HELP! I have never been more lost!

[Trippingbilly]

So, starting this April till now. This is like the 4th time, my wife after 7 years has said that she does not feel a connection with me, doesn't feel like she is in love with me, (but she still loves me of course) and is not attracted to me sexually. We have two kids, 6yr old little girl and a 5 yr old little boy.

To give you my story. At the beginning, my wife was totally in love with me, she was 18, and I was about 23. We dated for a while, she moved in with me and everything was going great. We split and she moved out for about a month. Then we got back together. I asked her during this time, did she sleep with anyone else, she replied no. Well a few months went by and she ended up pregnant. I re-asked the same question, she replied with the same answer, and she had no doubt the baby was mine and we could have the test to prove it. So that was the deal.

She delivered in April, and there was something wrong cause the baby had none of my features. She still stuck to it was my kid...on up to the moment that I had the DNA test people on the phone, she came up and admitted that she slept with her old boyfriend during the break up. So we had the test, and it ended up being his. I was destroyed, for I had too just lost my father. So I asked her to leave, so her and the little girl moved out. I could not deny tha fact that I loved her, and wanted that kid to be mine more than anything, I mean it was practically mine, I was there for everything but the sex. LOL! So anyway, it gets more complicated. In August during her pregnancy, the biological father got in a car wreck and died. He never knew anything about the kid. well I am faced with a delima now. I loved her and I really had developed a love for the baby girl. So I had to make a decision, she had nothing for herself. So after allot of mind torturing, I decided to be the babies father and forgive my girlfriend (at the time) for her lie.

So we get married, and then we have a little boy. This one eneded up being mine. LOL! Fast forward about two or three years. She had started a new job and everything (I thought was going well) We had bought a house and was living well. I had been working on my car every evening after work until bedtime. She had said something to me about it a couple of times, but no serious talking. My wife does not communicate very well. So anyway, I had to go to the next town over for my buddys family member had passed away. She was sick, so half way down I decided to go back and take care of her and be with the kids so she could get some rest. As I turned into my road, I saw her on her mom's car leaving, so I figured she may be going to the immediate care, so I followed her. Meanwhile, she drover further and further away from town. then she stopped at a store and sat in her car, this was not looking good, I had the butterflies, my stomach was twisting in knots. Sure enough, you guessed it, a guy pulls up, they talk for a second and then she follows him out from the store.

So I followed them to a house where they met at and then went inside. I went to a friends house and fell to pieces. Upon arriving home she acted as if everything was normal, then I let her know that I knew where she had been and that I had followed her. She denied that it was anyone, for a while iuntil I badgered her, until she admitted it was a guy from work. She said that he made her feel like I used to. So she said they messed around and kissed and ect but she didn't sleep with him. Then a year later she finally admitted to sleeping with him. This sort of brought back the whole bad feeling. Now for the next few years.

I was jealous of course like anyone would be. I questioned her, I checked up on her, checked her computer history ect. Now over the next three years, this slowly progressed into an obsession for me. It got worse and worse. Funny thing is, and I did some pretty damn extensive "PI" work, I never caught her in a lie or anything funny. But I could not stop my obsession, a mater of fact it kept getting worse. It took over my life nearly. Now this started to become a problem, I would not let her go out with her friends, if she did, it wasn't anything big and she got a million questions when she got home. I put software on our laptop because she had gotten OBESESSED with "Myspace" and started staying on the computer from the time we got home till bedtime. I got her a phone to be nice, but then I ended up checking the bill everyday and if it was a number I didn’t recognize, I’d call it. This often ended up at times causing issues cause her friends would tell her that I called.

This got worse and worse over the years until now. She had had a few conversations with me how this jealousy thing was getting bad and that it was pushing her away and ect ect. And that she wanted to be able to go out with her friends and stuff like that. But never to the point to where she said that she was literally unhappy with the marriage or me and that she was thinking about leaving. Finally in April of this year (2008) she said that she was unhappy and that she had lost all feelings for me and that she didn’t think she was in love with me anymore. So I was devastated at the thought of losing her and the family. I cried and begged and pleaded and fell all to pieces. I stopped eating, couldn’t go to work ect. She was sooooooooo cold hearted and unaffected it seemed by this. When I would cry she would tell me how pathetic and weak I was, and how I needed to get a hold of myself and that her seeing me beg and cry ect was so unattractive and made her want to leave worse. She said that she had grew to hate me for trying to act as if I was her father and keeping her locked down and not being able to go anywhere or do things while she watched her married friends do so. Also that I had changed, I was not social anymore and that I stayed at home and we never went anywhere anymore. Which was true, I had become that person, sort of alienated from everyone and friends. But we had both talked and that was our point of view on things. She used to think family was most important because she grew up with out one. So she always said that keeping us together was the most important thing.

She admitted that she still loved me as a father and I was her best friend, but it wasn’t there romantically. She said that she didn’t want to break up the family and she didn’t know what her life was going to be without me and she was scared to death to think about it. During this time being apart, we stayed in the same house, and it was tough, she had made it clear that she didn’t have a problem staying there together but we WERE NOT “together.” We slept in the same bed and tried not to fuss. We did sit the kids down, I was about to fall apart telling them, and she told them just like we were having a regular conversation about cookies or something, not a tear in her eye. She told them that mommy and daddy were going to be living in separate houses and that they would stay with daddy sometimes and mommy sometimes. That they would have two houses and that we were always going to be mommy and daddy. They fell to pieces crying and asking why, she just said that sometimes in life this is how it turned out, and that she loved daddy but not in the husband and wife kind of way.

Also during this, she came out and told me she was going to be truthful with me as she promised herself she would be. She had dated the same guy from like age 14 till we met. When we met, she left him and never really spoke to him again. She said that a while back she started having dreams about him. Not sexual or anything, but she would wake up sad and she didn’t know why. She said that he was her best friend for a long time and even she missed him and she didn’t know why. BTW, this guy is like the biggest loser in the planet. A drunk, can’t hold a job, used to physically abuse her, abused the girl he was with now and had recently had a child that he really didn’t pay much attention to. Then she went to see his family one day and she said that she thought that they would make the feeling of missing him go away. But she said that it made it worse. She was there to see his mom and sister, but while she was there, him and his current girlfriend came in. She said they basically just said hey. So anyway, she told me that she didn’t know what was going on, she knew he was sorry but she thought she was still in love with him. I asked if that’s what she wanted? A life with him? She said no, but she didn’t know how to deal with these feelings. She SWORE it was not because of someone else and that there was no guy that she had met or anything like that. And again, I did some “PI” work and could not find anything. They would talk all the time at work, but she would never talk to him at home. This bothered me bad. She said that she did not tell him she loved him or discussed “us” with him. Later I had spoken with his girlfriend and she was telling me that The guy had told his friend that he was leaving her and that he was in love with someone else and he knew that that person loved him too. Also he had told his girlfriend that Kris had told him how in sane psycho jealous I was and ect. When I approached her with this, she denied it until I basically had her to the point where she couldn’t get out of it.

This was tough on the kids and me. She still seemed unbothered. During this time, she found about 4 places to move to. The last place she was going to meet the guy to give him the deposit and she had borrowed money from her 401 K to move out. The day before, she was to pay the deposit, she came to me and said she was scared and not sure this is what she wanted to do. There was a beach music festival the next town over and she asked me what I thought about (since she has never stayed away from me over night), her going with her friends to the beach music festival and just get away for the weekend. So I figured that things were going to go the way they were going or worse, so I agreed. This was tough as hell for me. Well I had told her to go and don’t call, I had the kids and if there was a problem, I would call her. So she left that Friday without telling me goodbye. But she ended up calling me right much that Saturday. She got drunk and what not and went to the festival and stayed with her girlfriend and her girlfriend’s boyfriend. So I went out Saturday night and spoke with her before hand. So I am sitting at the club and she text me on my phone and says, She loved me. I was like WTF? Then my phone rings and it’s her saying that she had thought about coming back home that night instead of the next morning. Then in a few minutes I get another call and it’s her asking directions how to get home. When I got home that night, we talked and before she went to sleep she leaned over and gave me a real kiss, which hasn’t happened in a while at that time.

Every thing was going good, she said that she had realized that the thing with her old BF was just her missing him as a person and that she knew for a fact that she WAS NOT in love with him. So I even agreed to her talking to him ever so often to touch base with him and see how he was doing. Cause this was a companion of hers for a long time, then she meets me and she breaks all communication with him for 7 years or so. Well this became a problem as they still talked at work when they talked and they were still talking two or three times a week. If I asked if they talked, she would tell me, even if it was allot that week. So, I am assuming that she was telling me when they talked. So we fussed about this until she finally got mad and said she would handle it. But now since she had been talking to him , he and his girlfriend had broken up and she said she felt like a bitch for coming back into his life and them breaking up and then for her to say she couldn’t talk to him anymore. I told her that if he was her friend that she should have been able to say, “Hey this is causing a problem in my marriage and my family is what is important to me, but I have to respect that and I hope you understand.” Well she thought that was wrong, but somehow she said she told him that they could talk all the time.

So I fixed my part, I started taking her places and we started going out, I let her go places with her friends and I stopped ALL the jealousy problems. I stopped checking behind her ect. And it felt good, so I fixed my part, even started going to a therapist, she wouldn’t go, but I did. I was happier and she said that things were great.

Later that summer, she started back, she was talking down to me again, insulted everything I did. Nit picked at everything I did. And just talked DOWN to me like a little 12 year old punk, which is basically what I have become. And it’s embarrassing. So anyway after a while, the whole not being in love with me not able to get those feelings thing came back and it all repeated again. To be honest, I can’t remember what happened but we patched it back up again. Then she started being a bitch again, so this time, I packed up my stuff and I moved in with a friend. During this, it started out as do what you want, I think it’s stupid but you do what you got to do thing. So I stayed gone. Then she started getting in touch with me and telling me I needed to be there for my kids and that they missed me ect. I told her that I was aware of what my kids needed. And I didn’t want to hear her ask med to come back home because of the kids. I wanted her to want me to come back home. I basically stayed away from her and gave her space. Then the calls increased, the more I withdrew, the more she advanced. If she tried to kiss me, I would not kiss her back, or hugging her or anything. Finally she told me that she missed me and that she LOVED the way she felt right now. She loved that she was jealous of the girl at my work, and she loved “wanting” to kiss me and love on me. And she wanted me back home. For about a week I stayed at my friends and we talked about things. I said are you sure that you want me back home and that you want to work on our marriage and things. She said that she had never been more sure. She loved me and wanted to get back together, so after about a week, I moved back home. Everything went good until early this month.

I could tell something was wrong for she had been staying on the computer, going to the bedroom to watch TV, not talking that much to me, basically, as much as she could without being called out, was trying to avoid me as much as she could. So I went in the bedroom where she was and said “What’s wrong?” She said nothing a few times as I persisted, then she said, “I don’t like hurting you.” So I asked what was going on, she stated that she just wasn’t happy. As she told me, this time, the “excuse” seem to be more towards the bedroom, which I wasn’t aware that there were EVER any problems in the bedroom. But she said that the romantic side of things was just not there anymore and no matter how hard she tried, they just wouldn’t come back. She still stated that the whole jealousy thing and me following her and checking up on her had ruined her. She said that she can’t lose that feeling that she is being followed or someone is watching her or every time she is on the computer, she can’t say what she really wants to say to her friend because she feels like somehow I am reading it or am going to be reading it. Then she says that starts to feel that hatred coming up inside her. So we talked a little and as usual you can’t talk to her, she is VERY defensive and short about things. She just said that it was over, she didn’t want me, She didn’t want to be married to me anymore ect. When I tried talking about how much this would affect the kids, she stated, “It will be exactly how we make it. If we make it all sad, then it will be sad, if we make it good and make it seem normal, then they are not going to be affected by it one bit.”

So I got all of my things and moved back in with my friend Dustin, (thankful for him, don’t know what I’d do without him) she didn’t seem to mind, but also, she didn’t ask me to leave either. She said that I could stay there, and we could be friends and parents but understand very clearly that we were not together and that she didn’t want to be all kissing and hugging and all lovey dovey because she wasn’t feeling it. She said that we could stay there and get through Christmas and then reassess things then to see how she was feeling, but she said that she keeps hearing from her friends (her cheerleaders squad) that once you lose those feelings, you never get them back. Of course this is what her friend is telling her.

Real quick, she’s got this friend Tina, that was married for 10 years to a guy in the military, and he was gone all the time. So she left him. They have two kids, and she and he are still good friends, but he still wants the marriage to work. So they get along and every thing, but she doesn’t want to stay married he does. Ever since my wife met Tina, shortly after is when we started having issues. My wife LOVES this girl, And it’s kind of like she idolizes her. She speaks allot about how she wants things and how she feels and it’s verbatim to how Tina says she feels about things and how her relationship is with her X husband, them being best friends and able to hang out and everything, but I want the marriage to work and not really sure she does.

So as things stand now, I have read Michelle’s book, and I have been implementing her techniques, I have such a hard time doing these techniques. Not asking questions and checking on her. And everything. But I must say, that it seems to be giving me small results, but at the same time, I am scared to death of that what I’m seeing is me getting the wrong impression. I see her making the call to me, and texting me and we have been hanging out lately at our house together and have even stayed there the past two nights. But we have been getting along what I would call great, laughing, and just enjoying each others company. But like I said, I am also scared that what I’m seeing is her being nice and things may be going how “she” wants them too, and at the end of December, she;s going to say “Well we have been getting along great as friends but there’s still no romantic feeling there!” We have also been texting on our phones and have even talked and flirted a little bit and had fun! Now…the problem that makes me want to jump from a bridge and just end it all.

This coming Thursday, she is going out with this Tina girl to a Christmas party. I don’t know what kind of Christmas party it is or whose it is. She said she does not know either, She says that Tina called and asked and she said yes. So she needed me to stay at the house that night. So I asked was she staying out all night and she said that she and Tina were getting a hotel room so that they could drink and not have to worry about driving back home. This drives me crazy, I can’t eat or sleep, every time I close my eyes, all I think about is her being out all night and getting a hotel room. Is she really going to a Christmas party? Is she really going with Tina? Is she really getting a hotel room and if so, who with REALLY. Or could she be staying with someone else. I asked her has she been with any other guy, kiss or been on a date or anything. She swears up and down that she hasn’t. And then after she left last night, she text me and said that her promise still stands, that she hasn’t been with anyone and she promised that that night, it was nobody else involve except for her and Tina and they were just getting a room so that they could drink ect.

I don’t know what to think or believe. There is also a little rumor going around that she has been talking to her old boyfriend, the one mentioned earlier. I asked her has she talked to him or seen him and she swore that she hasn’t talked to him at ALL. But I am wondering there too.

What do I do? I am trying so hard to follow Michelle’s book, I know they are the right moves and if I am going to make progress, I need to follow them, but it so hard not to ask her more about this Christmas party or ask again and again if she is talking to her old boyfriend again, just to see if nothing more, if I can tell if she is lying when I ask her. I get so depressed sometimes, I can’t think of anything to do, I just want to swallow a handful of pills and sleep forever but I don’t want to do that to my kids, I don’t want to be that weak, but I love this girl so much and I don’t want to throw away our family and all that we have worked for. I would love to hear some opinions or words of encouragement. Sorry that this post got soooo long, but I wanted you all to know every thing that she and I have been through so I could get your full opinion or advice. Thank you for your time!