Stage 2.25

[istherehope]

OK journaling...

Nothing much going on at the moment. I am feeling pretty sick, developed a bad sore throat over the last few days, so will be staying home from work today.

Last night H and I bought some portable heaters for the house. It is freezing here, and we're both pretty frustrated that the boiler is broken for a second time...

H has his final test and class tonight before the winter break, and I know he is going to go out really late. It does bother me a bit, but he only does it once every 3 months or so, so I am going to bite my tongue and wish him a good time out tonight. This is where I used to freak out, call him and text him all the time etc. if he was not home by 12 or so. In fact one of the worst arguments we'd been in, one that even at the time I thought could have set him over edge, was the last time when he did that and a few months before the bomb. I literally screamed at him for being so insensitive, and said these horrible things about how I was last on his priority list and all he cared about in life was getting promoted and his job. So, tonight I will just deal with it. I'll ask him this morning if he's planning to stay out late tonight, then tell him something about how he deserves to blow off some steam, and that I won't wait up for him. This will be a pretty big 180 for me.

Also I just found out H is going on 2 business trips over the next 2 weeks. Old me would have been really unhappy. New me is still a little unhappy, but trying to see the positives. He's going to Poland for 2-3 nights next week, then Portugal for 3 nights over the following week, returning on Xmas Eve. So I don't like the fact that he gets back on Xmas Eve, but we don't have any plans anyway, so I can just use this opportunity to have the house all nice and cozy for when he does get home. In response to his traveling, I've just said that I was sorry he had to do so much traveling as I know how exhausting it can be.

So, I'm really just looking forward to the 4 day weekend here for Xmas, and not doing much of anything. It may be weird though as nothing is open here, and we will be cooped up in the house together. This is nice in cases where there are not these issues, but I want to be sure that H still has his space. I'll just play it by ear I guess. H's time away on the business trips will hopefully, fingers crossed, help him to miss me a bit. Then we have the New Years trip coming up too...I just found out that H and I will get our own apartment because the bigger house that ex's GF's family owns is going to be full of relatives. So they also have a small apartment within walking distance of the town, and we'll get to stay there on our own. So it's still a holiday with the ex, but in a separate house, and maybe takes the edge off of the strangeness, giving us some time together to explore on our own...

I read my posts and about my life and I do feel incredibly blessed, but I also realize that everything we have, the good jobs, the ability to travel etc. seems insignificant in comparison to having a healthy marriage. So that has been a lesson learned for me. I was so caught up in the excitement of travel, of going out to good restaurants etc. that I was just sort of walking through the marriage and dragging H along without paying attention to the signs. This isn't a self-loathing statement, but after all I can't spend my time looking at what H needs to work on but only what I need to work on. This is perhaps why I am overcompensating in the same way that H had overcompensated for feeling controlled and smothered by completely detaching from me. He is slowly returning, but I need to remember that he hasn't had to look at himself in the context of the R in the same way that all of us on the boards have. Maybe that process will take him several months, or maybe I will need to always lead by changing my own behavior and the effects will gradually continue. Maybe there will never be an aha moment, but just tiny realizations over time. I don't know.

Anyway my point with all of that is that I am content now with the way that things are progressing, and I am happy for the chance to be a better person within this R, and hopefully it will be enough to pull us through. I know there will be joint work to be done later, but I have every confidence in H that he will be there to pull his own weight.

ITH