was much more reserved. She did say that 'she wanted me in her life in some form'. But she also acknowledged how much she enjoyed living alone and being independent. I was a bit demoralized by that... it took all my DB detachment to avoid a meltdown. But I did survive the moment.

We did talk about things a bit and the summary is that wife just doesn't have romantic feelings for me yet. She said she enjoyed me holding her in bed, but just doesn't feel any spark to reciprocate. And her MLC is still too strong.

In summary:

If I had written this post on Sunday night, it would have had a disappointing tone. Things went so well on Friday and Saturday, but then kind of backslid on Sunday. It was really hard during our last group meeting to see the tenderness from other couples. I was jealous that we didn't reach that level.

But, in hindsight, I've regained a much more positive view of the weekend. I thought about the blessing I got just to have one night caressing my wife. I thought about all my friends here like Beth and COG who would probably trade anything for that opportunity with their spouses. And then I felt ashamed for my disappointment. I know that God gave me a very special moment.