Tom, I really do think it's wonderful that you accept your responsibilities and are avoiding your own MLC by working on yourself without fleeing. That shows true character and maturity.
One day, your W will realize that and will regret the path she's taken.
You are doing really well, and you will reap the true rewards of her actions because you will be stronger, closer to your family, and closer to God. I'll pop by your thread later to read up and offer support. I've been doing too much taking lately. Thank you for your kind words. They help, and they make me hopeful.
Mamanpc - I totally feel you on the "great guy, great compromise" part. What's so funny is I thought for a long time that he was compromising on me when I now see that he was fighting for me and desperately trying to make me happy despite my actions. Now, he's compromising on someone else because my self-awareness didn't stir any desire to change until now. Makes me cringe....
Journal;
Wanted to come back real quick to write down a few goals and center myself.
Personal:
1. If I'm in this sitch because I wasn't being a mature adult, that means I need to get on the mature adult horse. My goal by the end of the week is to: ---Do all laundry. ---Clean the bathrooms. ---Grocery shop. ---Do a major cleaning - baseboards, floors, etc. ---Go through all of the bills sitting around and file them. ---Make a budget for myself to figure out how things will work alone. ---Make a list of all bills to be changed into my name, their due dates, etc. Have that to discuss when H comes over if needed.
2. Exercise.
3. Work through my scripture exercises more diligently.
4. Get back on the horse at work. I am avoiding doing my job.
5. Write Christmas cards.
6. Finish decorating for Christmas.
7. Bake some Christmas cookies. Maybe give some to H's family? Not sure.
Relationship:
1. H to initiate contact with me that is not centered around something to do with finances/planning.
Nasmat, I just finished your autobiography. (just teasing)
My exact view of things that were going through my mind from your initial post.
I believe you have hit the nail on the head in most all areas.
Your husband is quite a man and yet I would venture to say that he really did begin to feel as if you were the husband. He has a deep need to feel masculine within him again.
I believe you are on the correct path. To bring out his masculine side, he would need your feminine side to come out. I hope you can see that feminine is quite an attraction to a man for him to feel masculine.
It doesn't have to be June Cleaver, which I believe you already have realized. Softness, tenderness,sexy,confident comes to mind.... I also think that a good cry in front of him would do you no harm and would not recommend that you try to hold back at your next meeting if your emotions dictate. (in this case only ladies reading) I am assuming you haven't shown him that part of your femininity. (Just an assumption on my part.)
You have wisdom. The Bible says wisdom is one of the greatest traits to have. I agree with that.
Gucci, thank you so much for the response. It was uplifting, and I really do appreciate it. I've got the wisdom - no I just have to apply the lesson.
The truth is, it's very difficult for me to know how to be feminine. I'm not even sure I know how to portray it. All of the DB principles tell me that I should be acting as if I don't care, but I can't say for sure whether that particular tactic is helping me.
I think I was getting better results when I was being his friend, but I can't say for sure. I feel like the more space I give him, the more withdrawn he becomes. I think he really expects me to be detached. He kept saying that my non-detachment was making it harder on him - and isn't that part of the point? To not make it easy?
I really do need help figuring this out. I can't seem to quite work out how to portray tender and soft while still being detached.
Good Lord, this stuff is difficult.
Sexy, I got. Confident, I got. Tender and soft - that's a tough one.
And I have cried with him. I used to cry with him all the time - but almost never about anything having to do with us. I cried about my parents or my job, but it was pretty rare for me to cry when we argued.
When he told me he wanted a D the first time, I called him sobbing and he came back. We tried for two days, and then he left again. When he left, I cried. I told him how much I would miss him, and he cried with me.
But I have't cried with him since then. Do you still think I should?
He has asked several times if I'm still afraid to be at home alone. He told me he'd help me hang some pictures sometime in the future. He's trying really hard to make sure that I'm ok in terms of finances, etc.
And he still looks at me with love. I can see it. And I can see his sadness.
I'm going to pray about it, and hopefully God will show me the next step.
Nas I think you are still pretty early in your sitch. DB book is like a guidelines and not all techniques will work for you. The other principal of DR is use what works and toss the rest. Now you have to give your techniques times to see the results, good/bad. If you just keep switching techniques every 3 to 4 days, you may never see the true result from it. You are a smart woman and you will figure this out.
Tender and soft, I don't think I can help you with this.....LOL
Trust the BIG MAN and you will be fine.
Keep us posted.
NW626
Me:33 STBXW:38 S:3 It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you fight the fight....!!
Well, I called my husband this morning. I felt uncomfortable vibes from him yesterday, and I prayed many times for guidance in my actions.
After much praying, I felt in my heart that I should call him. And so I did.
I can't say it went poorly. He seemed happy and a little bit surprised to talk to me. He was a little stiff at first, but once he heard that I was laughing and acting normal, he softened up and acted normal as well. We talked about mutual friends, work, and then he asked me how I was doing/if I was ok. I said I still get scared soemtimes, but everything's going well. I asked if he was excited about his place and he said, "I guess so." He asked me if I was sure if he could take the grill (it's a large, really nice grill that I told him he could have - was my parent's). I said of course. He asked if he could come over this weekend to start grabbing some things, and I said sure. I mentioned that I'd gone to our mutual friend's house for this weekly Christian discussion group they have. He seemed genuinely surprised, and asked how it was. I said it was really good, but I didn't elaborate. I asked if he had plans tonight, and he said he was going out with his friend from work. I ended the convo first, and even though he'd used my "full" name when he answered, he used my pet name when he got off the phone.
I don't feel bad about it. I actually feel good. Honestly, I'm giving him space, and I'm not arguing with his decision - but I am building on our foundation which is what my coach suggested.
Just gonna keep plugging along and praying. God will take care of everything. I am certain of that.
Today is day three of my fast. I'm feeling good, and I'm actually on the horse at work today. That feels like a real breakthrough.
I keep telling myself that God is still working in both of us, and that I have to take this thing one step at a time. I feel sadness still, but I also feel lighter.
Hey Nas..glad to see that you are "back on the horse." Getting back to some normalcy and routine helps with getting your emotions in check.
It doesn't sound like your convo was all that bad; you stayed away from R talks and discussed some things that sounded somewhat necessary given the sitch. Keeping it friendly lets him know that you are still "safe" to talk to; so that when his A goes south he's not too intimidated to get back in touch with you.
Congrats on making it to day 3 of your fast. I know that's not easy. I admire your determination. And you're right, God will help take of us.
Thanks so much, Tom! It does feel good to "get back on the horse". I can't say I'm totally in the saddle yet, but my feet are in the stirrups.
The convo really wasn't all that bad. I think I need to focus on "loving detachment" more than going dark. Like you said, I don't want to be too intimidating to contact once he comes around, and I don't want him to think that I'm angry and don't care.
Day three of my fast is actually going quite well. I've felt very peaceful all day, and there has been much beauty to appreciate - the sunlight piercing the clouds, the soothing rain, birds dancing in the sky. I can't complain. I feel that God is with me, and I feel great hope for the future.
I will stay strong. I will not give up. I will trust in God.
I'm trying to emotionally prepare for when he comes this weekend to pack his things. If I feel defeated, I will be allowing defeat, and so I cannot do that.
Anyways, rambling. I hope you're well, and God bless.
Nas.. I can tell you that I have always kept the convo with my W friendly. I want her to still trust me emotionally. But I define my boundaries with her; I don't want to hear or talk about OM. I don't do most of the talking. I let her expound on any other subject.
Guess what I'm trying to say is that if the communication lines are going to stay somewhat open; keep it brief, let him do most of the talking and you validate. If he crosses a boundary in the convo, make sure he's aware. Define your boundaries up front and on the fly as necessary. Be aware of any talk that can be considered pursuit. I would try to let him initiate the convos. And as you already know, end them first.
Rambling is no problem; I think we all do it here.
Ah, I am feeling heartbreak again. It's really, really painful. It feels fresh and raw and all I can do is tell myself that I will bear it. I must bear it.
This three day fast has been interesting. I have been hit with every emotion in the book, and I don't think that's an accident.
I miss him so much. If I try to imagine my life without him forever, I simply cannot do it. He is my north, my south, my east and west - everything that Auden said. I will not accept this. I will not accept a life without him. He is my constant, my friend, and I refuse to let him throw this away.
I will fight for this marriage. I am fighting, and I will not give up.
In any case, all of these feelings of disbelief and mortification came today because I texted him. I know. Everyone's going to tell me to detach. As you all know, it's easier said than done, and I feel like I cannot allow myself to lose faith.
I texted him telling him some gossip about friends. Just funny stuff. ---"Got some gossip. ___ is finally serving ___ with the restraining order. Dad fired ___. Oh, the drama!"
It was about an hour or so before he texted me back. He said: ---"Good about ___ [restraining order]. I hope ___ and ___ don't take it personal."
I responded: ---"Yeah ___ is a nervous wreck. I think ___ and ___ knew it was coming but dad still feels bad."
He responded: ---"Well business is business and I'm sure ___ understands. When do you want to put the car and house in your name? Also the cable. Just wondering when?"
I responded: ---"Just let me know what works for you. I can figure something out, but planning is tough while rushing."
He responded: ---"I know. Take your time. Sorry to rush. Let me know when ready."
I responded: ---"Ok I will. Not dragging my feet - just alot going on."
He responded: ---"It's cool kid."
I responded: ---"Kid? Who you callin' kid?"
He responded: ---"Jokin'. Talk to you later. Don't work too hard."
I responded: "You too. Have a good night."
Damn it, why does every f***ing conversation we have revolve around him rushing along the f***ing D? Seriously, it's so frustrating. Yeah, I get it. He wants a D. I know. But seriously he didn't even bring this stuff up until 11/14. It hasn't even been a f***ing month.
I am SO frustrated. Need to pray.
Need to eat.
Need to remember it's only gonna get worse and steal myself for it. Seriously, at this rate I won't even get a chance to DB because we're in hyper-drive. He is pushing for this D so hard, it's KILLING me.
I seriously feel like he's pushing because he's confused. He's pushing because he feels doubt. He's pushing because he doesn't want to deal with it. He's pushing because he always does this - rush in, make a big decision, and then regret the Hell out of it.
S***, maybe he's just rushing because of the OW. Who knows and who cares.
Thank you for your kind words. They help, and they make me hopeful.