I promise that I'm a really loving sweet friendly happy person, not cold hearted that I might appear!! I'm definitely not as lovey dovey as I used to be with H - because I think that smothered him.... but I'm pretty warm and encouraging I think. And even though I've been tempted to tell him what I really think, so far everything has just been light and happy, so he doesnt know how upsetting his behaviour is. One good thing about not having any R talks thus far is that there are no regrets about things I've said!
Yes possibly he might be scared that he would fail again. But dont you think that is his issue to face alone? Something I cant fix for him. I promise I think I'm being safe for him to come back to.
Really if he didnt want to be married to me, and he just wants to have a 'friend with benefits' then his predicted behaviour would be exactly the same as he is currently exhibiting.
And I think he wants me more when he knows that he cant have me - so being nice and too warm isnt going to work either.
You know what no-one in RL remembered that it is our wedding anniversary today. Thought mum and dad might - I spoke to them both, but didnt feel like reminding them and crying about it!
Clearly feel much better than our anniversary last year, so hopefully next year will be a non-event too!
Sorry to hear that, perhaps they didnt want to mention it for fear of upsetting you (I hate it when people do that!). Did your H not remember or contact you either? Its a full moon Friday.. maybe you should phone him! Heck, why not,
Al x
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
God if only my family were subtle enough to worry about not upsetting me!!! That makes me laugh!
Yes am tempted to phone H, but I think I'm too emotional today and would probably cry. Better to wait and phone him on a day that doesnt have a special meaning! Its highly possible that he forgot too! Actually I bet the only person apart from me that remembered is his mother.
Why I cant meet someone new so that I could forget about H.?
Hey Essie.. thats EXACTLY how I feel! I want out of this sad place!
I meant.. call him in a few days, Friday, before the usual weekend wakeboarding debacle? Maybe you should take a risk, I dont know.. be brave, let your defences down (I know you have them)
I called H yesterday to ask if he had managed to get a light bulb for a special light (he offered to get it for me).
We made tentative plans for him to come and see me around lunch time today. About 9am the next door neighbors little boy came and knocked on my door to say that their house was flooding and could I come and help. H is friends with these next door neighbours. Anyway I went and tried to help the next door neighbour wife turn off the water mains but couldnt do it. Next door neighbours wife was panicking and stressing. Anyway I called H and he offered to come straight away and help - which he did (he is nice and handy to have around sometimes!). Bad thing was I was sweaty dressed in crappy clothes and covered in mud! (why does this always happen!!)
To distract H from the mess I suggested we have a swim - which was nice and we ended up having sex in the pool (was fun, but several times I thought this is a bit strange that I'm with H and we are having sex in the pool in the middle of the day!!) - Bizarre!
I teased him a bit about being in his man cave. I think it was funny, but maybe I went a bit far?!? Anyway at least he knows that I know that he needs space after he sees me?!?
Its so nice when I see him and we have so much fun together, but I instantly get clingy and dont want him to go. I'm good at acting, but I hate that it still shows through. He initiated all physical contact, and he told me that he really cares about me. Which I think is a positive - being truthful and not saying that he loves me, just cause he thinks thats what I want to hear..... I'm not very confident of walking the line between making it safe for him to be with me and encouraging him vs. coming on too strong and putting too much pressure on him.
He also asked if he could take the CD's of our travel photos (we traveled around the world for 18 months) cause he wanted something to look at at home. I'm not sure what that means. I gave him his travel diary a couple of months ago and I think it made him feel a bit sentimental and helped him remember all the good times etc. And he also took the last box of his stuff. Nothing more of his here, except zillions of photo albums that we don't know how to split up (we both love photography - well actually I love taking photos, he loves buying cameras).
We also have weird conversations about guys liking me, and I told him I'm going to Cirque Solei tonight and he said "can I ask who with?", and then asked me what I thought of his best mate and if he was good looking. (Its like I want to scream - 'You dummy, I love you!').
I joked about the man cave a bit more (too much I think in hindsight, but at the time it seemed OK). And as part of that I told him that he's a dork sometimes (he looked slightly hurt / surprised by that). At another point I told him that I still have a mug that he hand painted (you know those shops where you can go and paint a plate or a mug) that I was saving so that if I was having a bad day I could smash it (true!). And he said that he hoped that he was being nice enough now that I wouldn't have to smash it.
I said that I might not see him before Xmas etc, but he said that he would. SOOOO confusing!! Well its not really, it comes down to I like him and like being with him and want to see him more often, in some sort of pattern that I can anticipate and feel more secure. He's not sure what he wants, he like being with me, but not if its too risky, so he doesnt call me. And if there is too much intimacy then he has to pull away.
And I think he is getting the message loud and clear that I want something more, and so he will pull away again now (damn - I don't know how to play it cool but not reject him).
On the positive side I didnt make one comment about our anniversary. Surely that counts as being a little bit cool, and not too clingy?!
Sorry I missed your anniversary, but I'm so glad that you were feeling stronger about it this year than last. That's good news at least.
Originally Posted By: Essie
Why I cant meet someone new so that I could forget about H.?
Take it from me- meeting someone new won't stop you thinking about H. It's a nightmare! LOL!
Originally Posted By: Essie
Anyway I called H and he offered to come straight away and help - which he did (he is nice and handy to have around sometimes!).
That's great that H came over straight away. Is he an Acts of Service person? I wonder if there's some way of working that into your DBing a bit more? I know it was pretty successful in the past when you asked for his help......
Originally Posted By: Essie
Bad thing was I was sweaty dressed in crappy clothes and covered in mud!
I bet you looked super-hot anyway!
Originally Posted By: Essie
To distract H from the mess I suggested we have a swim - which was nice and we ended up having sex in the pool (was fun, but several times I thought this is a bit strange that I'm with H and we are having sex in the pool in the middle of the day!!) - Bizarre!
So jealous! That sounds great- do you think it helped that he felt manly and was responding to you as the damsel in distress? or am I making it more romantic than it was?
Originally Posted By: Essie
Its so nice when I see him and we have so much fun together, but I instantly get clingy and dont want him to go.
I was just wondering, have you ever told H that you'd like him to stay? What happened? I always get the sense with your H that he's a bit hesitant to push things forward and take the initiative, and I wonder if he's scared that you don't want him.....I do think it's fantastic that he initiated the physical contact, but wonder if you could do some of that back aswell? If PT is another of his love languages, it might help? Not doubt you've already tried that, though- DB Queen! I agree that it's a difficult line to walk between being encouraging and not coming on too strong, but I do think you're doing a good job. I struggle with this myself, so am probably not the best person to advise.... (sorry!)
Originally Posted By: Essie
He also asked if he could take the CD's of our travel photos (we traveled around the world for 18 months) cause he wanted something to look at at home. I'm not sure what that means.
I think that's pretty interesting- will you give them to him? I think it'd be good for him to be looking at the pics and thinking of you when he's not with you. He obviously is remembering your good times together. I think that's a great sign!
Originally Posted By: Essie
We also have weird conversations about guys liking me, and I told him I'm going to Cirque Solei tonight and he said "can I ask who with?", and then asked me what I thought of his best mate and if he was good looking. (Its like I want to scream - 'You dummy, I love you!').
Hmmm...... what was the answer to the first question? And did you consider sayng to him that you don't know about his mate because you only have eyes for him? Or something to that effect? You could try saying it in a jokey way, which would encourage the puppy in a laughing friendly way without coming on too strong. I wonder if he's testing you in some way?
I also wonder if it's worth not mentioning the cave thing any more? or referring to him as a dork. I know it was said in a jokey way, but men have fragile egos, don't they, so he might not be able to handle that kind of thing very well. I know my H is very sensitive to any silly jokey-ness. He can only handle teasing about being a stud!
Originally Posted By: Essie
Well its not really, it comes down to I like him and like being with him and want to see him more often, in some sort of pattern that I can anticipate and feel more secure. He's not sure what he wants, he like being with me, but not if its too risky, so he doesnt call me. And if there is too much intimacy then he has to pull away.
Have you considered having a conversation with him about wanting to see him more often at all? I know it's not in the B*tch book, but I do think that piecing after an S is a different situation to a new dating scenario, and requires more gentle handling. H needs to step up a bit if he wants to win you back, but he might not know exactly how to do that..... (?)
I think you're sounding great, Essie. Very strong and very thoughtful. I LOVE that!
I'm feeling sick to my stomach... Somehow I've reduced our R to friends with benefits. Exactly what I didn't want to happen. I'm thinking I should have made him chase harder before sleeping with him????
I sent H a text this morning saying "Cirque was so cool. Wish you could have come!" but no reply.....
I definitely gave H the CD's of our trip - I wonder what he thinks, when he see us looking happy in the photos.
Lisa - I feel so good when I'm with him - it feels so natural. But when he's gone I think I'm creating such a mess by sleeping with him.
I'm going round and round in circles. I think I'm being too easy and I want to pull back again and make him chase me more... but then he doesn't so I initiate contact and we have a nice time but then I'm disappointed that he doesn't pursue me more - but he has no need because he's got a wife that he can see when he wants to and the rest of the time he can be single and do whatever he wants.
AAAAHHHHHH! I've got that knot in my stomach. We've made love 3 times - all of them great, but not one of them has made his step forward. I feel like I've screwed the 4 stages up. 1 Reduce tension (completed), 2 Friendship (semi), 3 Romance (zero), 4 Reconciliation - (he doesn't need to do this).
I don't think I'm enough of a challenge for him to keep him interested.
I think I'm creating enough openings for him to know that I want to see him more often. I promise. But we haven't had a conversation about it, because so far I've stuck to the 'no R talks' rule. I cant very well say I want to see you more often, and then turn him down to make him chase me!
The conversation I'm thinking of having with H goes like this:
"H I love you, have always loved you, and a small part of me will probably always love you. But I want to be in a relationship with someone who wants to share my life. I think that we want different things at this stage in our lives, and I understand that you are busy and are enjoying being single, and I support you in that decision. But it's not what I'm looking for. And seeing each other every few weeks isn't helping me. So I'd prefer it if you don't contact me. I cant imagine being divorced from you, I cant imagine it being the end of us. But I'm happy to sign the divorce papers if that's what you want. If you decide you want to have another go at having a real relationship with me where we share the good and bad times then call me. I want you to be happy, but I also need to look after myself, and I think its time for me to move on"
I agree that it's a difficult line to walk between being encouraging and not coming on too strong, but I do think you're doing a good job. I struggle with this myself, so am probably not the best person to advise.... (sorry!)