Dear Mof3...I have chimed in on your thread before...I feel bad because it seems everytime I chime in it is with a 2x4! I am sorry for that, but I hope this will help in some way.
Dear woman, you have mentioned on your threads many many times the things H has said about OW. That she is flat chested, that she smokes, that he would just be using her. It is apparent that you are obsessing about this (and I know you admit to obsessing and you wish you could stop).
But really honey, there is nothing anyone ELSE can do for YOU....YOU are the one who must stop your obsessive thoughts.
Discussing your obsessive thoughts with anyone, on these boards, with friends, or over and over in your own head....none of these things will help you. You need to distance yourself from these thoughts and you need to discipline yourself to be able to do this.
Many people have been trying to tell you this, and you simply come back and say the same things again: he said she is flat chested, she smokes, he would be using her, etc. What does it mean? Is it over?
Honey...did you ever actually finish read the DB or DR book?
I think you are doing everything you can to hold on to your obsessive thoughts versus work through them. You are basically refusing to take people's advice or finish reading the book, and yet you still ask "can someone please help me?"
We are trying to help you, but you are refusing the help. You are insisting that obsessing about him and his OW is beyond your control, but it is not.
I don't mean to say that it won't be difficult, but everyone on these boards has had to deal with their own situation and everyone has had to learn how to put things out of their minds for their own well being, and many of us has had to learn to accept that a relatiionship or marriage is over. As hard as this has been, many of us has had to do this.
What we are all trying to tell you is that, if it is over, then remaining stuck on your obsession about his life, the OW and what he is doing, will NOT help you move on. You need to start doing things that WILL help you move on, in case you need to do just that.
And one last thing....you do seem to forget time and again that your A is what has put you in this place. You seem confused about what your H is doing and why he is doing it. You seem to forget that what he went through when you finally admitted your A and before that, is what is causing his actions now.
This is not out of the blue and for no reason. This is all happening because you took a risk with your marriage and you thought you fell in love with your OM (or maybe you thought you fell out of love with your H) but in reality, you found you were lying to yourself and you now wish you could take it all back.......
But we can't take back these types of mistakes. If our spouse decides to continue with us after that type of mistake, we are lucky. But if they decide to kick you to the curb and take up with their own A, then how can we fault them for this?
That doesn't mean it will ever be easy and it doesn't mean it won't hurt you...but what it does mean is that you need to stop struggling against this reality you have created for yourself. This is the future reality that was being formed back when YOU were having an A. This is what you chose by your own course of actions. This is the consequences of those choices and actions.
Honey, we all feel very badly for you and this is obvioulsy hurting you so much. But at some point we have to pull up our big girl panties and deal with the bed we made.
Remember - I am speaking to you as a divorced woman who made every mistake possible and was not able to retrieve my marriage from disaster. Over time, my actions caused my H to lose all his love for me. And when it was time for us to break up, he abandoned me and my son without a second glance. So I know all too well about sleeping in the bed we've made. My H has still (5 years post divorce) not completely reconciled with our son...and there ain't a dang thing I can do about that other than accept it and try not to let it break my heart.
Please Mof3....begin NOW in stopping your obsessive thoughts. YOU are the only one who gets to decide what YOU think about, ok? It may be hard, but you must try to retrain your brain and stop thinking about H and OW....please try. You can do it if you sincerely work at it.
