Stage 2.25

[istherehope]

Hi Ali,

Thanks for checking back in.

In terms of H not cooking, this doesn't mean I cooked every day. We often went out to eat, ordered take out etc. especially when we lived in London, or sometimes we'd eat separately due to different working/study hours, and we'd both just grab snacks. I was no domestic goddess but the reason that I have always cooked so much is because I love cooking, absolutely love it. Plus he'd always been so appreciative about my cooking that I wanted to do it more if that makes sense...I do think you're right about him maybe trying it sometime though.

Yes the sitch is a bit stressful, but I feel like we are on track, on track not there, but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. It is so much better than being apart; this summer was a dark and painful time for me, and I honestly don't know how I coped (well I do know-these boards saved me!). I think my H is trying, but his version of trying at the moment is not my version of trying, and I have recently figured this out. He is trying by working on being more open with me, and by integrating me back into his life. We had such a wall between us that it can't just go away over night...I had done a lot of work on myself over the summer, and I already saw how things could be different, but I don't think he quite believed it. So my work now is being consistent, and putting his needs first (in the short-term) without compromising myself. I will revisit MC sometime in the New Year if he doesn't bring it up first. I think that might be the key to moving past the resentment and hurt, but now I honestly believe that the best thing for us is time, just time and consistency. Today, for example, H called me to talk to me about our boiler (it broke again), and how he wanted to go to the shop after work and buy a portable heater. Yes, a trivial thing, but he called me as soon as I got to work. He also called me last night from the gym to ask me about train schedules. Small things to the outside observer, but this man called me only twice this summer while I was away. He also IMd me as soon as he got to work and told me how upset he was about the boiler breaking, so much he couldn't sleep last night, but that now that he's talked to our landlord, he feels better. Note that I had offered to call the landlord, but he wanted to handle it himself. Again, to the outside observer, this is nothing, and yes losing sleep over a boiler might also sound odd, but we live in a house where things keep breaking, and last night was absolutely freezing. My point with all of that is that little things are improving on a daily basis. H feels comfortable enough to tell me when something non R-related is upsetting him. It also feels more like I am H's partner again, slowly but surely, that I am the person he turns to to ask a little question, or tell a little joke to. It is these small things that give me hope, and make me believe that time is the answer.

I'll keep on with things. I am a lot calmer than I have been in a long time, but my eyes are still open. I really think the New Year could be a turning point...

Thanks for your support Ali :),

ITH