Thankfully, I've calmed down in a huge way. I'm fasting today in tomorrow, but I have picked up cigarettes again. As much as I wanted to try giving up cigarettes, it was seriously counter-productive to the experience. Thankfully, I haven't taken the anger out in real life except when talking with some friends or posting here.
As for my H being angry, yes he has. He's been angry earlier in the separation when I was trying to make things work. He's been angry that things "can't work", and he's been angry at the idea of me dating other people.
I feel much better today. I've told myself that I am strong and can and will take shoulder anything and make it through. And I will. This board is great in assisting that fight.
Your experience, hope and insight are definitely a major help. I truly appreciate your support, and I thank you for all of your kindness.
Gucci, I honestly think that almost everyone in my life is asking that question. I've even asked it at times.
It's difficult for me to answer because in a way, I don't think I can honestly answer you. I can tell you that I don't think I'm trying to be someone I'm not, but there always is the possibility that I'm in denial.
I can tell you that I would never have expected myself to react to this situation in that way that I have. If you'd told me this was going to happen two months ago, I would have told you that I would have kicked him out, spit in his face, destroyed him financially, and that I would have gone to really insane lengths to find the OW and make her life Hell.
But when it happened, my gut reaction was completely different.
Do I feel like I honestly had a religious experience?
Yes.
Do I feel like I have honestly reprioritized many of my desires and that uncovered things about myself that I've kept hidden - even from myself?
Yes.
Do I feel like I've been putting on a show in some ways for years - that much of my posturing (disliking kids, disliking anything tradional, disliking the deeply religious, mistrusting men's motives) was based in my own insecurities and deep-seated fears originating from my childhood?
Yes.
Could I be putting on a show now because of denial?
Perhaps, but if I am, I'm doing it subconsciously.
When my H came back home for those two days to "try", I was definitely trying to be someone I wasn't. I was cooking and trying to be a "housewife" just to get his attention and "fix" things. My heart was not in it, and that was evident even to me.
I think I am changing and growing up for sure. I didn't want to face or even consider being a "normal married woman" in any way. That meant not contributing my share at home in terms of helping with the really mundane, basic tasks in life. That meant not changing my name legally (I did hyphenate, but only on one or two documents). That meant not supporting my husband's efforts or considering myself as part of a team. We didn't mix finances, and when he accompanied me to my events, he was an accessory to me.
I didn't want to think of myself as married in many ways. I'd bristle at the thought of consulting my H about things I wanted to do. I travelled mostly alone to visit friends. I did my thing and he did his. It's not that we didn't spend time together - we did, and often. But our lifes were fairly compartmentalized, and I can see where I never really shifted my perspective or habits when we got married. We lived like roomates and friends and lovers, but I can't say that I ever really modified any of my behaviors when we got married to become "a married couple". I didn't have any clue how to be married without falling into my parents' dynamic.
My mom is a SAHM, and she grew up in the 1950's with a 1950's mindset as to how a wife behaves. And she has followed suit. My dad is a successful businessman, has a Ph.d., and controls all of the finances, etc.
I'm an only child, and as a kid my parents would literally pull me into their arguments and make me lsiten to their complaints. My mom would sob and feel worthless. My dad would explain all of the reasons my mother needed to "keep quiet", that her family (who i'm very close to) did all of these horrible things, that my mom didn't have a right to complain. He was cold and detached and logical - all to come up a deep sense of bitterness and disappointment in his own life. My father holds a grudge like no other, so i still hear about how my dad's family wasn't invited to my Christening because my mom's family was holding onto a bunch of prejudice.
My defense mechanism has been to basically turn myself into my dad in many ways. When I would see my mother crying, I would shut down. I couldn't face the sadness, so instead I would become angry - at her, at my father.
Even from a very, very young age I knew that I never wanted to find myself in my mother's shoes. I didn't want kids because that meant giving up my dreams. I wanted to be my father - because that meant not being my mother.
And I've acted like my father in many ways. Hell, my H and I used to talk about how I was my dad. That's a huge part of why he's so sure that "I'm just not wired to be a mother".
Add into that the fact that I am spoiled, and you get a pretty clear picture of what my life with my H was like. Growing up, I never had chores. My mom wouldn't let me do things like laundry or dishes because she was very particular and had to have things done her way.
In my marriage, my H did all of those things for me - laundry, ironing, cleaning, cooking, grocery shopping, caring for our animals (I never walked our dog - not once). And when he would do them, I would sees ways in which they were not up to my standards. The clothes were not folded properly. The bathroom wasn't clean enough. I didn't tell him direclty, but I made little remarks. And whenever I did clean or cook or grocery shop, it was a big deal. Those were special events that deserved huge acknowledgement; they were not part of the normal process of living.
Then, add to that the fact that my parents were still majorly involved in my life. I had to go have lunch with them every Sunday, and if I didn't drag my H along, I'd have to deal with their disappointment. So I dragged him along alot. My parents have bought us half the furniture in our house. My mom would still come over once or twice a month to do our laundry and wash the floors. I couldn't even stop her. She just did these things.
I had no clue what it was doing to our marriage.
I was still living like a child in many ways. When I was growing up - and even in college - it was never acceptable for me to work. I had to focus on school, so working was out of the question. My parents paid for college, and they gave me enough money to life very comfortably while living away from home. When i got out of college, got married, and started working, I could never find a balance between working and taking care of the day-to-day tasks of my personal life. I focused on my career, and in my personal time I had to have my leisure time. All the time. Every day. It was unacceptable to go to work and then come home and clean, fix dinner, do laundry. I refused to think of those "other things".
So, the point of that loooong excursion into my life is to make the point that I thought I was much more of an adult than I was. Sure, I can manage a business merger. Sure, I can buy a house and manage money.
But in terms of taking care of myself - forget anyone else - I wasn't really there. I relied on my H to be a mother to me in many ways because I was busy trying to be my father.
I didn't see my H for who he was. I saw him as an amalgamation or all of my fears and hopes. I feared that he would try to control me like my dad controlled my mom. I feared that he would not have respect for me like my dad did not respect my mom. And I hoped that he would always worship me so that I could feel worthy, so that when I beat myself up for not having my doctorate or for working in a business I hated that at least I'd be the center of my H's world. His world would revolve around me the way my parents' world revolved around me, and from there I could be strong.
So that's my story. You said to me before that perhaps we both needed this, and I wholeheartedly believe that we did.
We are both on a journey now. I want to get over the issues that have held me back all my life. I want to have a real marriage with the man I love, one where we are a team.
If I was him, I would have gotten fed up as well. I can't blame him for what he's done, and honestly, he has his own issues as well.
But I do love him. Despite my anger, I know that I want to be with him.
I suppose, in the end, that we both have to grow up. Then we can see if we work together as adults. Accepting that truth and living with it are two different struggles, but you get the gist.
I wish I would have figured all of this out years ago. I knew what was going on, but stupidly I didn't believe things needed to change. Or that they would eventually change as the years wore on. I absolutely understand that we did rush into getting married. Neither of us was in the right place at the time, but we did it anyways - for a million reasons.
I don't feel it was a mistake. It would be easy to feel that. But I can see the problems. The difference between my H and I is that I still want to work them out together.
My H doesn't think that's possible.
Who knows which is right.
So, Gucci, now that I've typed a novel for you, let me give you the short answer:
Wow, Nas...what an excellent introspection. I garnered much insight; it makes me wonder if my W hasn't been through some of the same processes in her mind.
She's in a similar process of "trying to find herself." Unfortunately, at the expense of a supporting H and loving kids.
"Good morning ____ [NOT my pet name]. I was wnating to know what the username and password is for the power co website?"
I started praying for guidance, and about two minutes later he called me.
He's sounding really strange on the phone. I can't tell if he's pissed or not, but I know whenever he uses my normal name and not my nickname that it tends to mean he is upset. He tried to sound like he was just talking to an acquaintance. He's going to put the electric bill in my name today and he mentioned getting together sometime this weekend to get things taken care of. He mentioned calling me in a couple days to talk about what needs to be done. He said goodbye before me, dammit - it literally tagged onto the last sentence he said.
I was polite. I didn't really have the chance to speak much except to say "ok" and "we'll work something out" (in terms of the weekend).
Great. I have no idea how to tkae this. I'm probably reading way to much into it. He likely sees me being detached and is trying to match that detachment. He does that when he thinks I'm pissed.
Hey, Tom! Thanks very much. I'm glad that my self-analysis proved helpful in some way.
In terms of your W, she very well may be going through some of the same things. Circumstances are different in many ways, but I can say that when I was younger and had my own EA (before marriage) and PA (directly after getting married) that it was all about testing the waters. I was seeing if I wanted the life I felt I'd opted out of. It was a great burden to be married at 22 to my high school sweetheart. I knew I loved him, that he was a good man, and that I'd be fool to not be with him because the timing sucked. But I also felt cheated out of certain life experiences - dating, sexual experience, etc. I wanted to get some of my youth out of my system, and so I cake-ate. I didn't feel that there was enough passion between my H and I. I wanted butterflies again, and I figured we'd just progressed past that stage.
I was right in some ways and wrong in others.
What I came down to, in the end, is that I refused to throw away a great relationship because the timing was not right. I got my wildness out of my system and decided that I did want to be with my husband. I knew that what we had was what people end up with later in life if they are lucky.
And so I stayed.
Many people in my life will tell me that I stayed because I was afraid of change or of independence. Hell, I think my H believes that.
But it's not true.
In terms of your wife, the main difference is that she is openly abandoning you and your kids. Whether that's a better choice or not is hard to say. I will say that it's absolutely unfair to you and the kids. Finding oneself is always a selfish journey - and even though we can debate whether or not it's a necessary journey, one to be taken alone - the greater truth is that taking responsibility for one's choices is paramount in functioning as an adult and ultimately knowing oneself.
Your W is running out and playing while you shoulder the burden of her responsibilities. You're carrying the marriage and taking the more difficult road. You're a good man and a better person for doing it, but it's not fair of her.
Running away doesn't solve anything. Maybe she feels like she chose the wrong path in life and is testing her new path. I get that. I think my H is doing the same thing.
I'm so sorry that you're going through what you're going through. Your path sitch is much more difficult than mine, and I feel for you.
I guess the truth is that none of us are monsters or bad people - not even our spouses. We're all just people - flawed, lost, confused, and groping at what we think is right.
And it hurts nonetheless.
I am trying to release myself to trusting in God. I dod believe that everything happens for a reason. I do believe that we met for a reason, married for a reason.
The painful part is knowing that this may be the wrong season.
Nas.. I've heard all the same statements for why she's doing what she's doing. She wants independence; she doesn't feel the passion. She knows that love is a decision; but her decision is to try and love elsewhere.
I understand everything you say in your post; I can even empathize to a degree. I believe we all question our paths at some point in our lives. When I was 29, I started to look at what I was doing in my life. By 30, I had made a major career change, moved back to Savannah from Alabama. Shortly thereafter, I met my W. Even now, I can feel the desire to have my own MLC. I just choose to love my kids and accept responsibility; so I trudge on willingly.
My W feels a need to "prove" that she can make it without the help of anyone. She feels that everyone she's known thinks that she cannot. I've been nothing short of supportive of everything she's ever wanted to do; yet it's not enough. I get that, NOW!! I fought the idea back in April; but after realizing that I couldn't stop her, I let go.
It hurt initially, but I found that I really need to soul-search myself. Now, I would never make a decision that would jeopardize my kids; I am making decisions that help bring back my identity. so it's been good for me in that respect.
I would love for my W to have been as self aware as you are. I use past tense because I don't have a strong desire for her to come back.
Just know that I think you a very strong individual to recognize your traits, the traits that were destructive to your marriage; and the desire you have to make changes where necessary to better yourself and in the end, hopefully your M.
hi tom-marriedCrazy. it sounds like i was in a similar sitch as your W (and my H as you) - running out on the family. Now i'm trying to come back but meanwhile H met someone else so now we're a bit of a triangle at the moment...
i will read your sitch - i'm sure i can learn something from you. And Nasmat i agree with Tom - great introspection that provided some insights to me too - my mom was also SAHM and my dad left her for 2 years when had his MLC - then he came back. She suffered tremendously and i witnessed all that. Only to do practically the same thing my Dad did, at the same age. so probably, like you nasmat, i was 'being Dad' so that i wouldn't suffer like Mom did. And i was denying my own emotions of love because if you're not in love, then you don't get hurt. So i spent all these years with H saying to myself 'he's a great guy, a great compromise, i couldn't find anyone better - but i'm not really in love iwth him.' who was i kidding? Bon courage to all of you.
Me49-WAW H46 T25 S17D14S10 Sep.jan08,PA,back Apr08,H PA Dec08,end09 New Thread
