Gucci, I honestly think that almost everyone in my life is asking that question. I've even asked it at times.
It's difficult for me to answer because in a way, I don't think I can honestly answer you. I can tell you that I don't think I'm trying to be someone I'm not, but there always is the possibility that I'm in denial.
I can tell you that I would never have expected myself to react to this situation in that way that I have. If you'd told me this was going to happen two months ago, I would have told you that I would have kicked him out, spit in his face, destroyed him financially, and that I would have gone to really insane lengths to find the OW and make her life Hell.
But when it happened, my gut reaction was completely different.
Do I feel like I honestly had a religious experience?
Yes.
Do I feel like I have honestly reprioritized many of my desires and that uncovered things about myself that I've kept hidden - even from myself?
Yes.
Do I feel like I've been putting on a show in some ways for years - that much of my posturing (disliking kids, disliking anything tradional, disliking the deeply religious, mistrusting men's motives) was based in my own insecurities and deep-seated fears originating from my childhood?
Yes.
Could I be putting on a show now because of denial?
Perhaps, but if I am, I'm doing it subconsciously.
When my H came back home for those two days to "try", I was definitely trying to be someone I wasn't. I was cooking and trying to be a "housewife" just to get his attention and "fix" things. My heart was not in it, and that was evident even to me.
I think I am changing and growing up for sure. I didn't want to face or even consider being a "normal married woman" in any way. That meant not contributing my share at home in terms of helping with the really mundane, basic tasks in life. That meant not changing my name legally (I did hyphenate, but only on one or two documents). That meant not supporting my husband's efforts or considering myself as part of a team. We didn't mix finances, and when he accompanied me to my events, he was an accessory to me.
I didn't want to think of myself as married in many ways. I'd bristle at the thought of consulting my H about things I wanted to do. I travelled mostly alone to visit friends. I did my thing and he did his. It's not that we didn't spend time together - we did, and often. But our lifes were fairly compartmentalized, and I can see where I never really shifted my perspective or habits when we got married. We lived like roomates and friends and lovers, but I can't say that I ever really modified any of my behaviors when we got married to become "a married couple". I didn't have any clue how to be married without falling into my parents' dynamic.
My mom is a SAHM, and she grew up in the 1950's with a 1950's mindset as to how a wife behaves. And she has followed suit. My dad is a successful businessman, has a Ph.d., and controls all of the finances, etc.
I'm an only child, and as a kid my parents would literally pull me into their arguments and make me lsiten to their complaints. My mom would sob and feel worthless. My dad would explain all of the reasons my mother needed to "keep quiet", that her family (who i'm very close to) did all of these horrible things, that my mom didn't have a right to complain. He was cold and detached and logical - all to come up a deep sense of bitterness and disappointment in his own life. My father holds a grudge like no other, so i still hear about how my dad's family wasn't invited to my Christening because my mom's family was holding onto a bunch of prejudice.
My defense mechanism has been to basically turn myself into my dad in many ways. When I would see my mother crying, I would shut down. I couldn't face the sadness, so instead I would become angry - at her, at my father.
Even from a very, very young age I knew that I never wanted to find myself in my mother's shoes. I didn't want kids because that meant giving up my dreams. I wanted to be my father - because that meant not being my mother.
And I've acted like my father in many ways. Hell, my H and I used to talk about how I was my dad. That's a huge part of why he's so sure that "I'm just not wired to be a mother".
Add into that the fact that I am spoiled, and you get a pretty clear picture of what my life with my H was like. Growing up, I never had chores. My mom wouldn't let me do things like laundry or dishes because she was very particular and had to have things done her way.
In my marriage, my H did all of those things for me - laundry, ironing, cleaning, cooking, grocery shopping, caring for our animals (I never walked our dog - not once). And when he would do them, I would sees ways in which they were not up to my standards. The clothes were not folded properly. The bathroom wasn't clean enough. I didn't tell him direclty, but I made little remarks. And whenever I did clean or cook or grocery shop, it was a big deal. Those were special events that deserved huge acknowledgement; they were not part of the normal process of living.
Then, add to that the fact that my parents were still majorly involved in my life. I had to go have lunch with them every Sunday, and if I didn't drag my H along, I'd have to deal with their disappointment. So I dragged him along alot. My parents have bought us half the furniture in our house. My mom would still come over once or twice a month to do our laundry and wash the floors. I couldn't even stop her. She just did these things.
I had no clue what it was doing to our marriage.
I was still living like a child in many ways. When I was growing up - and even in college - it was never acceptable for me to work. I had to focus on school, so working was out of the question. My parents paid for college, and they gave me enough money to life very comfortably while living away from home. When i got out of college, got married, and started working, I could never find a balance between working and taking care of the day-to-day tasks of my personal life. I focused on my career, and in my personal time I had to have my leisure time. All the time. Every day. It was unacceptable to go to work and then come home and clean, fix dinner, do laundry. I refused to think of those "other things".
So, the point of that loooong excursion into my life is to make the point that I thought I was much more of an adult than I was. Sure, I can manage a business merger. Sure, I can buy a house and manage money.
But in terms of taking care of myself - forget anyone else - I wasn't really there. I relied on my H to be a mother to me in many ways because I was busy trying to be my father.
I didn't see my H for who he was. I saw him as an amalgamation or all of my fears and hopes. I feared that he would try to control me like my dad controlled my mom. I feared that he would not have respect for me like my dad did not respect my mom. And I hoped that he would always worship me so that I could feel worthy, so that when I beat myself up for not having my doctorate or for working in a business I hated that at least I'd be the center of my H's world. His world would revolve around me the way my parents' world revolved around me, and from there I could be strong.
So that's my story. You said to me before that perhaps we both needed this, and I wholeheartedly believe that we did.
We are both on a journey now. I want to get over the issues that have held me back all my life. I want to have a real marriage with the man I love, one where we are a team.
If I was him, I would have gotten fed up as well. I can't blame him for what he's done, and honestly, he has his own issues as well.
But I do love him. Despite my anger, I know that I want to be with him.
I suppose, in the end, that we both have to grow up. Then we can see if we work together as adults. Accepting that truth and living with it are two different struggles, but you get the gist.
I wish I would have figured all of this out years ago. I knew what was going on, but stupidly I didn't believe things needed to change. Or that they would eventually change as the years wore on. I absolutely understand that we did rush into getting married. Neither of us was in the right place at the time, but we did it anyways - for a million reasons.
I don't feel it was a mistake. It would be easy to feel that. But I can see the problems. The difference between my H and I is that I still want to work them out together.
My H doesn't think that's possible.
Who knows which is right.
So, Gucci, now that I've typed a novel for you, let me give you the short answer:
