they didn't do the tree, so I ran an errand last night and did the lights. My D17 will decorate the tree after school today. she says her mother is coming over to help put up decorations around the house. Told D17 I didn't want her too. Told D17 her mother should decorate her own place and leave my house alone. I was plenty pissed off, kinda barked that at D17. Wrong thing to do, I know. I put up a few decorations last night and brought up the ornaments. I will bring up the rest at lunchtime today.
Went to my buddy's house last night and sat and talked with him and his girl for a while. checked out some furniture he picked up doing a clean out. Nothing that I could really use. We shot a few games of pool and just talked about whatever. Asked how I was doing and told him better. I am going to Church and I do feel better by going. Told him at the end of the week, no matter what happens, I can go there and sit and pray and just feel better.
He asked the big quesation, do I think she'll be back? told him it doesn't look promising, but I am dealing with me and the things I am responsible for. She has chosen her life and her path, God help her. Told him I have my hope and faith in the situation, but I am finding strength through God and Church. He told me that he thinks she'll be back, and probably after the holidays. Him and his girl see her through a mutual friend, so they have more insight to her emotions and whatever. told him it is a nice thought, hope he is right, but I can't and won't live on false hopes. she is with OM and that's that.
It was a quick 2 minute conversation. Went back to talking about Xmas, work and what not.
Rough night sleeping again last night. Knew it would be. Woke about 3 times during the night. Dreams mostly. Can't remember details so the dreams were insignificant. My friends words kept clammering in my head, the thought of her decorating my house like she used to clammering in my head, and my strength in what I am now doing calming me down. Woke up calm and somewhat rested. Asked more questions to Him last night. "...lead us from temptation...." Lords Prayer. I know what He means. I know what He is talking about to me in this prayer at this time in my life. I understand. Asked a couple of other questions about my situation, woke up rested and calm, not upset so my guess is I got an answer from Him as I slept. I am beginning to lean on Him , I think, a whole lot more now. Feels good, like I have someone in my corner all the time. Not so lonely. I believe this was a good choice for me to go back to Church. HAve a great day AmyC. One quick question for you before I go to work, If she feels the need to decorate my house with D17, becasue she wants to and D17 wants her to, should i stop it? I have an answer in my head, but you indicated I need to maybe open up a little bit to her and be less "dark" so she can see me. Will my defiance in her putting up decorations in my home hurt my hope of anything with W? Sorray it was two questions.
That was my thought. She will be gone by the time I get home I am sure. If she isn't I am going to a friends house to pick up some tools for a project so I will just go over to his house earlier.
I do not want to block or interfere with my D17 and her mom. i felt bad about saying that to my D17 last night and I apologized this morning. She said she understands. I told her if she wants to come over and help you decorate, then its OK with me. She says she just needs help with the lights and a couple of things and thats all. She liked what I had done last night and asked about lights on the house. told her I would do them Sunday.
Put lights on tree myself. W blew my D17 off. Called form OM's mothers house (caller ID) and tld her she couldn't make it, got called into work. D17 knew she was lying. Anyway, lights look good, D17 said not bad but she will redo garland and ornaments tomorrow. We had a good night, laughed a little, hung up some Xmas cards we got. doing laundry. she is such a good kid D176. This really kills me when she is happy and then she gets a little sullen. this is hard on her being the youngest and the only one left at home.
Talked to my son tonight. He was very concerned about me, he had talked to D21. Told me keep being me, everyone loves me. If no one has come along and scooped me up yet its bvecaus it isn't menat to be, mayb, who knows. Says he'll go to church with me on sunday, great. He gets mad about all of this, becaue he is Mommys boy, he just gets ripped. Told him to calm done, threats don't make anything better. He had to go, his MIL was droppping off the baby. Computer hard drive crashed at work today, I am under the gun to get a National service poject complete, and down it went. 7 hours of me calling every computer geek I knew to get it resolved. Our "computer company" was completely useless....Very frustrating day, lots of pressure from above, looked up at the ceiling and said, this is a cake walk...LOL...find myself rubbing the cross a lot. don't know why, I just do. Finding lots of frustration and emotiona, negative emotion, but I am prepared. AmyC as yu said, the other one will throw everything at me. Still calm, still focused, still listening...
I always tried (though wasn't always successful) to remember that when things got rougher - harder to endure - it was because something, somewhere was tilting the deck in my favor for what I was believing God for.
The Bible says if we will bind the things on earth that WE have the power to bind (through use of the Word) HE will bind the things that we can not; such as demonic influence, if you will, which is ultimately behind the breakdown of the family.
The things WE have the power to bind are spirits of selfishness, pride, unforgiveness, unwillingness to learn and grow (because it hurts) and giving our personal issues up to God [trusting Him], etc...
Try to remember that.
Also, the Bible says that He will bring back that which was driven away (and all LBSs had a hand - no matter how small - in their WASs becoming WASs).
I'll find that scripture for you...
It's Ezekiel 34:11-16
11 For thus saith the Lord Jehovah: Behold, I myself, even I, will search for my sheep, and will seek them out.
12 As a shepherd seeketh out his flock in the day that he is among his sheep that are scattered abroad, so will I seek out my sheep; and I will deliver them out of all places whither they have been scattered in the cloudy and dark day.
13 And I will bring them out from the peoples, and gather them from the countries, and will bring them into their own land; and I will feed them upon the mountains of Israel, by the watercourses, and in all the inhabited places of the country.
14 I will feed them with good pasture; and upon the mountains of the height of Israel shall their fold be: there shall they lie down in a good fold; and on fat pasture shall they feed upon the mountains of Israel.
15 I myself will be the shepherd of my sheep, and I will cause them to lie down, saith the Lord Jehovah.
16 I will seek that which was lost, and will bring back that which was driven away, and will bind up that which was broken, and will strengthen that which was sick
So are you telling me that now, the raw feelings of emotions, the getting harder for me, is because my Faith in what He is telling me is causing something to go my way? It is strange that you would tell me this, just because of the feelings I have. Thank you for the scriptures. I am binding the things I can, as I have posted previously and I am giving all my Faith into Him to bind the rest. I don't want to metnion this, but I need to , at least to you. the negative feelings are telling me to kick her to the curb, find someone else and move on, completely without her, that what she has done, cannot be forgiven or forgotten. Yet, I lay in bed at night and say this to myself as these thoughts bombard my mind, "God will bring something, someone to me and make this go away. He will bring to me an end to my lonliness". It does help me sleep. I do believe He is speaking to me as I sleep. Been very restful each morning, but the thoughts remain. Yes, it is harder to endure now, like I am being tested even more than before. But as you said, as I ask Him for guidance and revelation, the other will try to drive me to despair.
I want to thank you for understanding. I see signs of things, but I cannot let myself go to those and gain more false hope, so I retract from them. The pain in my mind and heart are strong, like it is happening all over again. When things got harder for you, moving in the way you believed God was moving you, were things going in your favor? I do believe in the phrase "darkest before the dawn". Your post has helped me feel better knowing that maybe, somewhere, somehow, things could be going my way...
"The things WE have the power to bind are spirits of selfishness, pride, unforgiveness, unwillingness to learn and grow (because it hurts) and giving our personal issues up to God [trusting Him], etc..."
These are the thoughts I have been having. It is scary to me that you would have posted this after two nights and days of this anguish. I do trust God and speak to Him more and more lately. But these feelings, as you have posted, are very overwhelming to me. Why are these thoughts all of a sudden returning to me, but with stronger emotion than before? My words do make me feel better and help me sleep. "God will bring me something, someone to make this better. God will bring me something to make me happy." I believe it with all my Heart and Soul.
I didn't mean it in a physical sense. What I meant by Him bringing me something, someone, is that the stronger my belief, Faith and Hope become in Him, the better I will become. In having that, then something, someone will be found by me, with His help.
My words are my Trust in Him. That by believing in the things I have seen and feel lately, true happiness will come to me. My being closer to Him, makes me feel better, somehow stronger. But in that, I have seen these "negative feelings" towards her become stronger as well. I believe what you had told me previously about going to church and getting closer to Him, that the other one will work harder against me. this is happening, but God is on my side, I cannot and will not fail. I do not battle it in my mind, the thoughts are there and my faith in Him makes it bearable and makes me calm.
