I Challenged Him to Decide...

[istherehope]

Hi Opt,

Any updates for us? I hope everything is still going well!

ITH

[optimistwife]

Wow- what a difference a week makes! I am trying to be very controlled about my thoughts be cause it does seem almost too good to be true. Since my proclamation of feelings last week it seems like there has been a massive turn around.

H has started to say I love you again. Multiple times- and I am starting to say it back... without flinching...

H put on ring this weekend- I haven't seen it in months- he slipped it on briefly a month or two ago for a day while visiting.

He said he'd been looking at houses online in some of the places he is interviewing and they are affordable...

We spent the weekend together- cuddling, ML, made cookies.

This has to be stage 3! So far there has been no talk about what led up to our separation, and how exactly to fix it. But we are finally making plans to be together in the future. He is saying nice things about me, commenting on my looks, saying he is happy he married me. What a change from 6 months ago.

I am going to keep steady because I know that this could backslide, and I need to keep doing what I have been working on, and not slip into old habits.

I need to schedule a session with Jody! I am so glad I signed up for all of them!

[daisy282]

Hey Opt

This is wonderful news!

I'm so happy for you and your hubby. Isn't it amazing how it can all come back together?

My advice to you, as someone who is only a little ways ahead, is to not push the "issues." I got all excited when my hubby recommited and pushed things too hard, too fast. Do not do this as it will "spook the herd"

Certainly there are things that need to be said, and they will be, but try not to force anything. Keep it light and happy as a "reward" for him choosing you and your marriage. The issues will work themselves out over time.

Even now my hubby does not talk about why we separated too much. A little here and there. Do not have the expectation of a massive heart to heart. Maybe down the line look into MC or joint sessions with Jody like you mentioned before. Then you can hash some of it out and make plans to keep things moving in the right direction.

Just never let go of GAL and PMA and you will be happy and mentally healthy!

Best of wishes to you my dear!

[istherehope]

Hi Opt,

I'm still amazed when reading this, and can't believe that these great updates are from the same person who posted last week, so upset she couldn't sleep.

The ring and the ILYs, absolutely amazing! I would kill for either one of those things in my own sitch and I have it pretty good.

The fact that he is saying he's happy he married you is also massive. If you're making plans for the future now, then hopefully you can relax a bit. I am deliriously happy for you. I do think Daisy is right though, in terms of asking too much too soon. Your H might still be a bit skittish if pushed, and will probably need to talk about the issues in his own time. What I can say though, as someone in a situation where things are good even if not as clear as yours, is that it becomes really easy to get resentful and angry when dwelling on things like the reasons for S. It's as if once we get the chance to relax a bit, then we have the space to allow in those feelings we'd done so well keeping at bay, those feelings of disbelief that our loved one would have abandoned us etc. Maybe you won't have the same experience, but I think it's something to watch out for.

Please keep us posted on your progress!

ITH

[optimistwife]

Hello all,

I've been extending myself thin this week. I've been working my 12 hour days, and then after getting home have gone over to spend the night with H. Then back home and to work, then back to visit H. Last night for a change he came here.

Things are good and yes it makes me uncomfortable! H is now saying ILY all the time and is very affectionate. This has allowed me to return this to him, which is new because I've been holding back for so long. There are times where I just look at him and wonder what happened inside of his brain in the past week or so.

H is looking forward to us having a few days off over x-mas, and also to our 2 week vacation/interview trip in Jan. It seems like right now we are in the new dating stage where we are together all the time.

But I still have these hurt feelings inside and worry about it all changing again (or course!). He did say in bed the other night "things aren't perfect, but they are tons better". That is as close as we've come to any discussions of what happened. At this point I don't want to push anything, and I feel that over time more will come out. Maybe there are things I never need to know?

I don't know- I am so happy and really think that we will make it through this! I am scared that there will be a next time... and realize that for all the prep work I've done to get here that the changes have to stay and we need to communicate better.

But, for now I am happy in my heart, knowing that I have a H who loves me...again!

[istherehope]

Hi Opt,

I'm so happy for you :). I had a feeling you weren't posting because of your time with your H...

I know what you mean about the hurt feelings. Maybe you'd want to consider posting on the piecing board soon? While it seems early, I think people there might be able to give you some perspective as to how they have managed to deal with those feelings after starting to get back together.

Like you I struggle with whether it's better to let sleeping dogs lie or to understand what kind of things happened and why. My gut instinct is that it's better to focus on the present moment, and maybe reserve those kinds of conversations for a time very far down the road, when you are sure that you both can handle it. I know some people need answers before being able to move forward though.

Anyway I know it's early days, but it sounds very positive, and those ILYs are really amazing.

Just curious, would you/will you/have you ever brought up MC with him? I realize this might not be the right time, but just wondering about your thoughts on that.
ITH

[Separated]

Opt~ Nice!! I am so happy for you!! Things sound so great...seems that bold email really helped in your situation.

You should not even ponder about what happended, just focus on this positives and those wonderful ILYs.

[optimistwife]

Hi all,

It has been a bit over 2 weeks now since I gave my official pronouncement to my husband that I still love him, respect him and believe in us. I said it because I believe it, but also because I sensed he was on the verge of giving up.

It ended up being the right move!

I can't believe where we are now!

It feels like a honeymoon again. We say I love you all the time,
are free to touch eachother without reservation, share our days, and the little things that used to turn into big things seem to stay little.

We are gradually making plans for our future together, starting with H's interviews in January. Wherever he ends up I will be happy to go along... On our trip we are going to visit the place where we were married. At his suggestion.

He is now doing nice things for me. After wishing all these months (and even last month when I had my stupid root canal) that he would be there for me, he suddenly is! He is getting little surprises for me, and this morning made breakfast for us.

In a few days will be 6 months since he moved out, so I guess it is really true that you can figure about a month for each year you've been together (6 yrs).

Haven't posted in a while- so will take a while to catch up.

[istherehope]

Hi Opt,

I was just wondering about you :). I am so pleased to hear that things are going as well now as they were the last time we heard from you. It really seems like a switch just went off in his head, that he went from alien to loving husband overnight. I've heard of that happening before, though I know it's usually a more gradual thing.

How are you dealing with your own feelings? I know Jody suggested that you concentrate on the positives. Is it easy for you to do this? Do you get insecure or angry at all?

Are you going to move to the piecing board? This is such a great story

ITH

[optimistwife]

Gosh- I don't feel ready for the piecing board yet! I am still pinching myself to make sure it is real!

It did seem overnight. Well, over a few days. The week of T-giving it really was close to the end I think. He moved his final stuff from the house, was very distant, no touching, no real conversations. And then my big talk...

And then the big change! I really think he did need to know I still loved him.

I am doing okay with my own feelings. I am tentatively telling people that things are going well. Usually they can tell just by talking to me

I am not having as much trouble with anger as I thought. Good thinks have a way of erasing bad things! I have also decided it is much easier to live and enjoy the present, and put the past in the past. I am trying hard not to fear the future too.