Stage 2.25

[istherehope]

Hi Julia,

Thanks for stopping by my thread. It's great to hear from you :).

I also think that it's classic WAH stuff, with the touch of MLC as you mentioned...I think the event that likely brought this all on was the move to Ireland 2 years ago. I know for some people it's job loss, loss of a loved one etc., but for him I think it was leaving his job to come to a place that he very much dislikes, and feeling that he was doing it all for me, and being overlooked in the process. In retrospect I should have handled it differently. I really did push him into it, and valued the job (it was a dream job) more than his feelings.

Solution-oriented goals would be nice. Triggers now, sadly enough, seem to be me making big efforts like doing the cleaning along with the cooking. He has started commenting on the things that I do. I meant it when I said before that I didn't clean-ever, and this was a massive issue for H. He would ask nicely, then complain, then get angry when I didn't do my part. So it is a 180 for me to take on so much of the work. It is not something I will be able to do indefinitely, but for the moment I look at is as a gesture of good will, that I have heard the things that upset him.

Thanks for saying that I've integrated well. This is how I feel too. I have been home for one month only, and I never expected ILYs and flowers by this point. I am in fact quite pleased with where we are and I can say, hand on heart, that it is like night and day from where we were at the beginning of all of this. I agree that the marriage is in a fragile state still, and this is why I want to build more positives before pushing/setting boundaries. I will not tolerate outwardly rude behavior, and when H says something I think borders on this, I do call him on it. I am not a doormat, I am just trying to be patient. I was never one for being patient, so this is a lesson for me that I think I needed to learn...

I am working on the GAL too. Sometimes it's a chore to go out and do things (winter weather and long travel times), but I do them anyway. I go to parties when I am invited, and I do things on my own or with friends over the weekends, and this is all fine for me. Over the next 3 months we will have lots of together time during these vacations, and hopefully get to know each other again in a more relaxed and neutral environment.

I will check out the book that you've suggested as I haven't read it, but it sounds promising.

I read along in your sitch Julia, every day, but I think you are getting such good advice that I don't usually have anything to add. I hope you are happy with the progress that you're making. It seems like you are doing really well and meeting your goals :).

Thanks again for stopping by!

ITH

[AliSuddenly]

Hey ITH,

I guess me and Daisy dont want to just cheerlead, and its not all about DBign (and you guys are still M, in the same house and not broken up) but for ages now, there are things that you say that just dont sit comfortably. It points to some emotional problems in him, is what we are saying.. but you seem to thikn alot of the blame is still at your door. Sounds like you were perhaps a little bit thoughtless in the M before then.. refusing to help with housework, ignoring his compaints, making him move countries/jobs when he didnt want to! So its great you are learning to negotiate better and put your needs aside sometimes in favour of his.

I am glad you are not a doormat and yes, so he did alot of cleaning... but to NEVER cook dinner in 7 years !?? Not even as a treat? Or when you were tired? Thats a bit rough! Why dont you let him cook, or ask if he wants to, who knows, he might like it! Afterall, he asked you to clean up.. so now you cook AND clean up. That doesnt found too fair!? He'd probs order take out though hey.

I still worry about some of the comments he makes about lone wolf stuff and 'lets see'... I hope he doesnt spring something on you again. I'm not sure what the advice is in this case, its like you are hanging there, with the scent of another bomb in the air, but not working towards recommitment yet (as he said he would try didnt he?) so it must be a little stressful for you.

BUT .. you have made it this far and astrologically, I think that is a good thing!

Love Al xxx

[istherehope]

Hi Ali,

Thanks for checking back in.

In terms of H not cooking, this doesn't mean I cooked every day. We often went out to eat, ordered take out etc. especially when we lived in London, or sometimes we'd eat separately due to different working/study hours, and we'd both just grab snacks. I was no domestic goddess but the reason that I have always cooked so much is because I love cooking, absolutely love it. Plus he'd always been so appreciative about my cooking that I wanted to do it more if that makes sense...I do think you're right about him maybe trying it sometime though.

Yes the sitch is a bit stressful, but I feel like we are on track, on track not there, but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. It is so much better than being apart; this summer was a dark and painful time for me, and I honestly don't know how I coped (well I do know-these boards saved me!). I think my H is trying, but his version of trying at the moment is not my version of trying, and I have recently figured this out. He is trying by working on being more open with me, and by integrating me back into his life. We had such a wall between us that it can't just go away over night...I had done a lot of work on myself over the summer, and I already saw how things could be different, but I don't think he quite believed it. So my work now is being consistent, and putting his needs first (in the short-term) without compromising myself. I will revisit MC sometime in the New Year if he doesn't bring it up first. I think that might be the key to moving past the resentment and hurt, but now I honestly believe that the best thing for us is time, just time and consistency. Today, for example, H called me to talk to me about our boiler (it broke again), and how he wanted to go to the shop after work and buy a portable heater. Yes, a trivial thing, but he called me as soon as I got to work. He also called me last night from the gym to ask me about train schedules. Small things to the outside observer, but this man called me only twice this summer while I was away. He also IMd me as soon as he got to work and told me how upset he was about the boiler breaking, so much he couldn't sleep last night, but that now that he's talked to our landlord, he feels better. Note that I had offered to call the landlord, but he wanted to handle it himself. Again, to the outside observer, this is nothing, and yes losing sleep over a boiler might also sound odd, but we live in a house where things keep breaking, and last night was absolutely freezing. My point with all of that is that little things are improving on a daily basis. H feels comfortable enough to tell me when something non R-related is upsetting him. It also feels more like I am H's partner again, slowly but surely, that I am the person he turns to to ask a little question, or tell a little joke to. It is these small things that give me hope, and make me believe that time is the answer.

I'll keep on with things. I am a lot calmer than I have been in a long time, but my eyes are still open. I really think the New Year could be a turning point...

Thanks for your support Ali :),

ITH

[istherehope]

OK journaling...

Nothing much going on at the moment. I am feeling pretty sick, developed a bad sore throat over the last few days, so will be staying home from work today.

Last night H and I bought some portable heaters for the house. It is freezing here, and we're both pretty frustrated that the boiler is broken for a second time...

H has his final test and class tonight before the winter break, and I know he is going to go out really late. It does bother me a bit, but he only does it once every 3 months or so, so I am going to bite my tongue and wish him a good time out tonight. This is where I used to freak out, call him and text him all the time etc. if he was not home by 12 or so. In fact one of the worst arguments we'd been in, one that even at the time I thought could have set him over edge, was the last time when he did that and a few months before the bomb. I literally screamed at him for being so insensitive, and said these horrible things about how I was last on his priority list and all he cared about in life was getting promoted and his job. So, tonight I will just deal with it. I'll ask him this morning if he's planning to stay out late tonight, then tell him something about how he deserves to blow off some steam, and that I won't wait up for him. This will be a pretty big 180 for me.

Also I just found out H is going on 2 business trips over the next 2 weeks. Old me would have been really unhappy. New me is still a little unhappy, but trying to see the positives. He's going to Poland for 2-3 nights next week, then Portugal for 3 nights over the following week, returning on Xmas Eve. So I don't like the fact that he gets back on Xmas Eve, but we don't have any plans anyway, so I can just use this opportunity to have the house all nice and cozy for when he does get home. In response to his traveling, I've just said that I was sorry he had to do so much traveling as I know how exhausting it can be.

So, I'm really just looking forward to the 4 day weekend here for Xmas, and not doing much of anything. It may be weird though as nothing is open here, and we will be cooped up in the house together. This is nice in cases where there are not these issues, but I want to be sure that H still has his space. I'll just play it by ear I guess. H's time away on the business trips will hopefully, fingers crossed, help him to miss me a bit. Then we have the New Years trip coming up too...I just found out that H and I will get our own apartment because the bigger house that ex's GF's family owns is going to be full of relatives. So they also have a small apartment within walking distance of the town, and we'll get to stay there on our own. So it's still a holiday with the ex, but in a separate house, and maybe takes the edge off of the strangeness, giving us some time together to explore on our own...

I read my posts and about my life and I do feel incredibly blessed, but I also realize that everything we have, the good jobs, the ability to travel etc. seems insignificant in comparison to having a healthy marriage. So that has been a lesson learned for me. I was so caught up in the excitement of travel, of going out to good restaurants etc. that I was just sort of walking through the marriage and dragging H along without paying attention to the signs. This isn't a self-loathing statement, but after all I can't spend my time looking at what H needs to work on but only what I need to work on. This is perhaps why I am overcompensating in the same way that H had overcompensated for feeling controlled and smothered by completely detaching from me. He is slowly returning, but I need to remember that he hasn't had to look at himself in the context of the R in the same way that all of us on the boards have. Maybe that process will take him several months, or maybe I will need to always lead by changing my own behavior and the effects will gradually continue. Maybe there will never be an aha moment, but just tiny realizations over time. I don't know.

Anyway my point with all of that is that I am content now with the way that things are progressing, and I am happy for the chance to be a better person within this R, and hopefully it will be enough to pull us through. I know there will be joint work to be done later, but I have every confidence in H that he will be there to pull his own weight.

ITH

[istherehope]

OK this will probably be the last post on this particular thread. I think it's about time to move on to a new title and a new focus. For the moment though, just journaling...

H came home very late last night, as anticipated. I did my 180 and did not call or text to check on him at all. Interestingly though he texted me twice while out, just to say he was still out. I replied with a brief but nice response, because I really like this behavior, and I want it to continue. As anticipated also, he came in very drunk. This didn't lead to R talks, but there was some ML and more affection than there had been in awhile. He made some reference to marriage too, a good reference, about sex and that it was part of marriage. I can't really explain it, but it was the first time in awhile that he had just referred to our marriage in a casual way, as though it's just a given and not some scary institution that he needs to question. Of course he was drunk, but he still seemed himself and was still coherent so I think his tongue was just loosened a bit.

Today I am still really sick, but I cannot miss another day of work. We also have the company's Xmas party tonight, and I was looking forward to wearing a cocktail dress and getting all dressed up even if it isn't with H. I may have to bail on this though, as I'm in pretty bad form.

Anyway I am feeling good (emotionally not physically:)) today, and fairly calm. Last night was a big test for me, and I think H was probably concerned about it too. Now I know I can "let" H go out without nagging and that he will actually keep me informed of his own accord.

Alright dragging myself off the couch to get ready for work!

ITH