i can understand your feeling, M. When i see my H so happy and relaxed and relieved that he's told me all this and go live out his little love thing with OW - well that makes me so mad and miserable i can hardly see . But i'm working on NOT reacting that way because what use is that? and i have the POWER to NOT react that way - my reactions are my OWN DECISION and i don't have to react that way. And i'm beginning to understand that these 'knee-jerk' emotional reactions are directly related to my own 'stories' about being abandoned by the ones i love - those stories have nothing to do with H and EVERYTHING to do with ME. So it's ME that i need to work on - and that's fortunate because that happens to be the 1 person where i'm 100% responsible for getting the result. So i've started working...
I was also thinking how he must be getting wonderful, giddy, 'love-high' conversations with OW - so imagine the contrast if when he talks to me i'm down in the dumps. Even a neutral tone of conversation is probably a major contrast but at least it's neutral! Hang in there...
Me49-WAW H46 T25 S17D14S10 Sep.jan08,PA,back Apr08,H PA Dec08,end09 New Thread
Well it is the next morning and i rang h to apologise for text.
He said " you dont need to apologise " I said " well i feel what I said, it is just that I acted in child like way by sending them to you. i needed to write it down and burn it "
Then i went on to explain that actually it was me being child like throughout our M , that has me doing stuff like the texts and it was his parental hold in the marriage that had him respond with the attitude of a parent ie its ok, I will come back into the room when you have calmed down, etc etc
He was very interested and said " Wow that sounds good and right "
We then when on discuss xmas day plans as adults.With me asking his thoughts and him kind of considering mine. He seems stuck on this idea that our kids will get confused if we share anytime together. Our kids are 16, 18 and 20. Hardly of an age where they would be confused.
I said " the more we can work together and make them our priority the better they will come through this "
so he came up with a few suggestions for the day, which I said I would put on the table with them to choose.
All in all a good conversation. It was for 30min and he was interested in what my C had to say.
All our conversations are about kids and business. Although apparently (according to my C ) he is giving me a lot of personal info .. his hospital trip, what he will be doing in hosp, dentist visit, working through xmas, going to car race in Jan and deep sea fishing following weekend. She says he is not genuine in his leaving. Most would not tell other spouse much. the only thing I don't know about h , is where he goes at night. He protects that with his life. I dont ask questions and allow my imagination to run wild instead which spirals me into depression.
H also will not help me at all. I had a huge xmas tree on the driveway which had to be carried up into living area and he stepped over it. I needed a strong magnet and asked him for one and he basically ignored me. My C said if you were genuine and real , you would pick up the xmas tree because you would do that for even a stranger.
Wow, M, that sounds actually pretty + to me! That he was so interested in your analysis of the situation. It reminds me of the kinda 'cycles" I experience with my H - from positive feedback to very negative 'nothing what you do is right' feedback. I think that you handled the call really well, and that he was receptive to that and to your introspection. Kudos to you for that!
Me49-WAW H46 T25 S17D14S10 Sep.jan08,PA,back Apr08,H PA Dec08,end09 New Thread
I feel though this coldness, dis-interet if you will and very forgetful. Like he cant be bothered.
I am going to have to sit this out now and see if he calls to be more positive to him. I feel though if I dont ask the questions, then he tells me nothing. I dont know if that is him really distancing himself or if he puts effort into not telling me stuff without being asked!
I think of myself smarter than the OW. To me H has said "that she cant hold a candle to you" " she is flat chested solo mother who has nothing and smokes " " if he was to ahve sex then he would be just using her " " He said he could never trust again " ' He said he would never love again"
He has also said in the heat of things
" she is wonderful to talk to " " we have spouses who have had A in common but that is all" " she has introduced me to new friends" " laid back Maoris, lower social ecomonically than me " " they listen when i speak "
I wish there was somewhere I could look up and follow his thought patterns ! I have never ever experianced such dis-interest from anyone before. My customers ask more than he. he is like functional.
Dear Mof3...I have chimed in on your thread before...I feel bad because it seems everytime I chime in it is with a 2x4! I am sorry for that, but I hope this will help in some way.
Dear woman, you have mentioned on your threads many many times the things H has said about OW. That she is flat chested, that she smokes, that he would just be using her. It is apparent that you are obsessing about this (and I know you admit to obsessing and you wish you could stop).
But really honey, there is nothing anyone ELSE can do for YOU....YOU are the one who must stop your obsessive thoughts.
Discussing your obsessive thoughts with anyone, on these boards, with friends, or over and over in your own head....none of these things will help you. You need to distance yourself from these thoughts and you need to discipline yourself to be able to do this.
Many people have been trying to tell you this, and you simply come back and say the same things again: he said she is flat chested, she smokes, he would be using her, etc. What does it mean? Is it over?
Honey...did you ever actually finish read the DB or DR book?
I think you are doing everything you can to hold on to your obsessive thoughts versus work through them. You are basically refusing to take people's advice or finish reading the book, and yet you still ask "can someone please help me?"
We are trying to help you, but you are refusing the help. You are insisting that obsessing about him and his OW is beyond your control, but it is not.
I don't mean to say that it won't be difficult, but everyone on these boards has had to deal with their own situation and everyone has had to learn how to put things out of their minds for their own well being, and many of us has had to learn to accept that a relatiionship or marriage is over. As hard as this has been, many of us has had to do this.
What we are all trying to tell you is that, if it is over, then remaining stuck on your obsession about his life, the OW and what he is doing, will NOT help you move on. You need to start doing things that WILL help you move on, in case you need to do just that.
And one last thing....you do seem to forget time and again that your A is what has put you in this place. You seem confused about what your H is doing and why he is doing it. You seem to forget that what he went through when you finally admitted your A and before that, is what is causing his actions now.
This is not out of the blue and for no reason. This is all happening because you took a risk with your marriage and you thought you fell in love with your OM (or maybe you thought you fell out of love with your H) but in reality, you found you were lying to yourself and you now wish you could take it all back.......
But we can't take back these types of mistakes. If our spouse decides to continue with us after that type of mistake, we are lucky. But if they decide to kick you to the curb and take up with their own A, then how can we fault them for this?
That doesn't mean it will ever be easy and it doesn't mean it won't hurt you...but what it does mean is that you need to stop struggling against this reality you have created for yourself. This is the future reality that was being formed back when YOU were having an A. This is what you chose by your own course of actions. This is the consequences of those choices and actions.
Honey, we all feel very badly for you and this is obvioulsy hurting you so much. But at some point we have to pull up our big girl panties and deal with the bed we made.
Remember - I am speaking to you as a divorced woman who made every mistake possible and was not able to retrieve my marriage from disaster. Over time, my actions caused my H to lose all his love for me. And when it was time for us to break up, he abandoned me and my son without a second glance. So I know all too well about sleeping in the bed we've made. My H has still (5 years post divorce) not completely reconciled with our son...and there ain't a dang thing I can do about that other than accept it and try not to let it break my heart.
Please Mof3....begin NOW in stopping your obsessive thoughts. YOU are the only one who gets to decide what YOU think about, ok? It may be hard, but you must try to retrain your brain and stop thinking about H and OW....please try. You can do it if you sincerely work at it.
I supppose I am grasping at straws. I do ahve an understanding of my resposibility and possibly a frustration at not being able to correct it.
I know it is up to me to stop the thoughts and I know that doing other things will make that easier. i have proven that to myself in little doses over the past few weeks. I am just hoping against hope that there is something worth fighting for.
I also have not read the books cover to cover and probably that may be contributing to my lack of understanding.
Today I had a good go at letting obsessive thoughts go and you know for the most part it worked.
I have to let H go. I have to be resolute with myself that it is over.
So advice please !
Christmas day - he has siad that he is happy to come around xmas morning and spend that with the kids - is this good Dbing to allow this. He would leave lunchtime.
Me - if I am to give this man up , then having xmas would kill me. I would prefer to have xmas morning on my own and then let our kids go to him in the afternoon.
Kids - 2 of them dont care and one says she is staying put and refuses to have 2 christmas.
DQ - It has only been 12 hours since i read your 2x4 and I have had the best day in 6 weeks. It may not continue but thanks for is what I hope now a permanent wake up call.
about my A. Yes i did that but I spent the next 3 years fighting for my marriage , with a man who came and went, was emotionally abusive . Mind you having said that, I did lie until this year, so I suppose that was not fighting for my M.
Just from my feelings today towards everything, i can see how you would Db more effectively. Only 1 day I know but it was a taste.
To stop thoughts, i just thought better of myself. If he wants another woman and i am not good enough for him , then go enjoy. I know in reality I am worthy of better love.
My h was like a street angel and me a home devil. Neither bring out the best in each other.
. But i'm working on NOT reacting that way because what use is that? and i have the POWER to NOT react that way - my reactions are my OWN DECISION and i don't have to react that way. And i'm beginning to understand that these 'knee-jerk' emotional reactions are directly related to my own 'stories' about being abandoned by the ones i love - those stories have nothing to do with H and EVERYTHING to do with ME. So it's ME that i need to work on - and that's fortunate because that happens to be the 1 person where i'm 100% responsible for getting the result. So i've started working... 
