Today I am in a down state. I sometimes feel like I cannot endure this progress. For the first time in my life, I am truly learning to love another person, knowing that I might very well never receive that love back. I am really falling in love again with my wife and it hurts to know that that feeling may never be mutual. And knowing all of that, I have chosen to give my all to do what I can to see my wife be happy and experience true love - even if that means if her happiness excludes me. And in the midst of this process,I find myself sometimes running on an empty tank. I wish I know how this whole thing was going to end, just so I could have closure. I hate being in limbo and yet I remain there because I really do want my wife to be happy, I really do want us to be a family. In the end, I know that I cannot change my wife, but whatever happens, I hope that God gives her the love and happiness I failed to give - with or without me.
Right now I wish I could just escape - that I could go cold turkey without seeing my wife. We have been making what appears to be progress so far. I noticed that she is more upbeat around me, calling me more frequently, and confiding in me more. She is also being more playful too. I feel like we are in the uncertainty stage of dating - where neither of us know where this relationship is going and I am wonder if anything I'm doing is causing her to re-evaluate "us" again. I know that my situation seems like an impossibility, but somehow I am mustering the courage to believe that with God all things are possible.
My wife and I never had a wedding ceremony. As crazy as it may sound, in my mind I have a visualization of us getting married again at a church, with the best part being us reciting our vows to each other. Somehow, that dream is what is keeping me from not giving up. Regardless, my entire outlook on life, on purpose, on relationships - has really changed. I know that I will come out of this a better man that I ever was. Right now I am still broken. Slowly, God is putting the pieces of my heart together that only he can fill.
