Mof3 - Just read your thread as you asked. All I can say is STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I hate to start with tough love but here is comes.....
Breakaway and Puppy are right (yes, you read that right). You have to stop this standoff and punishment cycle.
Delve into the psychology of it a little. When your "in love" and not getting what you want in your M/R, the immature thing to do is punish them. That is controlling. You punish them to get them to quit what they are doing. Well, when you punish someone who is vying for control, they will punish you back to regain control. Then you repeat.
I would suggest you act "as if" it's over. This will allow you to gain control back of yourself, stop the punishment cycle, and focus more on yourself. Yes, you will mourn the loss but right now IT IS LOST! No one is going to waive a magic wand and get you two to stop this mess. What is your goal of all this?
I see a lot of back on forth but I don't see ownership. What are you owning? Something that happened 3 yrs ago? Reconcile that and put it away. If he's going back 2 yrs to punish you, don't take that crap. He can't validate today with something that long ago. That's not a R.. sh*t, I have no idea what that is.
I also see a lot of co-dependency. Why is he responsible for your hurt or happiness?
Read 5 love languages and figure out what your language is and the same for him. Just don't guess what his is, go back are look at times he was really happy. What were you doing? If you don't know, don't guess just observe.
What is your plan? What is working? What is a cheeseless tunnel? You updating your journal.
I know this is hard and I feel awful for all your hurt. With that said, get over it. You can do this! Get into the mental aspect of it and not the emotional. Your emotions are hurt and anger.. that aint gonna help.
You might not notice change in a day, week or month. Took me over three months to notice change within myself. The thing is your partner will notice it before you....
I know you are right about this cycle thing, and my problem has been that he has been on the up for the past 6 months and i cannot budge him.
I agree to stop that, i have to accept it is lost ( and it is )and behave in a way a separated mother and business partner would. I felt for the first time yesterday how that would feel. It felt like a little bit of anger mixed with a little bit of i dont care.
H takes no responsibility for any action he has done in the past 3-4 years. It is my fault even that he smokes ! That used to concern me. I know it should not and it adds to my guilt regarding my A. But I know I have forgiven myself for that.
So emotional V mental.
My cheesless tunnel - is ringing and text him . I can stop that. i have slowed a lot over the past 6 weeks . Actually no contact for first 3 of those ( when he told me of OW ) but I sloowly have made excuses to call. Even being nice and not strong is a cheesless tunnel. I have always been the strong one. something he admired to a point.
My Plan- I will contact only when necessary. We have businesses and children. I am capable of dealing with most stuff. Kids are old enough to communicate direct with H. He can reap his own damage there. i wont fix anything for him or smooth his path. I will get through xmas and holiday absolutely fine. i wil be at holiday home with all of the kids together for the first time in several years. We may not be able to drive the boat but that is the only thing different for us.
Is that what you mean by plan ?
What is working - Nothing I am doing at all, except doing more and more things for me and laughing with customers, avoiding triggers , reading this site makes me feel better.
What i have not done is 180s. i am not sure if i have the balls yet to do any.
A hit it on the head!! It takes time and patience....start with YOU...if H makes it into YOUR space...so be it!
Little story
I bought mysef new sheets and blanket set couple months back...for the "man suite". W was absolutely furious!! Why...how much...blah blah blah. Monday night...I go clothes shopping...get home and start gettin out my "booty"....W comments how I saved money by getting stuff on sale! No anger...no blah blah blahs...she commented how she has taught me well (looking for deals)...I just said "yup". Doesn't sound like much??? It is something though......
Food for thought..
H 34 W 31 M 11yrs D 11 D 9
6-1-08 I wanted to fix marriage 6-11-08 I found out about OM
I know you are right about this cycle thing, and my problem has been that he has been on the up for the past 6 months and i cannot budge him.
DBing is not about budging him. That is negotiating. This is about you.
Originally Posted By: Mof3
I felt for the first time yesterday how that would feel. It felt like a little bit of anger mixed with a little bit of i dont care.
Great! Get more "I don't care. In DBing, this is acting "as if". Nice work.
Originally Posted By: Mof3
H takes no responsibility for any action he has done in the past 3-4 years. It is my fault even that he smokes ! That used to concern me. I know it should not and it adds to my guilt regarding my A. But I know I have forgiven myself for that.
h is projecting his anger on you. It can't be his fault because he smokes. Sounds like he has depression or anxiety issues. Can't own up to anything. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT! No guilt sister. Let his problems be his problems. Don't forgive yourself for something that isn't your fault.
Originally Posted By: Mof3
I sloowly have made excuses to call. Even being nice and not strong is a cheesless tunnel. I have always been the strong one. something he admired to a point.
There ya go. Make that a goal. Be strong but don't overpower him. It takes balance. keep that in mind.
Stop finding reasons to call him. The pendulum will swing where he calls you.
Quote:
My Plan- I will contact only when necessary. We have businesses and children. I am capable of dealing with most stuff. Kids are old enough to communicate direct with H. He can reap his own damage there. i wont fix anything for him or smooth his path. I will get through xmas and holiday absolutely fine. i wil be at holiday home with all of the kids together for the first time in several years. We may not be able to drive the boat but that is the only thing different for us.
^ Now that is a plan. Now work it!!!!
Quote:
What is working - Nothing I am doing at all, except doing more and more things for me and laughing with customers, avoiding triggers , reading this site makes me feel better.
Baby steps. Put yourself in this mindset.... He's not going to budge. Chew on that and you'll see the POV.
Quote:
What i have not done is 180s. i am not sure if i have the balls yet to do any.
For a chick, you've got some set of balls.. LOL. Rodney Dangerfield.
The more I dont contact H ( coming up 36 hours ) the more ridiculus it seems that he does not call me. There is soooo much stuff he is handling in the business,, his operations, kids etc he must need my help. So what I am saying is, that his silence is a sure sign of his child like behaviour.
He thinks he has me over a barrell and he did for quite a long time.
Lucky for me , I dont have self esteem issues. i know i can turn heads and I know I am smart and i am self employed. He would NEVER EVER of had a business without me and nor will it survive without me. He may do the physical work , but i do the investing, technology , thinking and finacial.
I was just reading Db book and it was about doing the same behavior. I am a little confused with my sitch.
H has stopped communicating. He never rings, calls etc at all. i have been making all the contact ( except for past few days ). When I did talk to him it was generally wimpy and weak.
How will he know I am stronger and changed if he does not see or talk to me ? Should I call every now and then just to see how things are going ?
BUT I did ring him but this time it great. I was upbeat. I could hear him relax and he shared info and enquired after me.
I dont care what he thought about me calling, it made me feel good. It made me feel more in charge because I felt I was being genuine and not game playing.
H is having am operation on monday and although i did not offer help I did wish him well.
I have no reason to contact now until we pick our daughter up from airport on Wednesday. She is on holiday with H sister in the pacific islands.
I believe I Db by talking from a place that now feels for a large part - that he is gone. I know my tone has changed and I was talking as I would of years ago. Just felt good.
Just don't pursue in any way (zero). Aim for detached friendship, be upbeat and pleasant... the type of person he would enjoy talking with and actually want to talk to.
Expect absolutely NOTHING from him. If his relationship is going great with OW and she's fufilling his needs there's very little you can do but just try to have a great life.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
