X is hyper-vigilant to me responding angrily to her. It makes no difference that she is outwardly angry in response to what she percieves as "passive-agressive" behavior by me. She is also concerned that I am depressed.
This makes sense in light of my behavior while I had PTSD. DEPRESSED and ANGRY pretty much describes my state FOR YEARS and DRUNK toward the end as I self-medicated myself. I've been working at 180's for two years now. Everyone gets frustrated or angry from time to time. The problem is that if I show any inkling of that emotion X percieves it as being the "old" me.
X called me tonight, said she ran into an old friend of mine with whom I shared a love for music and were were in some bands together. I haven't seen him in years and stopped playing about 1 year after D was raped and therefore 1 year into the trial. I laid my axe down and haven't picked it up since. It was so long ago (5 years) I no longer have the desire. She encouraged me to call him because she said I was happy when I did that. I told her being with her made me happy. How can she think making music would make me a happy person if I still didn't have my wife and family? I don't get it.
I flirted heavily with her this afternoon. She smiles and sometimes laughs when I do that. She did today.
There were three stockings hung on the mantle. I guess that's a good thing but still kinda sad.
"The answers are within you" (can't remember who). Unfortunately, so is the bullshit.
