Sorry cut off on that, getting emotional. I believe Church is helping me, it is giving me hope, faith and strength. I am doing what He wants me to do and I now understand more of what He is asking. "LEad us not into temptation". He is giving me this phrase to repeat and I know why. I am without this physical compansionship, emotional companionship because it is His will that it be this way. I understand now. If I give into this temptation, then my path is skewed, I am no longer taking the righteous path He wants me on, I am taking the easy way out and resolving nothing. I had wondered all this time whjy I am constantly reciting this prayer, it is for those words primarily, the others as well, but those. When I asked my deceased grandmother, why I am alone, why am I in pain, I have done nothing wrong, I have done nothing to deserve this...There was no answer, then the phrase came to me I understadn now...I must be who I am right now, because this is who He wants me to be. To change, to "Give up" as you say, is no longer in me. Without the drinking or anything else to break me, I can endure. By the way, the knotted Irish cross is a synmbol of infinity, eternity. The cross and saying are Eternal Strength. Got goose bumps again. I am not a religious person, nor do I pretend to be. But I cannot deny what has happened to me since going to church. I now wonder where I'd be if I had started church hand in hand with my other changes. Yes, I feel despair, but with that comes more hope, my strength pushes me past it and I feel better. The DR says I will not forget, bvut I need to learn how to forgive. I believe this is my current lesson, the thoughts, and my inner battle of being strong enough to get through it and forgive. Yeah, I think so, slowly, but yeah, I think so.
You never told me how eveything was with you and your H while you are away, I do read between lines very well however. I take it he was dark and evasive to you? I know she sees me as hard to her, and she knows me, she knows hard from me is difficult to overcome, if ever. She has seen it and is now living it. But I believe, thanks to you and Tgone, that my holiday with her, that Sunday night and the brake thing have allowed me to shine brilliantly. she has seen compassion in me. I have been cold to her, but she has seen the caring, you'd have to be blind to not see that just in her brake situation last week.
I will soften somewhat if you think it is wise to do so. I feel in my heart that maybe I do. Maybe I need not seem so angry...
Anyway, your past posts to me have really scared me as they are dead on with my feelings and we are several hundred miles apart. You are obviusly a good religious person with great insight. It does scare me when people start telling me about Him and what and how He works. But what really scares me is when I get these feelings of enormous despair, enogh for me to make the call pay the $500 and divorce this situation completely, at the end of the day, laying in bed, organizing my brain and thinking of Him and what the day has brought, I can sleep, soundly. Again no dreams that I remember, so they are not significant, which means my mind is at rest. Its been a while. He is truly with me, more when I despair, I believe He is the cross I now wear and not the one I bear. Yeah, I'm doing it right, thoughts are a pain, but I feel good. You have no idea how much better I feel right now typing this to you.
God truly doe love me, and H truly is with me, of that I have no doubt. What I will learn is forgiveness and compassion. It is hard, and I may have to close my mind to it so that I can. I don't do those types of things, but I have to...
