Still More to Learn

[AlexEN]

Beth,

Update:

I just read Phoenixdeux's post about the last resort technique and it has really helped me. It truly came at the perfect moment. Then I read in Another Nightmare's thread that he has taken off his wedding rings and so far so good.

The two posts combined gave me an epiphany. I have been way too afraid to let go. Like if I let go of the marriage, then it's game over. If I take off my rings, I am accepting defeat.

But I think it is finally sinking in that I want to let go of that marriage. That marriage fell apart and is in a really bad state. I no longer want that marriage.

I do still want that man. I would like a new relationship with that man, if he gets his head out of his butt.

I think I am confusing the crying/mourning of the loss with acceptance of defeat. So what we were defeated. Lots of people pick themselves up after defeat and try again. Hopefully, they will have learned something in the defeat, but they try again.

Why can't I try again with H, if he is willing one day?

I am rambling a bit but I wanted to get my thoughts out before I lost them. Plus it helps me process. Will probably have some more setbacks and crying, so be warned friends.

I don't think you're rambling at all (especially given the way I DO ramble when I write, but I digress). I have to think you're making sense, because I finally realized the same thought you just articulated about the old R being dead on another board and, since GMTA, it's reinforcing to hear it from you.

In all seriousness, the old R is dead. Neither of us wants it. I'd want a new R with my W, too, but only IF she can work on herself and our marriage, too, so it would be a new R.

Don't know if you've seen it, but if you go to the infidelity board and look at thread "Whether, what and when to tell the kids?", one of the topics discussed was the wearing of the ring.
Personally, I think my W is the hypocrite for wearing the ring now (but, it's all part of her not wanting to have to disclose anything to the kids until the D is a done deal, which, IMO, is deceitful. I did take ring off for awhile, but realized that, as you said, I AM still married and I am still committed, for my family's sake more so than mine personally, to our marriage. I am not they hypocrite for wearing it; nor, do I want to beg the question from my children as to why I am not until it is time to tell them of our situation. As Puppy wrote on that thread, it is an "intensely personal" decision whether or not to wear one's ring. That is one that has to come from the gut (and, IMO, it's perfectly reasonable to have a different feeling about it on different days) and not from well-meaning 3rd parties.

Best,

AlexEN