Trixi aka "The Pitbull who can't let go"

[Trixi]

It's been quiet on the H front; but in a way, not so quiet.

Still hoping for January... You have my email right? Good luck with the buyers!

Yup, I still have your email Buyers and I are going out again Saturday. Haven't found "The" house for them yet, but I am sure it's out there with all the inventory we have to pick from. I definitely need a get-a-way.

Do you think H has an addiction problem?

Yes-but not in the "daily" sense. More like a binger who can't stop once they get going.

It sounds like you do think that - which leads me to wonder if it's worse than you think. If that's the case it explains a LOT of things to me. I know not to make too many assumptions or speculations but I just want to throw some thoughts out there.

- Lack of contact during the week = you don't hear him drunk/drugged out.

I think, actually, that he is just jamming/hanging out during the week. Could be wrong I suppose...I really do not believe it to be a daily indulgence.
Having said that, I think there is something to perhaps him not wanting me around because of what he does when he is intoxicated. He already told me years ago that when he went out to bars (without me) that he liked to flirt.
Sheesh, I don't know how many times he has 'had' to tell me that there is a TON of opportunity out there for him to pick up women and he doesn't act on it. He just said it *again* this past week. Like he is some sort of hero or saint or something.

Dr Harley of Marriage Builders told me over a year ago that he thought H was leaving because there was someone waiting in the wings. (Which wasn't the case since my H went out on dates with different women, put a profile on match, etc. He wasn't "in love" and being influenced by the love fog.)
In fact, here is exactly what Dr H said "But there's another possibility. The explanation he's giving you, that he just wants to see what it would be like to be in love with someone else, is so stupid and selfish that ordinarily I would reject it immediately. But quite frankly, if it turns out to be the real reason he's leaving, it would be strong evidence that he's sociopathic. If that's the case, he will get into all kinds of legal trouble, including drug use and other illegal activities, after he leaves. Maybe that's what you've been up against all these years. You may have been preventing him from making a mess of his life due to his very self-destructive instincts, and he's resented your positive influence."
and then later when I said there was absolutely no other woman "Exculsivity are extremely important in creating a passionate relationship, and your husband's wandering eye is a major factor in your relationship never quite coming together.
However, I must repeat what I said earlier that anyone who leaves his wife just to see if there's something better out there has serious character issues."

Yikes. At the time, I thought he was being pretty harsh...now, I am wondering if maybe he was right.

I wonder if this may have come off as bizarrely to him as it did to me?

H: "I'm really excited about this music thing and want to see where it goes."
You: "Plenty of musicians are married!"

I suppose the context is that whenever he is talking about how he doesn't know what he wants to do about the relationship HE adds in the thing about wanting to see where the music will go (as if it is an either/or proposition). My point was that he can still see where the music goes AND be married.

I think that my H is more attached to the RM than to his son or me. I think that the RM is sort of tied up with the whole "I want to see where the music goes" deal. RM is on that adventure with him. RM is helping him "get there". So, I can see where RM would be the most important thing to H, given that music is the most important thing.

SS is being told he needs to stand in front of the judge back east. So, H and SS will be flying out there in Jan sometime. And then SS will be put in rehab. In the meantime, SS will be in counseling. H will go in and tell the counselor some stuff, but then leave the rest to SS. I asked H if he told the counselor the entire living sitch, and he said no. Grrrrrr.... How the heck is the counselor supposed to help when they don't have the whole picture? SS is unlikely to say anything because he "protected" his mother while she self-destructed and took SS with her. More than likely he will lie to protect my H; and I know this because he lied to me recently on several occassions about H's involvement in things to keep me from 'getting mad' at H.

H asked me to take them to the counseling appointments the next two Tuesdays. And then we could go out Christmas shopping. It does sound like my H is respecting the "no driving" for the next 90 days. But then he said something stupid "I might have to go to 'retard school'." I asked what he meant and he said "You know. Where you have to go take classes on drug and alchohol abuse." I said that maybe he would actually learn something and he said "yeah. maybe." in a very skeptical voice.

I am torn. I know that looking at it pragmatically, I should run as fast as I can in the other direction. But I have been with him for almost 14 years. I helped raise his son for 8-9 years of that. But I was poo-pooed when I would get up in arms at how SS's mom would lie and encourage SS to lie about things. I got poo-pooed when I said we needed to be firmer with SS when he got in trouble with things. I was poo-pooed when we put SS in counseling years ago and SS was BSing the counselor and the counselor said "he's fine." I was poo-pooed when I said the relationship between SS and his mother (once he moved there)was highly dysfunctional that SS was being damaged. And now I am being poo-pooed again. Only this time the stakes are even higher.

I'm sorry, I'm just venting. I am still a little in shock at the lack of response from H's parents. I feel like I am all alone out here.