Rob - I value your straightforward input tremendously - and you've been helping me keep my thoughts straight in a big way. I was starting to take on more of the blame - and, no, that's not what I should be doing these days...I think it's part of that impulse I have to say, okay, let me find a way to fix this - and the fact is that if I can look at myself and see my mistakes - and I can fix those mistakes - it gives me the illusion that I can improve things with my wife...but the reality is so much more complicated than that - since I can't fix my wife at all - I can only fix things about me for me at this point - and that work will benefit my kids the most...
I keep feeling like I'm at yet another stage of detachment - where I have to accept the possibility that it may just be over - and it's been tearing into me in a big way. I'm not holding on to her - but I look at just how much has to change in the next few months and sometimes it just feels overwhelming - add to that the fact that I haven't had much work come my way for a couple weeks now and it makes me feel concerned about finances, etc...actually, I've only recently started to get upset with my W about the financial toll this is taking on us - moreso me, since my parents don't to my rescue the way her mother does for her.
I'm job hunting these days - and trying to figure out just what to do in terms of work - even though I know that the current situation is a kind of temporary, and that I've got some work lined up for January - it's this month - and the holidays - that are getting to me.
For the past few years I had been so proud of us in that we never had to use a single credit card to get our presents for anyone - but this year - it's a mess...just a terrible, annoying, frustrating mess...and it's actually starting to make me feel a bit stressed about things...and, of course, it doesn't help that the market tanked - since even the money that I had in the market is about 40% of what it was at the beginning of last year...ugh...I just feel down and a bit tossed around in the wind right now...and I couldn't get anything done today - nothing at all...I went to the gym, had my "free" workout with a trainer - and then just came home and felt catatonic....couldn't read, write, couldn't look for jobs, couldn't do much of anything...maybe I just needed a day off and my body was trying to demand it.
At least I'm going to pick up my baby boy soon...and then I'm heading out to hang out with my S11 this evening...After that I might swing by that Thursday night men's group...haven't decided if I'll do that or not yet.
