Still More to Learn

[lovehimso]

Beth,

I feel badly that you are having such a crummy day so far. I don't really have anything too different to say than what the others have already said. I guess I'll just say, try to remember that this is YOUR life, and YOUR decision. Other people may THINK they know what is best for you, and what you need to do, but they are NOT YOU.

How dare someone look at you the way this woman did, just because they don't agree with a decision YOU are making about YOUR life! I'd like to smack that woman right now! You deserve so much better than that Beth!

Don't feel badly about crying about it, either, though. I know that sometimes when someone is able to "get to me" that way, and I respond emotionally, I feel like I have somehow failed, because I know THEY are wrong. Why did I let them do that to me? I have come to the conclusion that that's just who I am, I have strong emotions and they often overflow, but that doesn't mean that I have to wallow in it, or allow others to tell me what to DO. I can experience the emotion, but then move on.

I guess I had more to say than I thought (don't I always?)! I want to say also that what you said about letting go of the "old" marriage ("But I think it is finally sinking in that I want to let go of that marriage. That marriage fell apart and is in a really bad state. I no longer want that marriage.") really struck a chord with me.

Thinking about it that way, in such clear terms, I think is really going to help me to lovingly detach. I've struggled with how to do both things at once; detach from my H, but do it in a loving way. If I think about it in terms of "THAT" marriage, I can detach from "that" marriage, and "that" man my H was in it, and still love the real person I know my H to be. Does that make sense?

I'm still not wearing my ring. Sometimes I miss it, and sometimes I feel ashamed that it's not on my hand, like it means I'm not committed to my marriage. It seems like I SHOULD be wearing it, because I am just as committed to my marriage and my H as before. I will honor my marriage vow as long as H and I are legally married.

But I feel like I'm no longer trying to "save" my old marriage; what I desire is a "better", healthy marriage to my H. I put the ring on once, just for a minute or so, just to see how it felt, and that didn't feel right either anymore, maybe because it now represents that old R, which sucked. I'm not sure why it felt a little bit "wrong". So, it's staying off for now.

I have thought about whether or not I would want a new ring when H and I do reconcile (I had to decide whether or not to say "if" or "when", and I decided to be positive!), and what I think I would like is to take my engagement ring, which is a simple solitaire, and add something, like a wrap, to it. That way, I still honor the time we spent together in our "old" marriage (after all, it's part of our history, and it wasn't all bad), while recognizing and commiting to the "new" relationship.

All of this conversation about my rings could end up being a moot point, but it is something I have thought about a little bit. I really do love the true person that I know my H to be. I can only hope that he will resurface, choose to recommit himself to me, and that we can spend the rest of our lives together as real partners in this world. Hopefully, too, we can do that as two "complete" people ourselves.

I'm not trying to hijack your thread. The reason I went into the ring thing is to let you know that because you posted about your experience today, and shared your feelings about it, I was able to gain some perspective into my own life and sitch. So, thanks!

Take care Beth, gotta run! Sending some big, huge, virtual (((((HUGS))))) your way!