I'm sure that buefos everywhere would take offense to that remark!
Actually, I'm very fond of amphibians and reptiles.
Pam, I'm not doing well. I'm not doing badly. I think I'm doing.... "weirdly". Not sure how to explain this, but I just can't get a handle on my feelings lately.
Yes, my H did come home last night and was seeming to need some babying from me. I couldn't do it. Nor could I respond to his touch or his advances.
I felt like I'd been dropped into this relationship from mothership and was clueless about my own feelings. I was the alien this time.
H tried to sexually persuade me, but the only urge it invoked inside, was laughter. I fought it down for as long as I could, but then I really lost it. (No face icon to fit that one).
Needless to say, this did not bode well with my H. I apologized and said that I must have been overly tired. He got up and went to the couch in the living room for a while.
...I hate when the other girls have secrets and won't share them...make them tell, Mommy! JK!!
Wow, that sounds like quite a strange experience, Jeannine. But I don't think it's anything out of bounds given the situation. You DON'T know how you feel, you're not sure how H feels, everything is upside down and inside out and you're supposed to just "go with the sexy feelings?"...now some of us CAN do that, but for many people it would be tough.
Can you illuminate us further on exactly what you were feeling/thinking during this event? (like while the laughter was bubbling up?)
...I hate when the other girls have secrets and won't share them...make them tell, Mommy!
No secrets here, Shiney, just a couple of stressed out ladies getting goofy. You can follow our goofiness by reading back a little ways on Pam's thread.
Last night while I was lying in bed waiting to go to sleep, I began to wonder if some part of my mind had finally snapped. I felt like I wasn't detached as much as I was disengaged.
Lately, I feel like that thread that I've been hanging by, has finally broken and I'm now in some sort of "free fall". It's probably temporary, but my concern is that I will not be DBing as effectively as I should.
I felt very stressed and angry when he was pursuing me sexually. (This is new for me). I felt short-changed by his advances this time. I think you are right in your assessment, that my laughing fit might have been stress related.
I know that my H cannot help himself right now, and I do want to meet his needs, however, I've been running on empty for a long time and I'm losing a sense of "me".
I'm not blaming my H for that though. It's something that I must come to terms with and correct.
When I spoke to my H on the phone yesterday, before he came home, he spoke of how difficult it is for him to be "positive" in light of our financial woes, vehicle trouble and the unpleasant circumstances he is dealing with at work. (The job thing seems to be the most overwhelming of situations for him). He did not mention anything that had to do with me or our M. That's good I suppose, unless of course, he was simply leaving it off the list for my benefit. I'm not going to venture a guess with that possibility right now.
It's going on 6pm and I have not heard from him yet. This is unusaul so I'm not sure what the problem is. Just going to try to distract myself for the time being.
I hope your H is home by now and the evening is going well.
I had a mini freak but at least it isn't one David got to know about! Close but by deciding to send email rather than call I was saved.
Has anything really changed in your life to have added even more stress than you already have or is it just the long term effect? I think that long term thing is a killer.
I hope your parents are doing well and your health still holding its own.
Do you have to go for more tests soon? I'm not trying to pry just concerned about you. You can't go getting sick or turning yourself into a toad as I want you around! See entirely selfish reasons here!
So you take care of Jeannine!!
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
I think it's completely understandable that you would be feeling off kilter, out of it, spacey and all that. As if the sitch with H isn't crazy enough, there's your health concerns too.
And having H run hot an cold, the hateful things he's said to you!!! How can you expect to let go and "get into it"???
Give yourself a break, hon. Your world is topsy turvy right now, you're gonna have feelings of disequilibrium...it's very unsettling, I know. Sometimes under severe stress we can "dissociate" from situations and our very selves, in order to keep afloat. Is that what your sense of "disengagement" is like?
Is it a constant feeling or just "spells" so to speak?
Not being ready to "jump" because H wants it is a very real reaction, and the irony of it call often makes me laugh. I want H's love and affection, and when I get the pass, I don't want that. It's either all or nothin' honey. You've got alot on your plate, and don't accept the blame because you weren't in the "mood" he wanted you in.
H had taken the day off from work yesterday and we spent a productive day together. I drove him to work this morning because of the possibilty of rain. So I have time just enough for this post before I have to get the folks ready and out the door for their tuesday outing.
I think that long term thing is a killer.
That's for sure. I think that my little problem with "disengagement" is likely due to relentless, intense stress.
My Mom and her H (the folks) are alright. Some days are worse than others, but all and all, they're doing as well as can be expected considering the severity of their dementia. I feel like a puppet master anymore. It's really sad to watch them mentally slipping away. The simplest of things have turned into major challenges.
Although my own health wavers from day to day, I am happy to report that I've had no intense abdominal cramping for at least four days now. Aside from fatigue and hair loss, the only thing that is causing me concern is frequent chills. At this moment in time, I seem to be in a holding pattern and am continuing on with my quest to gain some weight back.
I keep forgetting to make an appointment with the doctor, however, I'm not overly concerned. I'm pretty sure I'd have heard from him by now if he had found something dire. I do intend to call for an appointment before long though.
Other than that, I'm doing pretty well today.
I caught up on your thread yesterday but did not have time to post. I need to get back over there and see how you are doing as soon as I get a chance.
...I hate when the other girls have secrets and won't share them...make them tell, Mommy! 
JK!! 
You can't go getting sick or turning yourself into a toad as I want you around! See entirely selfish reasons here! 
