Detach>Worse>Weird>Better ???

[Maya44]

Hey Sophie,

I think a SA is more for financial stability for you. I could be wrong though since I haven't looked in to any of that yet.

As for MIL, I'm sure it's an akward sitch for everyone. I personally would be thankful (for lack of a better word) if my IL's kept in contact with me. We've (me and D) haven't pretty much fallen off the face of the earth for them....except when rent is due.

[Sophie]

Today...Thursday..

Spoke with MIL concerning her xmas trip. I wanted her to give her son the option of going instead of me. She had no clue what has transpired...She was floored that her son served me papers!!

FIL said H mentioned he might file...FIL told H 'well...that's your decision'. FIL threw at me, phrase I said a couple times when I was frustrated...'you said if he isn't going to move back, just get the divorce!'

I said, yep...I've felt that way a number of times during the last 3 years.

MIL and FIL have not supported H's Lawyer-D at all financially nor do they agree w/what H is doing. They aren't going to disown him or anything...they just shake their heads and then...like Snodderly says...'stick their heads in the sand'.

MIL and I know H has to deal with this himself...we cannot do anything. They won't talk about this to H. They never talk about serious stuff....unless, H brings it up.

I'm surprised though, I really though H talked to his mom about signing D papers. He signed them on her birthday, and spoke w/her that day.

Another note,

My L left a message saying he wouldn't do anything further unless he heard from me. I don't know what that means. I don't want him to do anything to move a divorce along, but he should contact me if H's L contacts him, right?...so, I asked his repceptionist to only let me know if/when we hear anything from the 'other side'. No news...is okay.

I told her 'nothing personel, but I don't ever want to hear from you guys again'. We laughed.

[Sophie]

Now...I'm feeling like I blew it by telling inlaws that H file/served D papers.

I honestly thought they knew.

I don't want to talk about it with them...and apparently H doesn't either.

I guess H knows they disapprove.

I wish I kept on pretending...being the emotional robot.

[job]

Sophie,
It's a nice gesture on the part of your mil about the play, however, if you don't want to go, then don't. She should have invited her son and daughter as well.

Being a robot isn't the way to go. You have to be yourself, make yourself happy. You can only do that for yourself. No one says you have to make others happy. It's okay to have down days, cry, vent etc. You are only human and no one should expect you t be perfect and happy all of the time.

As for the inlaws, well....you now know how they are. You shouldn't discuss anything more w/them regarding the divorce. This situation is between you and your h and to be perfectly honest with you, they shouldn't be discussing the situation w/their son either. The more people try to engage him in conversations about it, the more he's going to push for it.

Just be yourself, learn to love yourself and search within for patience and faith.

[Sophie]

search within for patience and faith.

I read here somewhere....and it is becoming my 'mantra' that..


God has Perfect Timing.


I got upset yesterday that my L, and MIL, did things, made plans beyond my control.

I am afraid of my H's anger; I do not want my L, or his parents, pushing for anything.

My H makes horrible decisions when he is angry!!!

And right now...I hope his parents KEEP their heads in the sand and their mouths shut...as usual. I mean, I hope they don't change now!! HA! They haven't tried to 'fix' anything yet...and there is NO WAY they can fix this situation.

I like that FIL told H 'It's YOUR decision'....

[Sophie]

Today I feel like 'ducking and covering' for the next attack.

Simply....I feel attacked by H and the law.

Everyone tells me to 'let go of it'.

I know this is.

It seems though, that whenever I let go, get a peace with 'stuff'...I get a surprise attack from out of no where.

So...I'm very skiddish.


I also find that I like H more when I am around him. Even following the D papers, the time he has spent with us, around me, has been comfortable.

But, there aren't enough good memories to sustain me.

Bummer.

[Sophie]

Well...a new day.

Today I have to be around H at s10's soccer game.

I have not heard a single word since our great family weekend for s14's bday.

If it weren't for soccer games, we wouldn't see/hear from H at all.

And to think his D papers wanted full custody!! He can't HANDLE full custody!!

Anyway...the butterflies usually go away about 5 minutes after I'm around H. And it's only for an hour or so.

We'll see what happens.

[Sophie]

I swear...if anyone was around H and I, you'd think we were a great pair.

I always get nervous before s10 soccer games because I usually don't hear a thing from H from Saturday to Saturday. And since the D papers were sent, I find myself on guard in anticipation of the next 'attack'.

Anyway, H was already at the soccer field when s10,d8 and I arrived. (s14 rarely goes...he doesn't want to 'hang out' with his dad)

H came right over to us. He had been at work and had to tell me how crazy his work has been. He had worked a 50 hour week, and had to finish a job to be delivered Monday am...so, he was working through the weekend. I always believe him when he tells me this...this has been his life for the last 3 years. The more hours, the more pay...and H said he can't take a single day off because he doesn't have any money.

so...guess he doesn't have any money to pursue his D!!

The game went fine...H was nice...asked me if I wanted any snacks...and afterward, walked us to the car. I don't hang around to talk to him though...I just get in the car and smile goodbye when he is done talking to kids.

I always feel more content and calm after being around H. Now, today....I don't.

I find myself imagining that he was reading in his truck when we pulled up. He was doing something...waiting for us...on the phone, reading, ??? But, I imagine him reading settlement papers or...working on them?? I just don't know how it works. I don't know if all is done in a L's office or if they give you forms to fill out stating what you want....?

I cannot figure how he can be planning, if he is planning, further action on a D....and be so normal and comfortable around me.

[job]

Sophie,
Please stop trying to analyze every move your h is making. If he's in mlc, he's on an emotional rollercoaster, therefore, he can't explain why he's doing what he is doing either.

Yes, they can appear just as nice as can be and flip to being nuts all in the same time period. Right now, I suspect he's being nice because he wants the settlement to go well and is hoping that you will not rock his boat. Once, you start negotiating and he sees that you are sticking to your guns, the Mr. Nasty may appear.

He's using work to keep from thinking about what he is doing. He is self medicating in a way. Some have the ow, gamble, drugs, drinking, etc. Your h is using work to help him keep his mind off of what he's doing to his family. He's actually suffering from depression and the masks he wears in front of you and others takes a lot of work. I bet when he's back at his place he's on a downer and stares at the walls or sits for hours.

The cry of he doesn't have any money is a come one w/the mlcers. He wants pity and he wants you to feel guilty for him having to pay you anything. Don't buy into it. The man does have money and he could very well be squireling it away or using it for his own comforts. Do not feel sorry for him....he created this mess, therefore he needs to clean it up.

The lawyers generally work up the settlement papers, after you tell them what you want. You generally get a draft copy, just as you would. Once the drafts are reviewed and the negotiations are complete and both parties are in agreement, they are then requested to sign and date them. At least that's how it's done in my state.

My advice, go on w/your life, enjoy the time w/your children and plan to stay busy over the holidays. It's a time to make new memories and to leave the old hurts and pains outside the door. I know that you are having a difficult time detaching, but you've got to find a way not to give him a lot of your head space right now, for he's just all over the place. There is no rhyme or reason for what he's doing and while he's being a bit irrational, you can't rationalize anything he's doing. Keep the focus on you and your children.

[Silver Fox]

Hi Sophie,

Haven't been posting much but have been reading & trying to keep up.

Something that took me awhile to realize too - a D doesn't just happen at the snap of the judge's fingers. It takes time and lots of paperwork.

You sent your response - you've had your say now, so let it go. If your H is fumbling around trying to work on any forms his L may have given him, that's his problem. Yes, he will have to eventually show you or ask you to help him with the forms - BUT - to any statement he makes, you can say "Um, I don't think so" and it's back to the drawing board.

Your H is not comfortable around you. He's ACTING, ACTING, ACTING.

Reality and the truth are on your side. Stay strong!