So...here's the question I have...and this is what weighs on me heavily...how does one strike the balance between detaching and just plain giving up? The night before she moved out she told me that she doesn't know what happens next, and that if we do stay together we would have to start over again - and that conversation creeps into my head sometimes...and I think...okay...so there's a chance...but then I look at her - and how she's dealing with things and how she acts toward me - and I think...even if there is a chance, I have to move on with my life - and do what I have to do for me...
The truth is that her mom coming down here and throwing money at the problem just really bothers me - since it's just such a typical way of prolonging the inevitable - that reality will hit my W hard one day...and she will be in a lot of pain...and I know there's nothing I can do about that - and there's nothing I can say or do to help her - but how does on detach - move on - and not just say, f**k it, it's over.
I don't want to see anyone new...but I know that in a few months that might change...and if it does...and if I do just think of my W as a non-factor in my life - what then? She may never change - or she may decide that what she's done - in breaking up our family - is what she needed to do - and then where does that leave me if I just "go on with my life" - but don't allow myself to meet someone new? Do I give myself a deadline - just for my own sake? Say, six months, and then open myself up to the possibility of meeting someone else?
The thing is...I value our vows...and until we're divorced, I feel like I am married to her - she is my wife, I am her husband...and I want to honor that until it's explicitly over...so maybe that's the answer to my question...honor my wife and my marriage until it's explicitly over...and do my best to tune out my friends and family that tell me it is over - and that it ended when she moved out - and that I should go out on a date...
I have to admit...the loneliness is hard sometimes...but maybe that's just why I should deal with it for a while longer - until I don't have that loneliness when I'm by myself - and instead I am fully comfortable in my own company - and don't "need" someone to fill that gap for me...and until I heal more - and find comfort in my solitude (not loneliness)- I should just continue to work on me - taking care of my kids - and offering my detached love to my wife...all the while knowing that I was unhappy before she dropped the bomb - and I wanted things to change and get better for us - and that if they can't improve - it will be best for both of us to move on with separate lives - bonded only by our love for our baby...
