I screwed up again

[VeronicaV]

AN,

I am glad that you are having an okay experience with the ring removal. If you go look at my thread, I had a bit of a meltdown over mine today.

I am still not detached enough.

[AnotherNightmare]

Beth,

I just read about your experience. I did have one little episode with the ring as well that made me feel uncomfortable, but not because I had taken it off, but because I lied about it.

It was my D5 who made a comment about Daddy's ring (she is a little princess and loves jewelry, so it is one of her favorite topics). She noticed I had taken it off. I do not remember the exact reason I told her, but of course it was not the truth.
So I started thinking what I would tell other people asking about it (or something else related to our R). Would I tell them the truth? During the 2 weeks my W was gone, I did not. I did not lie about it, but I certainly left out anything that would have exposed her. I really do not know if I want to continue protecting her. I have not made up my mind, but I am leaning towards telling more of the truth to everybody who asks about it. A part of me still wants to protect her to keep the option alive for her to come back without any "damage". The other part of me says she did the damage by walking away, not me by telling people about it.

So you see I am making progress detaching, but by no means I have arrived at the end of the tunnel yet.

AN

[AlexEN]

AN,

You might want to take a look at the board I suggested to Beth on her thread... It's a thread with various posters thoughts on both the ring question and whether or not to tell the kids.

I'm a much slower learner (perhaps to the point of too little, too late) than you appear to be. Your thoughts are all very rational in a time that has all too much upheaval.

Beth,

I think you're right on target with this comment for AN (and it applies in my sitch, too):

While it appears that it is your choice to fight her or let them go, that is a false dichtomy, she made the choice to leave you. Now she wants to have her cake - leaving her marriage and eat it, too - taking the kids with her.

My wife wants to leave the marriage (which, despite her protestations to the contrary) means running away from our family. She wants to present a united front to them, when nothing could be farther from the truth. It is definitely "having her cake..."

-AlexEN

[AnotherNightmare]

Alex,

Thanks for stopping by! I did mean to comment on your thread as well, but never got around. I do think there are some similarities in our sitches. Both our W's have EAs with an OM who is relatively far away. They both still live at home. They both try to pretend in front of the kids and any outsiders (my W has not told anybody except her very best friend). Well, I do not know if she told her family while she was there during the last 2 weeks. She wants integrity resolving the M, which of course means I should not cause her any problems and agree to anything she wants (in exchange for that, she may leave a little more money for me). I do not think she expects something like "you can leave, not on your terms, but on terms I can agree to as well".

I am not sure I am fast learner. I have been married for 17 years without truly realizing what was going on. Sure, we had fights and I knew something was wrong, but I did not learn anything during those 17 years. I think what helped me here was that I quickly (well, it took 4 weeks) realized that I also did not want to continue this M the way it is. As techguy said earlier, the one who wants to hold on the least has the power. I am open and willing to start a new M with her, but I do not want to hold on to this one. Once you realize that, it feels like you have covered a lot of ground on your way to detachment.

The interesting thing is that the impact on me significant. During the 2 weeks my W was gone and I was still struggling, I slept 5-6 hours on average with lots of breaks. The last two days I slept 8 hours straight not waking up once thinking about my M.

AN

PS: I am making a mental note to comment on your thread, too. Thanks again!

[AlexEN]

As techguy said earlier, the one who wants to hold on the least has the power. I am open and willing to start a new M with her, but I do not want to hold on to this one.

Zen, but true...

-AlexEN

[AnotherNightmare]

Alex,

One more thing: I do not want to expose to the kids yet, they are just too young for this. I really try to protect them as long as I can, not her. If they were older and they asked, I would probably tell them now.

One thing I just found out after some more research, I could delay the D up to 2 years. I always thought that in PA it is 90 days and after that it is a matter of weeks (never asked the L about that). I need to think about that a little longer, but it essentially means she can forget about moving back to Germany in the summer, unless I agree. Of course, she could leave without a D and the kids. Anyway, I will keep that ace in the sleeve for now, until I have thought about it and have come to a conclusion.

AN

[AnotherNightmare]

I had another good night of sleep and I have not had any mood swings since the weekend. Except I am little angry at myself because I forgot to set my alarm clock, so I had to skip going for a run this morning.

Since I am traveling home today, I am thinking about some plans for the weekend. Need to figure out what I can do with the kids. They and I have a day off tomorrow as well. I also expect her to approach me this weekend, because I am sure the whole custody issue is working in her mind (and OM probably told her how to handle it).
If it was not so sad, I would say I enjoy playing these mind games. The one thing I keep telling myself is that I am in control of the custody issue, while the D issue is out of my control. So my message (to myself and to her) will be, you are divorcing me, so I am preparing for a life without you, but with the kids. I do not care where you go, but I want the kids close to me. More importantly, I need to transmit this message to her through actions rather than words.

We will see how it goes...

AN

[VeronicaV]

AN,

You sound grounded, like you are making decisions with your mind not your feelings. That is a good thing.

One suggestion, this is something I am working to achieve, try to stop anticipating what will happen with your W in the coming days. I find that when I anticipate something, if it does not occur, it triggers bad emotions. Problem with that is, then I start acting from emotion instead of from reason. It matters a little less for me since H is not around. In your situation, you W is still in the house, providing opportunities for things to go wrong if this happens.

Try to stay in the present only and make decisions based on your thoughts and reason. If this is a habit, and you are not "expecting" her to do or say something, she cannot throw you for a loop.

Easier said than done, as is the case with most of the DB techniques.

Beth

[AnotherNightmare]

Beth,

Thank you for your reminder! I guess that is project manager in me, trying to anticipate everything that could possibly happen and having a plan in place if it does happen. It sounds like that is a "cheeseless tunnel" as far as R are concerned.

In reality, it probably does not matter if or when she approaches me. The point is I will not approach her. She knows where I stand, so she can deal with it whenever she feels ready. And as I am getting better at DB, I do not really need to prepare or rehearse what I am going to say, right?

AN

[AnotherNightmare]

Just got home after a long day at the airport and on a plane (with all that bad weather at the east coast, Philly is not the airport you want as a destination) and finished watching Survivor, my favorite and only reality show I have ever watched. Beautiful blindside tonight! If M and D were just a game, it would be so much easier to deal with it...

Looking at the weather forecast, the weekend looks nice, cold but nice. So I need to think of something, maybe even go out on Saturday night or so. Tomorrow, I have to go to the parent conferences with W. On my S8's report card, he has done pretty well in reading, so all the work we have done and the time I have spent with him reading has finally paid off. In addition, I have a questionaire from the school psychologist for his evaluation. I guess I need to take a look at that tomorrow, so hopefully we will get the results some time before Xmas.

I am in a really good mood tonight and have not had any mood swings since last Sunday.

AN