Breakaway - Your the best! There are only a few people I look for on this board and one of them is you! Your H is a dope. Sorry, I digress..
What a great discussion!!!
I agree with the motivivation. Neil has 3 things going on here as fuel (or motivation). Working on himself, his R with his W (in an indirect way) and the A. Now, there isn't much he can do about the A other than being the better man. This means he must work on himself. This has to be Neil's primary concern. If he's running around wiping her aZZ, how is that working on him? He knows how to wipe azzes so he should be doing something else. Him waiting around for her isn't helping the R either.
This leaves Neil with ONE option, himself.
Yes, I exagerated the aZZ wiping... slightly... lol.
what it is, is that i've been working on myself, and at the same time do my best to help and be there for her. I don't bail her out of jams....unless she asks for help. Do i sometimes offer help? yes, of course i do. But because i offer so often, she perhaps is beginning to think that i will be there to, as AinO puts it, wipe her Azz when this all works out.
Basically, i'm just going to not go out of my way to offer to help her. which is something that i've done since i left. If this is truly what she wants, then that's what's gonna happen. She CHOSE this for us, not me. if she emails me, and I DON'T THINK it warrants a response, i won't respond. If i THINK it does, then, of course, I will. I'm not deliberately ignoring her.
Since I left, I always, always, ALWAYS jumped at the chance to help her, hoping, beyond hope, that if I help her enough, she'll eventually realize that I am not all that bad, and I have changed. That proved to be a cheeseless tunnel for me.
I've finally taken an objective look at my sitch....every time...EVERY TIME....something happens where i begin to pull away and move forward (or she thinks I am), she pulls me back in by asking me to do things for her...sending me pix messages of hte kids...being overly friendly.....then she pulls away again when she knows i'm not going anywhere. SHe's gotten upset whenever i've mentioned me buying a house on my own. Anytime i show that i'm moving forward with my life, she tries to reel me back in.
if it came across like i'm manipulating her, that's not what my goal is here. She knew..without a doubt...that if things didn't work out with the troll, she could come back to me. and i would take her back. Look, she's lost all of her friends because of this. Now, if I start to drift away, then......
and i can honestly say......I don't know if I want her back. Part of me does.....and part of me doesn't. I'm doing htis for me. I'm sad my W is choosing not to be part of this process, don't get me wrong. I'm choosing to take control of my life...once and for all. If she wants to join and become part of it again......i'd do my best to make her the happiest woman in the world. if she chooses not to, so be it.......
ME:32 WAW:31 D #1: 3.5 D #2: 2 Together: 13 M:6 Bomb Dropped: 2/15/08 Sep legally: 6/18/08
"Tommorrow there'll be sunshine, and all this darkness past..." -Bruce Springsteen Land of Hope and Dreams
Basically, i'm just going to not go out of my way to offer to help her. which is something that i've done since i left. If this is truly what she wants, then that's what's gonna happen. She CHOSE this for us, not me. if she emails me, and I DON'T THINK it warrants a response, i won't respond. If i THINK it does, then, of course, I will. I'm not deliberately ignoring her.
Since I left, I always, always, ALWAYS jumped at the chance to help her, hoping, beyond hope, that if I help her enough, she'll eventually realize that I am not all that bad, and I have changed. That proved to be a cheeseless tunnel for me.
I've finally taken an objective look at my sitch....every time...EVERY TIME....something happens where i begin to pull away and move forward (or she thinks I am), she pulls me back in by asking me to do things for her...sending me pix messages of hte kids...being overly friendly.....then she pulls away again when she knows i'm not going anywhere. SHe's gotten upset whenever i've mentioned me buying a house on my own. Anytime i show that i'm moving forward with my life, she tries to reel me back in.
Lessons learned my friend. At to me, this is the very core of DBing. Find yourself and what works.
