Stage 2.25

[istherehope]

Hi Julia,

Thanks for stopping by my thread. It's great to hear from you :).

I also think that it's classic WAH stuff, with the touch of MLC as you mentioned...I think the event that likely brought this all on was the move to Ireland 2 years ago. I know for some people it's job loss, loss of a loved one etc., but for him I think it was leaving his job to come to a place that he very much dislikes, and feeling that he was doing it all for me, and being overlooked in the process. In retrospect I should have handled it differently. I really did push him into it, and valued the job (it was a dream job) more than his feelings.

Solution-oriented goals would be nice. Triggers now, sadly enough, seem to be me making big efforts like doing the cleaning along with the cooking. He has started commenting on the things that I do. I meant it when I said before that I didn't clean-ever, and this was a massive issue for H. He would ask nicely, then complain, then get angry when I didn't do my part. So it is a 180 for me to take on so much of the work. It is not something I will be able to do indefinitely, but for the moment I look at is as a gesture of good will, that I have heard the things that upset him.

Thanks for saying that I've integrated well. This is how I feel too. I have been home for one month only, and I never expected ILYs and flowers by this point. I am in fact quite pleased with where we are and I can say, hand on heart, that it is like night and day from where we were at the beginning of all of this. I agree that the marriage is in a fragile state still, and this is why I want to build more positives before pushing/setting boundaries. I will not tolerate outwardly rude behavior, and when H says something I think borders on this, I do call him on it. I am not a doormat, I am just trying to be patient. I was never one for being patient, so this is a lesson for me that I think I needed to learn...

I am working on the GAL too. Sometimes it's a chore to go out and do things (winter weather and long travel times), but I do them anyway. I go to parties when I am invited, and I do things on my own or with friends over the weekends, and this is all fine for me. Over the next 3 months we will have lots of together time during these vacations, and hopefully get to know each other again in a more relaxed and neutral environment.

I will check out the book that you've suggested as I haven't read it, but it sounds promising.

I read along in your sitch Julia, every day, but I think you are getting such good advice that I don't usually have anything to add. I hope you are happy with the progress that you're making. It seems like you are doing really well and meeting your goals :).

Thanks again for stopping by!

ITH