I remember the original posting of that excerpt you shared above here. I don't think there is anything sad about you in this--you really gave it everything you had, I think that's what is shows.
I'm sorry to hear that BMF (? former BMF?) went about things the way he did. In fact, I feel pretty ticked off that he would put you in that kind of a position. It sounds quite insane that he would go there with you, and I think it is very selfish on his part. He knows you are vulnerable (not nec with him but in general) and he is only thinking of his own needs here. The fact that this gets covered up in nice guy wrapping paper doesn't make these boundary issues any less salient.
There are all these ropes around to pick up and drop and let go and loosen! What to do! Look, the posters here are right on in terms of identifying that this stuff is really so much about BF--you're the one who really put such effort into the DBng and have been there for him so far and above what most people would do. You've been there because of your love for him. But he's got a lot of stuff going on, and right now I think until that gets cleared up a bit for him, a little space might be an okay--even helpful--thing.
I hear in your words the mixed feelings towards him, and that you still love him and miss him very much. I know. It is really a hard thing to go through this grieving and connecting and disconnecting. Please don't be too hard on yourself, Ali. I feel really proud of you for the kind of courage and perseverance and heart that you've had fighting and pushing through all of this really difficult and heart breaking stuff in the last year.
