Stage 2.25

[istherehope]

Hi Daisy,

You didn't offend, and it's great to hear from you.

I do think that I have been giving the wrong impression though about H and the marriage as I talk only about what I am doing now, and what he is doing now and nothing that led to this. For 7 years, no exaggeration, he bent over backwards for me, did everything I wanted, complimented me multiple times a day, moved country for me etc. I am not blaming myself for everything by any means, but I really didn't give him a lot back. We fought all the time, I never acted like I cared how he felt etc. So I can understand how his resentment and frustration built up. I don't appreciate or like how he handled it, but I do know why he's wary. He had made up his mind he wanted a D, and it's only been 30 days since he has softened, 2 weeks since he said that he was going to try. He had also been very depressed, to the point of being suicidal. I don't see this level of depression anymore, but I think it's important to keep in mind that it's only been a few months since he had no emotion in his voice at all and said nothing in life gave him joy. I guess because of all of those reasons, I am willing to be patient and I know that this will take time.

So in terms of making my needs known, I do agree that things can't stay like they are indefinitely. I have been back for just over 30 days now, so even though it seems like ages, it is still early days. I agree Daisy that I should try to find ways to push the envelope a bit. What I have been doing if he phrases something in a way that I don't like is to say, in a joking voice but still with a serious intent, "a better way to say that to me would have been x." This actually seems to work. I did mention the lack of ML yesterday morning, but not in a serious way, and he said "I don't want to be nagged." So, it has been 2 weeks now since ML, maybe less not exactly sure. At the moment I think H is very stressed with school. Even with booking our tickets from LA to Mexico he wants to wait until his tests are over this week, as he says he can't think straight. He had said about MC that he wanted to wait until after the New Year. So, this seems to be a common theme, after school is out and there has been time to relax...I can live with this timeframe, and if he does not raise the topic after New Years, I will do so myself. In fact we have a trip planned for December 31st, and I think the trip will really illuminate things for us. I may reconsider IC after the New Year myself, but just at the moment I am exhausted with work and everything else, and it's not something I'm ready to take on. I understand the point on this though, so I am not ruling it out, just want to wait a bit.

After H's tests are done this week, I may try to ask for something small, and see how this works out. In many ways I don't think there's anything for this situation except time and patience. I do see small improvements on a regular basis, and while I certainly want more, I would rather H go at his own pace and that a final reconciliation come from his heart and a place with minimal, ideally no, doubts. I really am in this for the long haul, and I think it is going to take time to rebuild trust and intimacy. If I push, I think he will run away still at this point, so when I do start expressing my own needs more, I would like us to have a solid couple of months worth of positive experiences. I do think we're on track for that. So after the New Year...

Please don't think that I'm offended. I know things always look different from the outside so I appreciate hearing others' perspectives, and I also know that the way things are now is not the way that they should be. I look at the M as a work in progress, and I am really OK with this.

ITH