Carlos my friend, I had to laugh a bit when you said:
Quote:
no matter what happens with my M, I never want to be that kind of man again - he sounded arrogant, indifferent, obsessed with power and control, and completely disrespectful...and so damn familiar that it drove me crazy
Welcome to the club!
We have all been there and it is so different once you "see the light." It will never be the same.
See as much as it is easy to think that DBing is to "save our marriages" it is really to save ourselves and hope we can save the marriage too.
You have learned a tremendous amout about yourself that you will not repeat in the future. That is and will continue to make you a better man. Now, if you are able to get your M back on track, then you'll be a better H and partner to W. If not, then you'll continue to find yourself and then find the right person for you.
It really is simple if you break it down and can actually see it. I'm glad you're now here. It is a big step to help you w/your growth and change.
Also, I got your FB message, and I'm so glad my post was able to help you at that moment. I was drawn to write you and comment at that time, so things do happen for a reason, my friend.
Now, you did say things that made it sound like you were taking some blame for the issues in your M, so I want to make sure you aren't taking on too much here.
I'm pretty straight forward and I think you appreciate that about me, so I'll lay it out for you on this topic. Your breakthrough yesterday was critical for your movement forward. Did you do things that pushed your W away? Absolutely. In fact, we all did our things that helped push the other one away. However, now you recognize this and can and will make a real effort toward permanent, lasting change.
However, don't allow yourself to take the blame for your W's affair or anything else she's pushing back on to you. You are only responsible for you. You are taking stock and accountability and making changes for the better. Now she has to live up to her end of the deal and look herself in the mirror.
For all of our faults in our relationships, we are, and could only ever be, half of the problem. The other half is our partner's to own up to.
Don't forget while the football field is 100 yards long, you are only responsible for your half of the field. Your W has to cover her half and be willing to meet you at the 50 for things to work b/t you two in the future.
Ok, your last question asked about the difference b/t detaching and "giving up" and it can be tricky. To me, detaching would be to "drop the emotional rope" and not let her have control of your reactions. To detach means you'll need to be able to not be bothered by what she's doing and really not being interested either.
Instead, you just focus on yourself and your son. The rest of her life is up to her. See, when you detach, you move on w/your life and work on becomming a better, more complete, healthier you. If your W wants to join you, she'll catch up.
You don't wait for her, but instead keep living as if you were w/out her before. Still care, still love, but don't wait on her or answer her beck and call. Remember, she walked out, so she did forfeit the right to depend on your for support. If she wants support from you again, she'll need to be willing to work on herself and your M.
Be a friend, but not a nosy, over-involved friend. Act like one of those ones that are "fringe" friends, but not real hangout buddies.
Again, it is just my advice, but that is how I see detaching. I hope it makes sense.
As for giving up, you'll know when you want to move forward. Time will let you know and there may be one day where you simply wake up and say, "I'm done waiting" or that day may never come. Again, there is no time table, but only time passing.
