I read and reread your post. I am hearing that out of all the emotions that you are feeling, and correct me if I am wrong, your first emotion is a profound sadness for the loss of the life that you have enjoyed up till now. All the anger, frustration and depression, I think, stems from this profound sadness. I am no counsellor by any means. But I just want to validate your emotions here and perhaps alleviate your pain a little.
I imagine, because I don't know for sure, that when you become ill and have to face a great loss of your own lifestyle and activities which gave you your identity, you feel that you have lost part of yourself. That part which made you special and different from other people. The part which is the Essential YOU. I am so sorry if you feel this way. I don't know how to console you but just believe that you are you no matter what. That nothing and no one can take your parts away from you. That just because you cannot decorate the church or attend your loved one's special day, I know it's hard. I hope you can take it one step at a time. No one will fault you for keeping your job so that you can keep the insurance. You shouldn't blame yourself for that either. Just because you're not helping your church now after 50 years service DOES NOT mean that God is not in your heart or that you are selfish in any way. Please don't think that way. We all have times of need. You have a need right now. I hope your church and your job can be there to support you through all of this.
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
