I know you are right Trusting. I wish that I would beleive that he is as messed up as i know he is.
It is right to let go....If i were a child you could see me -- i dont wanna i dont wanna i dont wanna.............i want to hold onto my old stinky blanket...i know it smells..i know it isn't "clean" but it is where I feel so very very secure.....and i love it.
(jeez' that was kinda sick and eye opening all at the same time.)
M-20 years/BOMB 12/24/06 Moved out 3/12/07 D final 7/30/2008 finding myself again
this even life with no rollercoaster is actually uncomfortable.
it is strange - the life the mlcr lives on hte outside looks inviting and fun. no responsibility - no strings - go go go. to me it looks inviting..and yes i get jealous of those who get to ride it with him.
then..teh other day i said that very thing to my sister. she said "do it...what is stopping you...." and then i said i CANT do that it isn't me..it would make me puke (talking about spending what i dont have etc.) She said EXACTLY!!! AND if you were on that ride with xh you would have that SAME anxiety.
so - i guess in a wierd way this is a blessing..though not the blessing i wanted.
M-20 years/BOMB 12/24/06 Moved out 3/12/07 D final 7/30/2008 finding myself again
going into another season. another chance to look forward and not behind. i am so very glad the bomb is farther behind me..the pain lingers but it is nothing like it was.
M-20 years/BOMB 12/24/06 Moved out 3/12/07 D final 7/30/2008 finding myself again
People keep telling me taht I still wear the "Unavailable" sign all over me. I dotn see it. It is strange having people tell you that they can tell that you are still connected in your heart to your xh. It gets kinda annoying truthfully.
Move forward move forward. You hear it over and over again through this. AND it puts this stupid expectation on you that you ahve NO idea what you are suppose to be doing. People are all different. Letting go- yes I think that is an important part of all of this.....but people dont knwo what is going on inside you... this is one reason why I am so thankful for my C..
I am just frustrated today. Frustrated with the expectations that people put on me. Frustrated to know taht nothing could ever happen again with xh unless he hits bottom - and knowing that he will avoid that at all cost! Just frustrated.
M-20 years/BOMB 12/24/06 Moved out 3/12/07 D final 7/30/2008 finding myself again
You know Caz, dont let people put such pressure on you. You have to walk this journey in your own time, in your own way. Do it in the way that is best for you.
We all have different roads we will take, in different timeframes. And that is ok.
Frustration is normal. Anger is normal. Highs and lows all normal.
the nice thing about where I am today as oppossed to last year (or now even almost 2 years ago) is the pain is not so ripe. it is a terrible pain- i remember it well and to be honest don't want to ever forget it. that pain -- that true heart aching has changed me so very very much. i am more compassionate then ever before, i have learned to watch out for myself, my feelings, my thoughts and my desires -- and held on to my own values along the way.
i have not walked this journey perfect that is for dang sure. BUT i can say that i can hold my head somewhat high.
Dumb choices and mistakes along the way ???? OF COURSE!! but i can look myself in the mirror adn my kids in teh face and not have ANY shame. And that is something that I dont believe teh mlc'r will ever be able to do.
M-20 years/BOMB 12/24/06 Moved out 3/12/07 D final 7/30/2008 finding myself again
I feel like God has like a protective barrier around me...and I want to grab my friends on this board that are hurting and pull you in with me.
Has my stitch changed? NOPE not one bit! He is "Gone" and I am "Here." I still love and he loves another. YET GOD has me in this shielded wonderful place.. YeS WONDERFUL. Why/how can I say it? Don't know.....just know that for today and for the past week I have been okay....and after teh deep sadness that I have suffered...okay is much better than in hell.
For you who are hurting I am sorry. All I know is that GOD does something through this..through the pain and yes there are days, months etc. that we think he isnt shielding us at all. BUT imagine if He weren't in your life at all....how much deeper the pain, the saddness....
Throughout this journey that has been one constant thought on my mind. AND I have been in the pit. DEEEP where I wanted to die...the crys the pain, the true literal heart ache.....so deep....and even then i would wonder GOD IF you aren't here- if you weren't here would it be eve worse??!!!
So today I tell you grab the "OKAY" moment and hold it close. The crappy ones -- oh jeez'...that is when you CRY OUT and scream and ask for healing in your soul...call your closest true confident and do the puke cry.... and in the okay moment...GO WITH IT!!! MORE than you did before..GRAB it RIDE it hold on to it....
Thats what i am doing. I know things will change, I know life is going to through something at me. As with Trusting I too have intuition and I have been right... God is giving me a resting time.....I am going to use it ....
M-20 years/BOMB 12/24/06 Moved out 3/12/07 D final 7/30/2008 finding myself again
HAve you guys heard the song "She walked away" it is by a Christian girl band called BARLOW girl. IT is about a prodigal.... yes my x and maybe yours too
"She couldn't take one more day Home was more her prison now Independence called out She had to get it
A fight was all she needed To give her reason She slammed the door with no goodbye And knew that it was time
Now she's driving too fast She didn't care to glance behind And through her tears she laughed It's time to kiss the past goodbye
I'm finally on my own Don't try to tell me no There's so much more for me Just watch what I will be
She walked away Couldn't say why she was leaving She walked away She left all she had believed in She walked away
Not a day goes by For the one she's left behind They're always asking why And thoughts of her consume their mind
God please let her know The love we tried to show We'd promise anything If you'd just bring her home
She walked away Couldn't say why she was leaving She walked away She left all she had believed in She walked away
Tell her we love her Tell her she's wanted One more thing God Tell her please come home Please come home
She walked away Couldn't say why she was leaving She walked away She left all she had believed in She walked away
She walked away Couldn't say why she was leaving She walked away She left all she had believed in
The choice is yours alone now Tell me how this story ends"
M-20 years/BOMB 12/24/06 Moved out 3/12/07 D final 7/30/2008 finding myself again
Hey Cinders....Ok is a good place to be. I know Im there right now. I like it. It is much better than the dark places I have been in the past. God always brings us though things like this. Its the others who dont have God that I worry about. I feel like my H is there now. He is in that dark place. I worry for him and I pray for him. Im glad you are doing so good.
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
Hey Cagz, Just want to say hello! Not been on here lately so Im trying to catch up with everyone!
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
