Independence Day on the Lake Erie shore.....

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Since I left, I always, always, ALWAYS jumped at the chance to help her, hoping, beyond hope, that if I help her enough, she'll eventually realize that I am not all that bad, and I have changed. That proved to be a cheeseless tunnel for me.

I've finally taken an objective look at my sitch....every time...EVERY TIME....something happens where i begin to pull away and move forward (or she thinks I am), she pulls me back in by asking me to do things for her...sending me pix messages of hte kids...being overly friendly.....then she pulls away again when she knows i'm not going anywhere. SHe's gotten upset whenever i've mentioned me buying a house on my own. Anytime i show that i'm moving forward with my life, she tries to reel me back in.

This never ceases to amaze me. Really. Sometimes I think God just sits up there and laughs, I really do . . .

Puppy

[Neilh23]

good god man....

breakaway....i'm not upset...no worries. that post was partially for myself so when i go back and read, i can see my mindset better. LOL. that plus so many people are assuming my thoughts, i thought i would put them out there myself!!! LOL

and man, i just started this thread the other day....gonna need a new name soon!

[mulesqb]

what it is, is that i've been working on myself, and at the same time do my best to help and be there for her. I don't bail her out of jams....unless she asks for help. Do i sometimes offer help? yes, of course i do. But because i offer so often, she perhaps is beginning to think that i will be there to, as AinO puts it, wipe her Azz when this all works out.

Basically, i'm just going to not go out of my way to offer to help her. which is something that i've done since i left. If this is truly what she wants, then that's what's gonna happen. She CHOSE this for us, not me. if she emails me, and I DON'T THINK it warrants a response, i won't respond. If i THINK it does, then, of course, I will. I'm not deliberately ignoring her.

Since I left, I always, always, ALWAYS jumped at the chance to help her, hoping, beyond hope, that if I help her enough, she'll eventually realize that I am not all that bad, and I have changed. That proved to be a cheeseless tunnel for me.

I've finally taken an objective look at my sitch....every time...EVERY TIME....something happens where i begin to pull away and move forward (or she thinks I am), she pulls me back in by asking me to do things for her...sending me pix messages of hte kids...being overly friendly.....then she pulls away again when she knows i'm not going anywhere. SHe's gotten upset whenever i've mentioned me buying a house on my own. Anytime i show that i'm moving forward with my life, she tries to reel me back in.

if it came across like i'm manipulating her, that's not what my goal is here. She knew..without a doubt...that if things didn't work out with the troll, she could come back to me. and i would take her back. Look, she's lost all of her friends because of this. Now, if I start to drift away, then......

and i can honestly say......I don't know if I want her back. Part of me does.....and part of me doesn't. I'm doing htis for me. I'm sad my W is choosing not to be part of this process, don't get me wrong. I'm choosing to take control of my life...once and for all. If she wants to join and become part of it again......i'd do my best to make her the happiest woman in the world. if she chooses not to, so be it.......

Neil - Great post bro. I could have written a lot of it. I have the same mindset as you. Along with the mindset comes good days and bad days. But it moves you closer towards you healing. And that is what I always understood DBing to be about. You becoming better. I have to be the worst DBer in the history of this site - but I am finally feeling like a better man than I was. I can honestly say that DBing didn't help bring my W closer to me at all, but I don't stop because the process of improving me continues.

And I can't agree with you more - I'm sad my W has chosen her path. But that's her decision. And because so much has gone down - I don't even know if I would want to reconcile any more. There are days I do and days I don't. But I am definitely getting control of my life. The only way for that to happen was to start removing myself from her drama. I guess what some of the women here don't realize is how hard it is for us to do that. Do you know how much I want to help her when she asks?? I'm sure you feel the same way Neil- you love her - that's what you do for people you love. So it's the 180 of all 180s to back off. But for our personal growth and to be able to move on - we have to do it. I know I am not trying to manipulate her and i think I know you well enough now to know you aren't either.

Just my $.02

Strength and Honor bro.

[Neilh23]

Puppy and AinO...you guys seriously need to grow up. cmon.... LOL...j/k

thanks for your support mules...strength and honor back at ya bro..

here's the thing...

i still hope, that one day, my W and I can indeed reconcile. I've realized that my W has a lot of work to do still on herself. As do I, since, hey, i'm not perfect (i might come off as it sometimes, but...). She needs the time and space to do just that. I want to help her...to demonstrate to her that i've learned things about R's that will benefit us. She has to want to see that tho.

I'm just not going to bet the farm that we are gonna reconcile. i did that. and I lost. literally. right after i started posting here, we sold our dream home. that same week we signed our sep papers. that week SUCKED.

mules is right...i still love my W. with my entire heart. i'm a better man for this entire sitch. If my W chooses not to acknowledge that, then.......that's the way it has to be.

[Dudess]

Q: Is it "manipulation" to use strategies and tactics that have been shown to be effective? Aren't "180s", GAL, LRT and all of the other DB techniques, in fact, "manipulation" in that they are deliberately employed by the left-behind spouse in order to solicit a positive reaction from their wayward spouse and hopefully save their marriage?

Discuss amongst yourselves . . .

Puppy

I prefer to think of it as "strategic". It's hard to argue with results.

[mulesqb]

right after i started posting here, we sold our dream home. that same week we signed our sep papers. that week SUCKED.

Stay with me bro. This is my next step. Anticipating suckage in Mulesville. Could start next week.

[Tawnya]

{{{Neil}} Love the discussion that started because of this..and I still have to say, you sound like you are doing solid work for yourself..and YOU are worth it..whether she ever sees it or not my friend!

Tawnya

[Neilh23]

thanks tawnya...i appreciate the compliment!!

i'll admit...i did backslide a little. d2.5 is on new meds, so i texted W to see how her bowel movements were because in the past, she's gotten stopped up when she's been on meds. just about an hour now, and no response. gee, should i point out to her the next time i can that i don't like it when i don't get responses either?????

[Tawnya]

LOL Neil..only if you don't mind getting the same treatment eh?

Tawnya

[smartcookie]

still kinda feel like i'm being a jerk. but i'm friendly to her when she and i see each other and talk. so IDK...

This says some of it right here. The way you feel like a jerk. Is that making you healthier ? The fact that a lot of what you are doing is orchestrated to get a response from her.

I normally advise people, LBS or WAS, to save themself first. If spouse happens to change as a result of that, wonderful. If not, you're still making yourself healthier.

Oh, & puppy, HEALTHY women love nice guys. Women who are hurting & desperate for a man's approval & acceptance, tend to respond to being ignored.

So what's the long term goal Neil. Get her back, even if it's playing up her abandonment fears ? or.... get healthy with or without her ?

jmo