Hey, Tom! Thanks very much. I'm glad that my self-analysis proved helpful in some way.
In terms of your W, she very well may be going through some of the same things. Circumstances are different in many ways, but I can say that when I was younger and had my own EA (before marriage) and PA (directly after getting married) that it was all about testing the waters. I was seeing if I wanted the life I felt I'd opted out of. It was a great burden to be married at 22 to my high school sweetheart. I knew I loved him, that he was a good man, and that I'd be fool to not be with him because the timing sucked. But I also felt cheated out of certain life experiences - dating, sexual experience, etc. I wanted to get some of my youth out of my system, and so I cake-ate. I didn't feel that there was enough passion between my H and I. I wanted butterflies again, and I figured we'd just progressed past that stage.
I was right in some ways and wrong in others.
What I came down to, in the end, is that I refused to throw away a great relationship because the timing was not right. I got my wildness out of my system and decided that I did want to be with my husband. I knew that what we had was what people end up with later in life if they are lucky.
And so I stayed.
Many people in my life will tell me that I stayed because I was afraid of change or of independence. Hell, I think my H believes that.
But it's not true.
In terms of your wife, the main difference is that she is openly abandoning you and your kids. Whether that's a better choice or not is hard to say. I will say that it's absolutely unfair to you and the kids. Finding oneself is always a selfish journey - and even though we can debate whether or not it's a necessary journey, one to be taken alone - the greater truth is that taking responsibility for one's choices is paramount in functioning as an adult and ultimately knowing oneself.
Your W is running out and playing while you shoulder the burden of her responsibilities. You're carrying the marriage and taking the more difficult road. You're a good man and a better person for doing it, but it's not fair of her.
Running away doesn't solve anything. Maybe she feels like she chose the wrong path in life and is testing her new path. I get that. I think my H is doing the same thing.
I'm so sorry that you're going through what you're going through. Your path sitch is much more difficult than mine, and I feel for you.
I guess the truth is that none of us are monsters or bad people - not even our spouses. We're all just people - flawed, lost, confused, and groping at what we think is right.
And it hurts nonetheless.
I am trying to release myself to trusting in God. I dod believe that everything happens for a reason. I do believe that we met for a reason, married for a reason.
The painful part is knowing that this may be the wrong season.
