Ah, I am feeling heartbreak again. It's really, really painful. It feels fresh and raw and all I can do is tell myself that I will bear it. I must bear it.
This three day fast has been interesting. I have been hit with every emotion in the book, and I don't think that's an accident.
I miss him so much. If I try to imagine my life without him forever, I simply cannot do it. He is my north, my south, my east and west - everything that Auden said. I will not accept this. I will not accept a life without him. He is my constant, my friend, and I refuse to let him throw this away.
I will fight for this marriage. I am fighting, and I will not give up.
In any case, all of these feelings of disbelief and mortification came today because I texted him. I know. Everyone's going to tell me to detach. As you all know, it's easier said than done, and I feel like I cannot allow myself to lose faith.
I texted him telling him some gossip about friends. Just funny stuff. ---"Got some gossip. ___ is finally serving ___ with the restraining order. Dad fired ___. Oh, the drama!"
It was about an hour or so before he texted me back. He said: ---"Good about ___ [restraining order]. I hope ___ and ___ don't take it personal."
I responded: ---"Yeah ___ is a nervous wreck. I think ___ and ___ knew it was coming but dad still feels bad."
He responded: ---"Well business is business and I'm sure ___ understands. When do you want to put the car and house in your name? Also the cable. Just wondering when?"
I responded: ---"Just let me know what works for you. I can figure something out, but planning is tough while rushing."
He responded: ---"I know. Take your time. Sorry to rush. Let me know when ready."
I responded: ---"Ok I will. Not dragging my feet - just alot going on."
He responded: ---"It's cool kid."
I responded: ---"Kid? Who you callin' kid?"
He responded: ---"Jokin'. Talk to you later. Don't work too hard."
I responded: "You too. Have a good night."
Damn it, why does every f***ing conversation we have revolve around him rushing along the f***ing D? Seriously, it's so frustrating. Yeah, I get it. He wants a D. I know. But seriously he didn't even bring this stuff up until 11/14. It hasn't even been a f***ing month.
I am SO frustrated. Need to pray.
Need to eat.
Need to remember it's only gonna get worse and steal myself for it. Seriously, at this rate I won't even get a chance to DB because we're in hyper-drive. He is pushing for this D so hard, it's KILLING me.
I seriously feel like he's pushing because he's confused. He's pushing because he feels doubt. He's pushing because he doesn't want to deal with it. He's pushing because he always does this - rush in, make a big decision, and then regret the Hell out of it.
S***, maybe he's just rushing because of the OW. Who knows and who cares.
