Tawnya, honey if I may suggest this to you without sounding too over-.....er....well, I don't know, but over...something
Since we are working on stopping ourselves from saying "I'm sorry", I would love to see you add another line to that list of self improvements. This is for your sake, sweetie, not the jerk's.....I mean the husband. I notice that you say that when you are talking to him that you "ask" him not to yell at you or talk ugly or whatever. May I suggest very strongly (my true Sandi nature, here) that you do not "ask" him. You TELL him not to talk to you in that manner. You don't have to be ugly when you say it or get all upset or anything like that. Just stay calm and show no emotion. Then, all you have to do is say, "H, do not talk to me in that manner any longer". Of couse he will say something back about "what are you going to do about it" or something as stupid, so be prepared. Do not show any emotion. I want you to stand in front of a mirror and practice this....okay. If you have a friend that knows your stitch....practice with the friend using your calm voice.....but a serious or stern voice. "H, I will not listen to you disrespect me any longer". Then when he spouts off......and you know he will.....guess what you do? You know! You hang that phone up without another single word! Don't warn him about what you are going to do....just do it! If he calls right back....don't answer. If he waits and then calls and you answer and he start in again....hang up again. Do this until he stops! Maybe, if he isn't too dumb, he'll get the message through his thick head after a few times of this. Don't be afraid. If you are afraid of him.....you don't need to be living with him....period!

Sweetie, stop begging him to be nice to you, okay? In a sense, that is what he sees you doing and he is in full control over you b/c of your sweet nature. Only it isn't the good control in the form of making you feel secure and protected. He makes you feel worthless.....and that is very curel of him. He is over-bearing and mean. He needs to be taught how to respect and appreciate you. Now, I would just love to come over there and be the one to give him that lesson.....but I can't. You will have to be the one to teach him. First, you must learn to have respect for yourself and to value yourself. You will gain more and more strength every time you stand up to him and TELL him without any apologies what is what. The stronger you get, the more he will respect you. I promise you that! Oh, it won't happen over night b/c he has been the big boss on the big man's throne in the big man's castle for too long. He isn't going to give that "power" up easily. He isn't going to be a happy camper. But guess what? He can very well get over it! If he was this way before you M him.....surely, you would not have M him. He wasn't....was he? Anyway, he can change or you can stay away from him, but you do not have to endure his behavior.

He will finally begin to see a new woman develop before his very eyes and he will like her! If he is not adnormal in some way, then this will happen. Sweetheart, I have seen it over and over again. If you allow people (H's included) to walk on you....that is what they will do! You are the one that shows people how they will treat you. I know some of that from pure hard experience. I know a lot of that from years and years of observation of human nature. I will even go so far as to tell you this and it shames me terribly..........but I remember a person that I was not very kind to simply b/c that person allowed me to be that way. I was very young at the time and it wasn't my nature to treat anyone that way and I don't know why I did unless it was b/c I knew I could....and get away with it. This girl had very low self esteem and let everyone walk on her. Usually, that would be the person I would want to take under my wing and try to help push themselves up. But, for some reason, I did not treat her very kindly. I was a kid, but I will not forget that. It still baffles me to know that I did not show her respect b/c she never did anything bad to me. She acted like some kind of puppy that followed after people almost begging them to be kind to her, licking their boots (so to speak). What happened was that it actually turned people against her. They didn't even feel sorry for her. They just had no respect nor did they want to be around her. She was pathetic. As I said, it shames me terribly to confess this to all of you, but it shows that human beings can be creatures that are not so full of grace and love. The nature of the beast, so to speak, and that nature is bad. So, I said all of that to tell you that I don't want to see that happen to you. I have a feeling that you probably aren't the way with everyone to the point you are your H. I hope you aren't b/c that means you will be a fast learner.....lol. I hope you know when I am teasing you. ;\)

Let me ask you some questions, if I may. I don't know and am purely guessing, but does he have very many close friends? Does he have a problem with any form of authority? For instance, does he come home and b*tch about his boss or somebody that is always on his case? Does he act as if "life" has dealth him a bad hand? Does he show this bad attitude or behavior with others or is it just with you? How does he act around other people and how does he treat you when you both are around people that know you? How does he treat you in public around people that don't know you? Is he a sore loser? What is his general attitude toward people and life? I realize that is a lot of questions I am firing at you, but if you could take time to answer them, I would appreciate it. I can almost see him in my mind, but would like for you to give me a better description. I am wondering if you are just the "cat" that gets kicked by him when he comes home or if there are deeper things at work here.

Either way, there is no excuse for him to treat his W this way. He promised to cherish you, not to abuse you mentally and verbally. I hope and pray that he never abuses you physically or if he even hints at doing that....you will get the heck out of Dodge before the sun sets. I know I am being tough on him, but he deserves it. He picks on you b/c you are the only one that he can do that to and get away with it. Do you realize that sweetie? Being M does not give him rights to mistreat you. Have you ever seen him behave that way to any man? I am just curious and trying to figure him out. He may treat everyone this way for all I know. However, I do know that he reminds me of a lot of guys that bully their wives b/c they can't take up for themselves where others are concerned. They are bullies. They will back down if cornered. But, I don't know your husband, and that is why I am asking so many questions. I am trying to get to know him better......as bad as it is

In closing, I just want to say that I think the best guys in the world are probably right here on the DB board!! Isn't it a shame that their W's don't appreciate them? I read posts from a lot of LBW's and some that are in unhappy M's and think, man--if we could just get these great men with these wonderful ladies......but then...that isn't how it works, is it? Just kidding about that part......but I am serious about the men here on the board. I think it is very special for a man to come here to seek advice, and the for those that have been through their stitch and stick around to help others that come along needing help. I believe they are the best!! Just wanted to say that to balance out all the tought stuff I say....sometimes....about men. ;\)

I would say that I'm sorry for such a long post......but didn't I say something like that last night and then backed out? Anyway, I'm not sorry and I hope you can endure it....

Take care,
Sandi

It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!