Rob - I value your straightforward input tremendously - and you've been helping me keep my thoughts straight in a big way. I was starting to take on more of the blame - and, no, that's not what I should be doing these days...I think it's part of that impulse I have to say, okay, let me find a way to fix this - and the fact is that if I can look at myself and see my mistakes - and I can fix those mistakes - it gives me the illusion that I can improve things with my wife...but the reality is so much more complicated than that - since I can't fix my wife at all - I can only fix things about me for me at this point - and that work will benefit my kids the most...
I keep feeling like I'm at yet another stage of detachment - where I have to accept the possibility that it may just be over - and it's been tearing into me in a big way. I'm not holding on to her - but I look at just how much has to change in the next few months and sometimes it just feels overwhelming - add to that the fact that I haven't had much work come my way for a couple weeks now and it makes me feel concerned about finances, etc...actually, I've only recently started to get upset with my W about the financial toll this is taking on us - moreso me, since my parents don't to my rescue the way her mother does for her.
I'm job hunting these days - and trying to figure out just what to do in terms of work - even though I know that the current situation is a kind of temporary, and that I've got some work lined up for January - it's this month - and the holidays - that are getting to me.
For the past few years I had been so proud of us in that we never had to use a single credit card to get our presents for anyone - but this year - it's a mess...just a terrible, annoying, frustrating mess...and it's actually starting to make me feel a bit stressed about things...and, of course, it doesn't help that the market tanked - since even the money that I had in the market is about 40% of what it was at the beginning of last year...ugh...I just feel down and a bit tossed around in the wind right now...and I couldn't get anything done today - nothing at all...I went to the gym, had my "free" workout with a trainer - and then just came home and felt catatonic....couldn't read, write, couldn't look for jobs, couldn't do much of anything...maybe I just needed a day off and my body was trying to demand it.
At least I'm going to pick up my baby boy soon...and then I'm heading out to hang out with my S11 this evening...After that I might swing by that Thursday night men's group...haven't decided if I'll do that or not yet.
Hi Dudess: It is a tough time for all those issues to come together...all part of the new reality I have to tackle, I suppose.
I went to that men's group last night...after hanging out with my S11....when I talked about my frustrations with MIL buying all that stuff for my W - one of the senior members responded by telling me that I should not let those material gifts from MIL "diminish" me....It was an amazing thing to hear...and it really made me think a lot about how I was reacting to her mom's intervention...in the end, it really just means my son is more comfortable at her place...they also reminded me that I should not look at her getting stuff for her new place as another nail in the coffin of our marriage...
...just to clarify things, though...I don't know what will become of our marriage - and I know that there's nothing I can do to convince my W to return to it or even just to go to IC for herself and MC for us...but I have finally realized (or maybe just fully accepted) that I have to use this time to the fullest. No matter what happens with my M, I have to work - I have to get up, do my work, take care of myself and take care of my kids...and I can't succumb to the sadness of things falling apart...
Take it slow. That's all I can say to you Carlos. These holidays make all of us sad. It's family fun period of the year. And we feel we've lost that. Take care of you, xxx K
Hi Kalni, Taking it slow seems to be the best approach...I've been slowing down my racing mind - and slowing down my accelerated emotions - and I've also been trying to slow the negative thoughts that sometimes come into my mind about my wife.
Today I felt more distant from her - but not just in terms of her moving out - but in terms of the years we've spent together - and I've asked myself, over and over, why do I want to be with someone that does not seem to love me - and that I used to doubt loved me even before she dropped the bomb. Part of my knows that she loved me before - as best she knew how - but I have these moments of clear recollection when I remember thinking that she didn't genuinely care about me - and that I did not feel love from her very often - especially after our baby was born...(which I hate having to say...since I don't blame my baby boy at all...but it does make me wonder about what she really wanted from me).
Her affair, her need for male attention, her unwillingness to work on our M, her decision to move out, and now her darkness toward me...the truth is...it's a lot of negatives to have to live with...and I think I deserver better than that...
I've had thoughts go through my mind today of just calling her up and asking for the divorce - but I won't do that yet - as it may just be an emotional counter-response to the feelings that dragged me down yesterday..still...there is a part of me that thinks ahead to January and just wants to say that's enough...I don't want this anymore...I am a good person and a good father...and perhaps I've just loved someone that is just too harmful for me and my S11...I wouldn't say that she's harmful to our S2 - because she's loving toward him and very warm and playful...in fact, she's the person I fell in love with...but with me and my S11, she's just angry and resentful...and I just don't want that anymore...maybe the overwhelming sadness that swept through me was part of another layer of the mourning process...it really feels that way today...
I just wanted to stop by to say that I find you to be a very intelligent, very insightful guy. I think you have handled your situation very well so far. Given what I have seen you post in your own thread and to others, I would suggest you put any decisions on hold until well after the holidays.
It is perfectly natural to feel how you are feeling. I will tell you something my IC said to me and maybe it will bring you some comfort. He told me not to confuse getting stronger with no longer feeling bad about the situation. You see, I asked why I am still crying so much and still feeling so sad even though everyone around me keeps telling me how much stronger I am getting.
He reminded me that one can get stronger every day and still grieve at the same time.
That is my very long-winded way of saying, do not make decisions about your relationship until you are sure of the source of the feelings. You have indicated that you may be going through the mourning process, so I sense you are already seeing what I am saying. Just wanted to offer that thought to you.
Sorry I wasn't been able to connect yesterday. I'm with you on feeling blue. We're all in it, my man...especially now w/the holidays.
Time is your friend. Don't lose sight of that.
As for your "down" day, that is fine. Take them and relax. It is ok to "nest" from time to time. Just don't make it a habit or a ritual and you'll be fine.
You were very insightful on your thoughts about "control" and your W. You can only control you, so it is good to get this into your thought pattern. Now the trick is to not only say it, but to own it completely. Once you can own it, you'll be free. It takes time and work. Give time and do work.
Life will sort itself out, so you just keep living for Carlos. There are many things we'll never understand, but we can control how we choose to feel every day.
If you are down, challenge yourself to rise up. Embrace the challenge and win this fight for you.
A better you is the key to future happiness...w/or w/out W in the picture.
In the end, there is only one guaranteed to be there...and that one is Carlos.
Rest tonight and attack life tomorrow, my brother. RTL
It is perfectly natural to feel how you are feeling. I will tell you something my IC said to me and maybe it will bring you some comfort. He told me not to confuse getting stronger with no longer feeling bad about the situation. You see, I asked why I am still crying so much and still feeling so sad even though everyone around me keeps telling me how much stronger I am getting.
He reminded me that one can get stronger every day and still grieve at the same time.
...do not make decisions about your relationship until you are sure of the source of the feelings. Beth
Hi Beth, Thanks so much for stopping by my thread and offering your insights...It was very helpful to read about what your IC said regarding getting stronger and still feeling pain. I've had the same kind of wonderment in my head at times - hearing friends and family tell me that I sound strong and healthy - much more so than before - and then waking to a morning of utter sadness...and just wishing the day would pass.
In the last couple days I've felt very different - and today, while having a small pre-Christmas celebration with my boys - I just felt wonderful and happy...and didn't have the empty feeling that I thought might seize me as they unwrapped their presents. Last night, S11 and I decorated the tree together - and I set up some lights on the outside of the house as well - even wrapped a palm tree in lights...which made me chuckle at the fact that I live in Southern CA...where I never in my life expected to live.
This morning has been wonderful with the boys - and they both seemed to love their presents...I'm thinking I might surprise them with another small Christmas celebration next Saturday - since my S11 and I leave on Sunday for the holidays - and S2 will be with his mom while we're gone.
My W was her same dark, cold self this morning. I walked out and happily said good morning - she turned her back on me and reached into the car - very obviously avoiding eye contact. It just didn't bother me - I picked up my baby boy, wished her a good day and went inside - as I walked away she snipped at me about waiting for her to get his sippy cup out of the car - since I had asked for it - but I simply said, "It looks like you don't have it" - then turned and went into the house with my baby - and showed him the Christmas tree.
A few minutes after my W left, she called - I didn't answer - and she left a message saying that S2 hadn't eaten that much today and reminding me that she was going to pick him up at 6pm today...something of a needless message, since I would feed him anyway...and I already knew what time she was coming by later. I'm feeling better and better about the space between us - especially when I saw her anger again this morning - which was just another reminder of how very toxic she can be...and how very unhappy she can make moments...which is a shame, since she has such a beautiful way of being - and can be so very full of life...maybe she just can't be that way around me anymore...since she hasn't been that way around me for a couple years now...I suppose I bring out the worst in her... (I write with a smile)...
The boys and are are heading out for Santa pictures now...
The mourning process continues...and I do still feel the sadness...but it's not nearly as brutal as it was a couple days ago...and I'm also beginning to see that my W is the one that will be missing out on a lot - I have a lot to offer her - a lot of love and life - but she just wants something else for herself...something that I guess I can't satisfy for her...but I know that I can have a happy, fulfilling life - and that is what I'll do....
You were very insightful on your thoughts about "control" and your W. You can only control you, so it is good to get this into your thought pattern. Now the trick is to not only say it, but to own it completely. Once you can own it, you'll be free. It takes time and work. Give time and do work.
Life will sort itself out, so you just keep living for Carlos. There are many things we'll never understand, but we can control how we choose to feel every day.
If you are down, challenge yourself to rise up. Embrace the challenge and win this fight for you.
A better you is the key to future happiness...w/or w/out W in the picture.
In the end, there is only one guaranteed to be there...and that one is Carlos.
Lots of words to take with me there, Rob - and I appreciate every one of them....It was after reading your post early this morning that I saw my wife differently when she came by to drop off S2 - and I could see how much of her anger was about trying to control me...which is part of the reason I didn't just stand around waiting for her to find the sippy cup...and why it must have pissed her off that I didn't just give in to her like I had been for too long.
Once thing that's really becoming clear to me is how much I can do around the house and for the kids...and that I even had it in me to decorate the house for the holidays without her input...I used to assume that it was because of her that there was a festive side to the holidays over the last few years...now I realize that it's in me too.
Rising up and meeting the challenges of the day is so important and affirming...I have to remember that - and find a way to fight back to my strengths and embrace the challenges as you say. What better way to get stronger than to confront my reality ever day - and not just let it throw me down...it did that to me a couple days ago...and it was terrible...but over the last couple days I've managed to regain and rediscover my strength.
I still have no idea what will become of my M...but I do know that I can live without the person my W has become...and I do know that I can be very happy on my own and with my kids...Last light, as I went to the grocery store to pick up some food for our Christmas celebration this morning, I found myself just smiling as I walked through the parking lot...I used to smile that way when I would walk and think about my lover (my wife), today I smiled as I walked and thought about my self and my kids...not in an arrogant, delusional way - nor in a self-centered conceited way - it was a smile that came from deep inside of me - that part of me that reminded me that being rejected by my wife does not make me lesser of a man...rather...finding myself as I have over the last few months is finally giving me the opportunity to become the man I had always wanted to become. I still have a lot of work ahead of me in that regard, and I think being a better man will always be a work in progress, but I think I finally have the tools and the perspective to do it in a better way - and to offer a much better role model to my two boys.
Let's make these holidays our time to celebrate our lives and our children.
