I was unfaithful #4

[mamanpc]

oh Mof3, i sympathize so much with your feelings of rage/churned up/emotional anguish when you think of OW! i avhe those feelings too. I've done a lot of reading on jealousy and negative emotions in relationships, and i've found them ehlpful to help me get over them and experience less (and hopefully one day much much less! btu not here yet).
For example: http://www.pathwaytohappiness.com/relationship_jealousy.html

I've understood that my feelings of rage and despair are directly related to my own low self-esteem and thus my huge fear that H will leave me because he's found someone much better than me. I've also imagined in my head all the terrible things that he might be doing with OW - in a safe place where i can cry and scream and write down my feelings. The fact is that he is totally smitten by OW right now so they're in 7th heaven while i'm in hell. BUT i don't HAVE to be in hell! because i know one thing - i just need to learn how to do it better - i can't choose what happens, but i CAN choose how I REACT to what happens. The reason i'm in hell is because i have DECIDED to be there. I don't need to be there if i don't want to: my children love me, my parents love me, my sister loves me, there are all rooting for me and thinking of me as wel as my friends. In addition i'm one of those female over-achievers who has in fact done incredibly well professionally too, with an exceptional life history and personality to go with it.

There's no real reason for me to have such a low opinion of myself but there you go - my low opinion comes from the 'story' that i've made up based on what happened to me when i was veyr little: my dad left to fight in Vietnam and Korea for 2 years when i was very small (3 or 4 years old) so my 'story' based on that event is that the men i love will leave me (since at that age it was as if he had left forever).

Sorry for the long post again... it does help to talk here. I also have difficulty remaining ok on the phone too at times. bon courage M, like we say over here (I live in France).