Divorced, but 'still hopeful' to reconcile.

[still hopeful]

Hello All,

On Monday evening (at her mom's), XW asked me why I had started buying the children's Xmas presents without her. This is how messed up I am in this whole divorce situation. We had always gone Xmas present shopping together for the children (usually my wish).

Looking back, that was a really irrational feeling because I never considered DH#4 a threat. As a matter-of-fact, my feelings truly have been all along that I am the best match for XW and she is never going to find someone to love her the way that I love her nor to take care of her the way that I take care of her; very similar to her dream about me that she recently related to me.

This year, despite the fact that, even while separated and subsequently divorced, we had continued our Xmas shopping together. But this year, even after DH#4, I was feeling like a whiny, hurt baby and feeling very sorry for myself. I WAS WAITING FOR HER TO ASK ME!!! Uhhh, I had never waited for that prior to this year. I couldn't undo what I'd already done shopping-wise, but we will finish up the shopping together and present the presents as a unit, like we've always done in the past. MY LESSON: ask questions; don't make assumptions.

It has been difficult watching XW's involvement with a string of idiots (I tried to think of a PC term, but no appropriate terms came to mind) whom she had chosen to get involved with and involve our children with (<---my REAL issue!). Mind you, the worst one, #3, was truly a criminal; someone XW knew in HS. Shortly after XW got involved with this piece of work, he went away to jail for 5 months. While he was in jail, XW moved him into her place with my children! XW told me that she and #3 were not serious before he went to jail but they got more serious while he was inside. Nice, huh?

I stayed away as much as possible while DH#3 lived with XW, because I didn't want to have an altercation with #3 and need to rely on XW to be an objective and truthful witness about why I had to dismantle the little troll. To shorten this part of her silliness, 6 weeks was all it took for the 'stuff' to hit the fan on this 'LOVE' fest. His (& her) idiocy led to 2 calls to the sheriff department and 2 additional stints in jail for #3.

Additionally, since I took on the responsibility to 'save' XW from #3 on 4 or 5 occasions things were tense between us. On the last 'saving' of XW, I finally told XW that she CLEARLY didn't want to be saved, since she had let #3 right back into her place and that she should stop calling me. XW called me the very next evening at midnight and asked me what I was doing (LOL)? I was doing laundry and she told me she wanted me to come to her house. When I arrived, 2 sheriff cars were parked out front and I found out that 2 others had just left. One of the deputies on the 2nd call was also on the first call. This deputy told XW he was disgusted that she allowed #3 back in her life after the first call. He also advised her to get a restraining order, which I couldn't get her to do after the first call. Happily, for me anyway, #3 was out of the picture for good at that juncture.

Sadly, XW's involvement with #3 resulted in Child Protective Services (California) alerted to 2 domestic violence calls being made to the sheriff while the children were present. THIS is NOT a good thing, but the file is no longer active after a 4 month investigation.

Tuesday evening, Dec. 9, I received a call from XW asking me to pick up our daughter from school. I said OK and went and took D8 and S3 to her home. When I got there, I tended to the children with her there. As she became involved with getting the children ready for bed, I told her that I was gonna head out.

XW then asked my why?
I said, well, I just want to get out of your hair and let you get on with your evening.
XW said, maybe you could stay? Maybe you could spend the night?
I said, why, do you still need help with the children?
She said no, she just thought hanging out with with me would be nice. The children were gonna be in bed.
Then, she hit me with, "You can take them to school in the morning." NOT unexpected, but it put somewhat of a damper on a nice interaction.
End results: I spent the night with her in her(our!)bed. And NO. Nothing happened. Just sleep. In the morning I got the children ready and took them to school. All-in-all Tuesday was a nice time. I'll safely chalk that up to a nice interaction and won't read anything into it.

Last night (Dec. 10) I received a call from XW asking me to come over and help her with the children. XW asked me to stop and pick her up something to eat and I went over. This time XW went down pretty quickly and slept with our prince of a S3. I tended to our princess of a D8 and got her settled and to sleep. I slept on the LR couch and took our children to school this morning. Again, another nice interaction with my W.

I am still haunted by the memory of my sister asking me, "What do you want? Do you want to be her 2nd husband? Do you want to be the guy she has to do all of her **** work while she shares her bed with someone else?" A harsh but necessary slap of reality that I needed then and still need now. Ugh! All of my friends and family shake their collective heads at me; at what I do; and at how I handle my R with XW. All I can say is that I am the one who is working to win back my wife; working to make his family whole again, because I believe that I am working to accomplish what God wants me to accomplish and that is what I want because I believe that my mission is right. At the same time, I do pray for the the Holy Spirit to help me with a discerning mind, two laser-sharp eyes and 2 keen ears I can use to steer me clear of situations and people that don't work FOR me, but instead work AGAINST me.

I feel I am closer today to reconciling with my wife than I have been at any point in the past 3 years. I can actually finally SEE this as a real possibility of reconciliation. Patience and prayer are my friends. I rely on the Holy Spirit to give me the wisdom to make the correct steps, take the right actions, say the right things.... I also rely on the valuable information in Michelle's books and the invaluable real-time and real-life my brothers and sisters on the board here to give me real-time, real-life personal stories and advice/insight on how best to proceed in my delicate (aren't they all?) situation. One thing that I do know is necessary to assist in making any reconciliation work for us is that we both must continue on our individual paths of real self-improvement and real spiritual growth.

I know I am not perfect, but I do know that I am a much better person, man, father, friend, son, and potential partner than I have been at any point in my life through taking a constant critical look at WHO I am versus WHO I want to be and through my tireless to take steps in that direction, celebrating those small improvements along the way.

I believe XW has seen this, but I definitely hurt her deeply with my affair. For anyone who knows someone else who is contemplating getting out of a marriage, having taken this cowardly path myself, I would say to exhaust all other options like the following unless the M is abusive: (1) come here and get Michelle's books and take advantage of the boards (2) talk to your spouse directly; (3)seek counseling, either thru DB, your church or others secularly; and (4)thousands of 'fix' your marriage books exist, and some are actually gems.

I have come a long way through lots of self work, but knowing how far I've come only makes me aware of how far I still have to grow and go. I am a work in progress, but at least I know I am not a finished product. I hope XW slows down long enough to be able to see that she wants me as her own, despite my mistakes of the past. I hurt her terribly. I hope she is also able to see her contribution to the demise of our marriage over time, as I see mine. We'll see.

In closing, my situation is long and complicated (I know, as they all are). My first few posts have been soooooo looooong, but I've wanted to get the meat of the story out. I will fill in the side dishes as I move forward to fill you all in so that you will have a clear picture from which to assist me in achieving our reconciliation, if you would be so kind.

Thank you all,
Tom