Hi BobbiJo - I noticed that I addressed you as BBK once on your thread...made me laugh, since I think it was just me remembering that I once had a girlfriend named BobbiJo - though her last name began with a K...she was my first girlfriend...seventh grade...
I love my wife too - and know that she's in a very dark place - and that she'll have to find a way to heal. The truth is, I don't think I could date anyone until we're divorced - or until she tells me that there's no chance of it working out and she is completely unwilling to try...until then, I will work on me - and focus on getting better at being on my own...maybe after I go a few months without crying in the middle of the day/morning, then I'll know that I'm okay and then I'll be healthy enough to be in a relationship...until that point, I think I'll just keep working on the many parts of my life that I've suddenly realized are in dire need of attention...on that front, I'm signing up to take a Japanese class in January...something I've always wanted to do.
NW - Yes, reality will catch up to her sooner or later - even if her mother does keep throwing money at the problem. You're so very right about the need to live each day to the fullest - and that's a way to give gifts to yourself - so that no matter what happens it doesn't feel like wasted time - it's time that's used to strengthen ourselves, etc, instead of time in which we sit around wondering what will happen next for our spouses.
Do I still see her as my W? That's a tough question...I do think of her as my wife - but the person I see isn't the person I married...or the person I've been with over the last nine years...She's certainly become a stranger...but I know that there's someone in there that I love - it's just a different kind of love that doesn't make me yearn for her or want to keep her nearby - rather it's a love that hopes the best for her...no matter what that is...so...yes...I do still think of her as my wife. So far as I know there hasn't been an OM - though I think there was a hint of an EA early on - but nothing came of it, as I think the EA object proved less impressive than she expected...especially when she told me about how he criticized her one day...the thing about her EA's is that they're almost always paternal - like an attachment she has to the father figure she wishes she had - and it's hardly ever someone that I would be threatened by or jealous of...
The problem, though, is that since she would get into these inappropriate relationships with awkward, kind of outcast men without boundaries and respect for her - they would often just get lost in the idea of having the attention of a beautiful woman - and they would push their friendship to sexual conversations - and she would forgive it...and make excuses for it - and even went so far as to tell me recently that I'm the only one that has problems with those kinds of friendships - since people flirt like that all the time...which I thought was just crazy...the few times I've had women flirt with me sexually I made it clear right way that there were boundaries - that I was married - and that I didn't get into that kind of talk...not so with my wife...and the truth is that it's not so with her parents either...both of whom get way too carried away with their sexual flirtations with people...SIL once even told me that their mom embarrassed her with how much she was "all over a guy" at a company party...
Why did my mind go there...maybe it's just something else I have to process and let go of...I had always taken her inappropriate relationships as a lack of respect for our relationship/marriage - and I still think of it that way...though her defending it does remind me that I also wasn't very happy before the bomb dropped...heck...the easy thing to do would be for me to contact a lawyer and just start the process myself...but since I don't do that, I know that I still love her...and, yes, despite the many problems we have....I still think of her as my wife...I just don't know why I do....
