H texted me at 3pm to ask whether we were still meeting tonight and suggested a venue. Before it would have driven me up the wall not to hear from him earlier. I replied sounds good, see you there at 5.30. A 180 here for me not to try and arrange meeting by the tube station etc etc. He replied saying that he had to go to the theatre that night (that happens every time we meet??!) but we should still have time to talk. I didn't bother replying, there was nothing for me to say to that. 180 again!
I was a respectable 8 mins late and when I got out the tube there was a text from h asking if we were meeting in the venue. Normally I would have called him, and I nearly did to ask where he was and what we were doing, but instead I just walked into the pub. I spied where h was before I went in but walked in confidently and looked around as if I didn't know where he was. I saw h trying to get my attention so eventually turned round and acted with surprise at seeing him there. H stood up as I went over (unlike him and very gentlemanly) and asked if I'd like a drink (I think he forgot himself there ;-) and said he hoped I wouldn't mind that he got a table. I smiled and sat down and made a comment about the cold etc. He said he hadn't been well lately and had been run down with a cold for weeks. I said I was sorry to hear that but I didn't try and mother like I would have done before.
The waiter came over and I said I wasn't ready yet. I asked h what he was having and he said that he was no longer drinking anymore. I just said 'oh really?' and he said yes, to see if that would help his tummy and said it had made a big difference. I smiled and said that was good news. Just a comment here, h used to hardly drink at all when he was with me. Maybe he has been drinking a lot more this past year. OW wrote on SIL's fb wall about being 'out on the lash' and how she was boring because she didn't get drunk. This is quite a clash in lifestyles.
We made some light chat about his parent’s puppy and the cat and he asked me how work was. I was very enthusiastic and told him about lots of the good things I was doing. H was very impressed and engaged well. I asked him how his was going and he looked quite miserable and said how much he hated it and how he was taking a 2 week holiday at Christmas and turning his phone off - this is UNHEARD of for him!! At this point his mobile went off, I couldn't see who it was but he cut whoever it was off.
I then said, so the finances... and he jumped in with yes, he'd heard some guy at work talk about a mortgage holiday and he thought that sounded like a good idea (he was over-explaining himself and babbling and was basically talking bollocks!) I just sat and listened and he said 'but you aren't very keen on that' and I replied no. I explained that while I could see that it was a good idea if we were together and paying the mortgage off in 25 years time, as that wasn't the case and we would be selling the interest would cut into the equity and combining that with the drop in house prices we would be losing money. H said he understood and that he hadn't thought of that. I said that just because our marriage was in the state it was in didn't mean that our finances had to suffer. I paused and said, we're both adults and this is just business we should be able to make this work. He looked relieved and settled back in his chair. I said that I had thought of several alternatives and I went through the various options (thank you Ali!).
I asked him what his needs were, whether he needed the cash from the house or whether he could afford to wait a while and see if the market picked up. He said he didn't need the cash. I also said that I wasn't sure I wanted to stay in the house and had several options available to me. I said that the house was big and awkward for me in terms of work and really it was meant for a couple or a family but that wasn't my life now so, although I love the house, I was ready for somewhere new. He looked a little sad and kind of nodded. He was really interested in some of the options I mentioned but I kept it cagey although did engage him a little in the discussion.
We talked about custody of the cat and he said that he thought I should have her. I said that I would like her but if it proved impossible would he be willing to have her for a while and he said yes.
I asked him if he'd brought the letter for me to sign about the car. He said no. I asked if he was selling our car and he said yes, then looked worried and said 'you don't mind do you?' I said no and asked him what he was thinking of getting (I know he has already bought it). He answered 'a Mercedes'. Then, sorry guys I couldn't help but balk a little and nearly burst out into 'well that's why your bloody broke, and your pushing me for money LIVE WITHIN YOUR MEANS!!!' but I kind of just did a little choke and he said that the little 'a classes' were good value. I smiled and moved the topic on, or else I would have got really angry.
He asked what whether I would consider a mortgage break for a short while over Christmas, and I said I would consider a break for 1 month possibly two (it would actually help me out too!!) but we would need to get things sorted in January.
We discussed the possibility of renting it out and I brought up the work that still needed to be done. He said that he wouldn't be able to come up before Christmas. I said fine, but it needs to be done before the house goes on the market to get the maximum price. He said he would take the morning off on Thursday and get agents round and we agreed that he would ask them about selling, renting and renting with a view to selling. We even agreed which agents he would ask. I had commented that the boiler needed looking at and he said he would call someone round to fix it on Thursday and would sort it out. I thanked him and said that would be really helpful.
I asked him about whether he had been round to the house with regards to the light and he said no and looked really worried about me. I asked what the time was and said that I had to go soon as I was going out; he said he was going to the theatre. I just smiled. Then he said, 'oh that reminds me' I bought these for you ages ago. It was Hershey’s, from when he went to America when he dropped the second bomb. He knows I love Hershey’s. I thanked him warmly and said I would look forward to eating it. This is the first present he has bought me for I don't know how long!
It sounds all very businesslike but I was warm and friendly and smiley. I looked good and was confident. He looked exhausted. His eyes looked like they had been punched they were so dark. He had quite bad dandruff - dry skin is a Chron's symptom and to be honest did not look terribly well. He had also lost weight which could be good or bad as he had put on so much. However severe weight loss is a clear sign that it may be coming back. If so I shudder to think how horrible it will be for him. I realise I can do nothing, and will just try and keep an eye from a safe distance. I will always be there for him if he ever needs me. I don't care what he does. Whether he ever asks me is a different matter.
Before I left we recapped and I said that we had been a little reticent and wary of each other in the past. He nodded. I said email communication had been a little slow because of this perhaps and he half smiled and said perhaps we could speed it up a bit. I said yes, there doesn't seem to be a need for us to be wary any longer and he agreed. Then we walked out (I had made the first move to go, h paid the bill and I let him) and walked to the tube station and said goodbye.
I have not emotions really, I think it was a very productive meeting and I think we achieved the goal of hopefully being more comfortable around each other.
All in all I am pleased with it, we worked together to come up with solutions, neither of us felt undermined and we have made progress. It sounds like it was all me talking but he did lots too and voluteered personal information and such-like and talked lots of trivia which was really good. I did lots of listening and validating and was light and friendly.
So maybe a good step in the communication stakes and making him feel more comfortable. I couldn't have done it without you guys (and of course Jody - which you might spot in there...)
Well, All I can say ((Julia))) is well done!!!! Sounds like you held yourself together beautifully!! You were strong, confident, helpful and friendly.
Your description of your H sounds much like mine. Forever worried that I'm angry at him and totally afraid of me. Maybe they wouldn't feel so horrible, if we would have done the same ..... found OM & riddled ourselves with guilt & bad decisions. So then, we would be on the same playing field - so to speak.
Hope you have a good day or night!
Me39, XH45 Kids 3 dogs, 2 cats Divorced 6/4/09 Tricky thing is not how you live, but how you live with yourself. (POTC)
Well done you! Love the interaction. Love that you looked so great and he looked awful. Love that you were emotionally in control of yourself (that choking part was fantastic - and then you just moved on so that you didnt get upset!! I love your work!!)
Sounds like you had good ideas financially too - that must have impressed him, and made it clear that you are being financially independent and not just going to go along with what he suggested.
I bet you have got him wondering. To all purposes it looks like you are coping a million times better than he is!
I am so proud of you!!!!!! You did such a good job!!!!!! I love the part about you pretending you didn't know where he was in the place you met him. LOL!!!
I am sad to hear that he looks like he might be ill again?? that is terrible. And the mercedes... it sounds more MLC-ish than I realized.
Hey.. well done!!! You certainly handled this first meeting, after finding out about OW, better than I did!!! Well, having said that, after my first meeting, it was my ex that got emotional first, not me, but then he was drunk!
I'm sorry he sounds quite low.. I agree sounds like his crohns has either already come back (hence the decision to stop drinking) or showing signs of coming back. Interesting one that his gf is still drinking alot and teasing SIL for being 'boring'.
Sounds like you behaved just how you wanted to behave, you did a really good job of sticking to your plan and acting as if and being fun and confident. Seems like he was a bit 'hang dog'. I like that he offered to speed up the email communication. Also, well done on discussing the finance options and its a relief he didnt fight you over it at all. So how did you leave it?
Well done! How you feeling about seeing him today?
Al x
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Thank you for your kind words. I'm feeling good about it this morning, although my first reaction is to reach out and drop him an email saying that I am munching the chocolate and it is really tasty and sending him a link to a song I think he would like, however that is trying to engage him and that is not where I am about at the moment. I would like some more interactions RIGHT NOW but I have to be patient and build it up slowly.
I also forgot to mention that I complimented his bag and he was really pleased and chuffed that I did and that was when he produced the gift for me. I was thinking that perhaps I assume the worst about the Chron's, perhaps he is looking tired etc because of the stress at work (he left me for that job!!! so he could concentrate on that and his 'new friends') and maybe he has been drinking more than I realised and now he has stopped he is losing weight.
Thinking that the Chron's has come back makes me just want to wrap him up and protect him and I can't do that. I still would like him to come home so we could be together again. Sigh, I feel positive about the meeting although I am wondering whether he would like me to be more concerned with his health than I am showing. Perhaps next time I could be more encouraging of the steps *he* has decided to take to improve things with his health and not me suggesting things or mothering him like before.
We left it that he would see estate agents on Thursday morning. I think I will wait for him to contact me regarding that. I have a present that I bought him ages ago that I could leave out on the side for him... or should I not 'give' him anything at the moment. I keep wanting to reach out but I am suppressing it. I suppose he needs to know I am safe and this is the only way I have found that he will approach me and we can communicate without him running away.
I have my 'fix it' hat on and am trying to suppress it!
I am so proud of you! You stuck to your DBing with him and came out all the stronger for it. I'm so happy for you I could dance a jig!
The little "victories" are so important. You listened, you told him how you felt about the mortgage holiday without preaching to him about the need to be fiscally responsible, you didn't lash out at him about the irresponsibility of buying a car well outside his price range, and you complimented him on his bag when it would have been easier to mother him over his appearance of being ill. GOOD JOB!!!!
IMO, definitely wait until he contacts you about having met with the estate agents. No need to interact with him now. You already thanked him for the gift so no need to tell him how much you are enjoying the gift.
Question - Are you not able to buy Hershey's in the UK? I thought they were EVERYWHERE!
Regarding the present you have for him, hold it until Christmas. Can you give it to him then? That way you get to reciprocate without it appearing to be reciprocal if you know what I mean.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
I do the exact same thing of wanting to reach out and mother H! I know how hard it is to suppress that natural instinct and trust that he is old enough to look after himself. You are doing so well!
Do you need a GAL activity to distract your attention back to yourself? I suggest shopping!! Ha ha! Wish we could hang out and you could take me shopping in London!
