That W of mine is so naive if she thinks that D doesn't hurt the kids. I'm debating internally on whether or not I tell her about this exchange.
I don't know that they are that naive. Maybe just wishful thinking so they can avoid feeling guilty. My H says stuff like that too, even that the D is good for the kids and me! I can't believe they actually believe stuff like that!!! Karen
Don't tell her about the exchange. Reevaluate your reason for considering telling her. You want a reaction out of her...she won't give you the one you want. We all already know that to be true, right? Nothing you say at this point will make any difference to her.
And, BTW, something very similar to that was told to me recently on my thread by some guy who claims to be married to a crazy woman1
Me 39 H 36 S 7 S 4 T 15 M 12 H out 8/1/08 OW confirmed 8/6/08 D final on 6/12/09...I'm doing good!
It's amazing that we can have the clarity to dole out perfect advice for someone else; yet we are still looking through mud in our own at times.
So, so true, Tom. It seems so much easier to look at a stranger's actions and discern their motives. Not so easy when it's people we know - and love. If it's a stranger, there's no history, no baggage, no memory of the good to cloud our vision.
Makes me wonder sometimes if it isn't a little one dimensional, sometimes. That's not to say that strangers can't give good advice, but is all the insight that we get really insight or just judgement and assumption?
If I get angry at myself for dropping a carton of eggs I just bought, I'm angry because I know there was a moment, a circumstance, a hundred little things that came together to make me drop that carton of eggs. I dropped it, and it sucks, but it doesn't really mean anything. Someone from the outside would look at me and say - how clumsy, how careless, yadda yadda. Insider-outsider bias and all of that.
Of course, what's happening to all of us here is a hundred times bigger than a carton of eggs, but I think the idea is the same. That's not to say that DBing doesn't work, that there aren't fundamentals to behavior - and it certainly isn't to validate what your W is doing. Just a thought, I guess.
I wouldn't tell your W either. Unfortunately, she's not in a place where she's going to respond positively, and it will only add to her pressure. She's chosing to be an absentee mother. She's got to know that. She can running around, sleeping around, and altogether avoiding reality - but there is no way she doesn't know deep inside what she's doing. She's making a really terrible choice that is extremely selfish, and she will pay for it later when she wakes up and has to live with it. It might take her whole life, but believe me, she will suffer for that choice one day.
I'm so glad that you didn't get dragged down into bitterness. Your kids will love you even more for being their rock. Not to be redundant, but they really do notice.
I'm so sorry that you're having to go through this ordeal. You deserve better.
{{{Tom}}} I'm SURE whoever that guy was that told Amy that great advice is a very smart guy who loves his kids and family and has chosen to take the high road and not stay bitter..
And maybe he's even a guy who wears a tiara and lets a pic get taken of it because he loves his daughter? I dunno..it could be THAT guy
Tawnya
Me:39 H:40 D18/S12 M20/T21 Bomb 10/11/08 One Two Three Four
the W actually picked the kids up from school today and took them home. gave me some time to run some errands and sit in traffic (Yay!) She came home to help with some of the financials we need to settle before a D is filed.
Before we got started, I was making dinner and starting some laundry. I heard her talking to someone and not to a kid. She was on her cell phone in front of the kids. I asked who she was talking to;
she replied by name, "It's <OM>." I asked her, "Do you mind?"
She told him that she had to go and she would call him later. Then she came to me and said "It's alright, he doesn't know where I'm at."
Me: I don't care about what he knows or doesn't know. It's completely disrespectful to talk to him in front of me and the kids in our home. W: No response, she turned the convo into inane banter and talk about the Christmas presents.
So after we were done with the finances for the night; I asked her if she was going to stick around for a while. She said she was staying for a little bit.
Me: Then I'm going to Wal-Mart to buy the Millennium Falcon. W: OH HELL NO, last time YOU went to WAL-MART; you were gone 2.5 hours.
Me: WTF? So what? W: well I have to be outta here by 9:20 because I have to pick dysfunctional BFF from work. Her car is in the shop. A tree fell on it.
Me: Well, I'll see you later. Be back soon.
So I went to Wal-mart, bought the Millennium Falcon and then went to have a beer.
I came home, she left. So great that she loves watching the kids, NOT!!
Oh wow, MC, I'm sorry she's acting that way. Glad you got a beer and got a chance to go to Wal-Mart, though. Small victories, I guess.
I wish I had something constructive to say. Unfortunately, all I can say is that I commend you on how well you handle these interactions. It is seriously impressive. Could you bottle that up and send it to the rest of us?
I hope you have a wonderful day tomorrow.
Take care, and God bless. I will remember you in my prayers tonight.
Karen
I dunno..it could be THAT guy 
