I know you are right about this cycle thing, and my problem has been that he has been on the up for the past 6 months and i cannot budge him.
DBing is not about budging him. That is negotiating. This is about you.
Originally Posted By: Mof3
I felt for the first time yesterday how that would feel. It felt like a little bit of anger mixed with a little bit of i dont care.
Great! Get more "I don't care. In DBing, this is acting "as if". Nice work.
Originally Posted By: Mof3
H takes no responsibility for any action he has done in the past 3-4 years. It is my fault even that he smokes ! That used to concern me. I know it should not and it adds to my guilt regarding my A. But I know I have forgiven myself for that.
h is projecting his anger on you. It can't be his fault because he smokes. Sounds like he has depression or anxiety issues. Can't own up to anything. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT! No guilt sister. Let his problems be his problems. Don't forgive yourself for something that isn't your fault.
Originally Posted By: Mof3
I sloowly have made excuses to call. Even being nice and not strong is a cheesless tunnel. I have always been the strong one. something he admired to a point.
There ya go. Make that a goal. Be strong but don't overpower him. It takes balance. keep that in mind.
Stop finding reasons to call him. The pendulum will swing where he calls you.
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My Plan- I will contact only when necessary. We have businesses and children. I am capable of dealing with most stuff. Kids are old enough to communicate direct with H. He can reap his own damage there. i wont fix anything for him or smooth his path. I will get through xmas and holiday absolutely fine. i wil be at holiday home with all of the kids together for the first time in several years. We may not be able to drive the boat but that is the only thing different for us.
^ Now that is a plan. Now work it!!!!
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What is working - Nothing I am doing at all, except doing more and more things for me and laughing with customers, avoiding triggers , reading this site makes me feel better.
Baby steps. Put yourself in this mindset.... He's not going to budge. Chew on that and you'll see the POV.
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What i have not done is 180s. i am not sure if i have the balls yet to do any.
For a chick, you've got some set of balls.. LOL. Rodney Dangerfield.
